Ok so this is hardly a post worth posting,
Thing is i'm all too aware of the fact I haven't posted in...weeks.
And with my life as crazy as it is, I felt the need to say I'm okay.
Seeing as the situations in my life are something that could easily drive me crazy and make me want to do something stupid...I want to tell you I haven't done anything stupid.
Infact, i've been through alot - including seeing Emma almost die - she stopped breathing 5 times in one, very long night.
She also told me she was IN love with me, and thinking she was going to die that night, I pretended I loved her too.
Yes, we kissed.
No we didn't do anymore then that.
Yes she survived that night,
And I had to explain to her I wasn't lesbian...
I am in fact, very VERY straight...
And then she too realised it was the emotions getting to her, and as we are so damn close, her brain turned it into something more, simply from desperation.
That was a tough night...
Things didn't become awkward though,
The week after I barely went to college, except to see her,
I still went out at night, still came home and didn't sleep...
Had the worst insomnia i've ever had.
Had the most emotional week of thinking I was leaving Emma forever when going on holiday...
HAVING THE BEST HOLIDAY OF MY LIFE.
Where I was completely distracted, was so exhausted I SLEPT.
AND, was so distracted AND exhausted, I didn't think about my problems,
I was problem free, and the one night I did think about things,
I was mainly thinking about food...
Though I made it out to be all about the Emma issue, and my mate A helped cheer me right up :)
I was in Florida.
We went to Universal studios,
I went on THE HULK rollar coaster - my first ever rollarcoaster, and it's HUGE. I was so proud of myself :)
Went to Discovery Cove and SWAM WITH DOLPHINS :D
Went to Sea World and watched Shamu...who was amazing, but I feel sorry for the animals all cooped up :(
Went to Magic Kingdom, met Donald Duck, Goofy and Chip&Dale (didn't see any other characters, and if we did, the queue to see them was like 45mins long!)
Went to Blizzard Beach and gained an awful tan line xD
Spent several days shopping, bought some AMAZING items, including a GUESS handbag, purse, rings and leather jacket (size XS = US size 0!!), and Abercrombie&Fitch cropped Hoodie (Size XS = US size 0!!), French Connection Dress (size 4...UK size 6 ... SO close to fitting in the 0/2, which is a UK 4, a UK 4 is an American 0, therefore the 0 dress size, would be a UK 2, and an American 00, I think.. so OMG i'm so close to an American 0/00 !! YESS), jewellery etc. and, whilst shopping, I got a guys number ;) hehe...
All the while, I was constantly exercising... walking all day, from 9am to 6pm, coming home, going in the swimming pool for a few hours, showering, writing my diary, constantly ALWAYS doing things...was awesome!
However, week before holiday had some serious late night binges from stress :( then first four days of holiday I ate alot...
I ate ...like an American (my god some of them are HUGE...however they aren't all like the stereotype! Some do look after themselves! And I may have seen a few Anorexics...)
Then, after some comments 'you eat like a machine!' and 'i've never seen you eat so much' along with the voices in my head SCREAMING at me... I changed, like literally, and a little too obviously, snapped.
Apple or peach for breakie, apple for lunch, salad and maybe vegetables for dinner... add that to the walking I was doing, all the water I was drinking, and the weight went down...properly (was weightloss not waterloss etc)
There were meals out, but I controlled some of them (after I stopped bingeing) and kept to salads, vegetables, and no pudding/starter...
The whole holiday was either water, or diet coke.
And I had gum and tictacs just in case ;)
By the end of the week I found scales in a supermarket, which my mates dad and another mate had decided to use from curiosity...and to my luck I found them using it... having not had scales all week, I was desperate to use them... 104lbs with clothes, so 103lbs!!!
Woooowwweeeeeeee, I was so happy!!
Before the holiday I'd binged up to 108/109lbs, then binged during the holiday then stopped for 4/5 days, and well, whatever I'd gained, I'd lost! I imagine I went up to 109/110lbs :s...so had lost 7 REAL lbs. WOW.
Then stress hit.
I was coming home, to problems, to realising Emma really didn't have much time (however...she had LASTED all the way through my holiday!!!!!!)
And worrying I'd get insomnia again because of Jetlag etc...
So I freaked.
I came home, 108lbs.
I saw Emma :D lol, went out etc. had several lazy days (btw this was last Thursday that I came home...)
Then got CONTROL.
Thanks to being able to go on PT again, and thanks to my friends supporting me (the ones who know...on PT lol)
And because I was so damn unhappy with what I was becoming :(
I am now 105lbs, and on day 2 of fasting.
And I can't believe I'm doing ok again :)
I'm off to Holland 5 days, will fast as long as I can, hopefully until then :)
I have a supply of tictacs (one or two boxes a day allowance - had two yesterday), and gum to get me through :)
Have also invested in skinny cow hot chocolate for those cravings (37cals per one), two large bottles of diet coke, and of course, I can have water, but no fruit juice.
I stayed at Emma's last night,
She's gotten so good at hiding everything, I barely knew she was still ill...it's wierd, but does make it easier to deal with,
She goes to Spain Friday, and I'm seeing her tonight, tomorrow night, and all day (woop!) Thursday...could be the last time I see her then, as Holland is a long holiday (two weeks) so you never know :/
Anyway, I refuse to think about it.
The only reason any insomnia is evident, is because of the voices. Not because of the Emma situation.
It's as though anorexia is getting worse with me.
My hair is falling out more, I am sure...
I have told one person who I know in real life (not over internet), he once had bulimia for a short time 4 years ago, but luckily snapped out of it before it really got a hold of him and became a proper illness...
I'm not sure why I told him, I just always knew he would understand, however we hadn't spoken in a long time, and well, we did the other day...
After preparing what to say, and making him promise not to try to help even though he would want to, as I didn't want him to... I told him.
And he said ok, he would always be there when I need him, will be waiting if I do want help, and would not try to make me do anything I didn't want.
I found someone who understands...
It makes me so fucking happy, it's unbelieveable...
I don't know why, but I want to tell him everything I do to lose weight, to almost show off my achievements? I don't know, i'm holding back, but he is useful as he has insomnia, so when the voices are too much I can text him and he makes me feel ok. Even though he can't understand, it's like he does...confusing? lol sorry :P
Must be off now, *huge sigh of relief as i've finally updated*
Btw, E, the guy I liked, is single again... but i'm going off him, he is a bit of a player I think, and I just have a tendency to be attracted to bad boys, though they aren't good for me :P
Been watching Romantic comedies recently, they're good for me, make me see good men are out there, and I should find one :P hehe
Stay strong :)