OMG :D

THE WEIGHT IS FINALLY DROPPING OFF!!!

I'm 102lbs!
That's 7stone4lbs!

BMI: 18.125
According to NHS; 10th centile of Healthy Weight

Working out BMI;
Height in metres (im 5ft3 = 160cm = 1.6m) squared (1.6x1.6=2.56)
Weight in kilograms (i'm 102lbs = 46.4kg) divided by height squared;

46.4/2.56=18.125

:)

YES!!
I knew it would happen eventually (about bloody time tbh xD)
Plateau is GONE :D
I knew I felt skinnier!

Omg, I'm so happy :D
I'm gonna take some webbycam pictures...just so to see what I look like etc.
Also I can compare my weight now, to when I lose even more, as I love before/after shots :D

Omg, i'm 4lbs off my 98lbs goal weight!
I canny believe i've lost 3lbs :D

Thank you London for the walking, thank you determination for not bingeing, and thank you motivation for making sure I stay on track and ate only an apple yesterday!

Here are some pictures, only of the front and collarbones though...I don't have confidence to turn side ways and show you that (fat stomach), and the thigh gap has only recently come into shape :P doesn't always show though :S I don't know how that works, but oh well, it'll get bigger :D ;
































And, even though this is gonna sound stupid, I was looking in the mirror last night, and well, I realised, I'd probably have a body that most guys would be happy with, all ready.
I said to myself, 'you know if you maintained, you would look pretty good',
And you know what?

I still can't stop...
There is no stopping, and no going back, my stomach is huge and that is enough motivation for me to carry on :P
Because, no guy wants a huge stomach...
And I want my thigh gap better!

Hehe :)

Stay strong,
If I can do it, so can YOU!
xox

Sunday 6th June EDIT

I had that bit of Quorn or whatever I said I would have later on, lol, just thought I'd put down the calories :)

An apple (100)

3 strawberries (6)

Quorn Filet (45)

Quorn Goujon (57)

Quorn Bacon Pieces (50)

Which is 258cals

Plus the rest;

OVERALL TOTAL: 666

Well...what a number :/ haha

Number of the beast ;)

Stupid brother and his metal head, always telling me that xD

Just warns me never to go that high again :)

Although I think it helped my metabolism - I ate it all really slowly,

Felt skinny still in the morning :)

And Monday only consumed an apple (100)

So I'm varying calories which is gooooooooooooood :D

Update over :)

Stay Strong

xox

Today, was AWESOME :D

London Graduate Fashion Week.

Lovelovelove!

The collections are all from university students, and some of them were LUSH.

I cannot wait until it is me there, with my clothes, on those models, striding down those catwalks.

Oh, those models. So skinny, so tall, so GORGEOUS.

Some of them were bloated though, and I felt so sorry for them :(

Stupid I know, but still, I know the feeling :/

And one looked really faint, I wanted to hug her!

The male models too,

WERE SEXY :P

Anyway, I want thighs like those girls dammit!

The thigh gaps *sigh*, so lovely.

I got a t-shirt dress (one you wear with leggings) that says 'London Graduate Fashion Week' on the back, and on the front has a drawing of a flamingo, but it's feathers are drawn to look like pencil sharpenings, it looks quite cool : ) and is sleeveless so perfect for summer :)

Plan has started today;

I had no breakfast, resisted lunch, chocolate, apples and tic tacs mum gave me and my brother.

Then came home, and had an apple, before going out again!

I went to see E! Well, him and his mate (we'll call him Li) picked me up, then we picked up Emma, (drove past her road, turned round, drove past it again, turned round and eventually got it right xD yeah i'm awesome at directions :P)...

Just cruiseeeeddd for a while, before going to E's, there wasn't much to do though, so we went and got chips, (resisted again!) and then drove a bit, before back to E's. Ended up awkwardly chatting a bit, before then going and watching south park, then setting off home.

Was actually really good to go out, and catch up with E, he is rather nice :)

Gosh, I ended up talking to Emma about how I really can't stand how chubby JB is...

I'm not trying to be shallow or harsh,

But with Ana, I love bones, bones, bones, or muscle ;)... I can't. Stand. Fat.

And my disliking is getting worse :/

Also I told him about my depression last night, and he just said 'sorry i'm tired i'm gonna sleep etc.'

What the hell?

When he finally texted today, I asked if he had reread it;

JB - 'Yeah kinda, you ok now?'

Me - 'Yeah but did you understand it?

JB - 'Kinda, why does it matter?'

Me - 'Why doesn't it matter? Not many people know about it and its important you understand :/'

JB - 'Oh right, ok im sorry'

Wow.

Well, that was great, he really cares.

Pah. Didn't text back xD

SO can't be arsed.

What if I start liking E? I'll screw up JB's life a second time :/

(yeah we had a thing once last November but I saw it as fun, he saw it as more etc. and well, that ended badly)

Urgh.

I'm such a mess when it comes to guys.

OH.

And my ex is with the girl he left me for.

Yeah, ok well facebook says they're 'married'

So that pretty much means relationship.

It's not really sunk in, but whatever.

I'm talking to E on facebook so it's all good :P he says i've changed since he last saw me in primary school haha (well it has been 6 years xD), apparently i'm alot cuter :P

:):):)

Anyways, must dash :)

Stay strong

xox

OH and I didn't manage to fit in the hour cardio in my plan :/, but did PLENTY of walking and shall just do two hours tomorrow instead :)

Lazy day - got a problem?

Ok, so i'm having a lazy day...

Gotta be done sometimes ;)

I feel I should be up, and about, burning calories, but i'm giving myself a break :) ...try it sometime, if you can :)

I remembered another 'compliment' from Friday. When I went to my mates in the morning, his Dad hasn't seen me in a while, and he said I was looking skinnier, and asked if I had lost weight, of course I said no, but really wanted to smile after that.

It's so nice when people notice your hard work,

I'm worried though, i'm seeing MJ on Friday, and she always notices those things...and ALWAYS panics. I get the 'are you eating?' questions etc.

Oh and the really annoying anorexic remarks, she really overuses that word sometimes.

I hate it.

If only she knew :(

Anyway, didn't go to hospital with Emma today, she wasn't feel well and decided the travelling etc. wouldn't do her good (as it's an hour or so away), and therefore she stayed home and rested instead :)

We're going there on Wednesday instead,

Today i've had;

Two quorn qoujons (114) 2 quorn filets (94)

2 apples (one cinnamoned) ...(200)

Maybe another apple later, maybe some quorn too.

I don't know.

I feel skinnier :)

Scales still aren't budging, my plan starting tomorrow should kick start the weightloss further...so that the scale moves too.

I am going to a fashion thing tomorrow...

I've no clue what to wear, I must look good...and skinny!

I don't know :/

Anyways, i'll be off now,

Stay strong

xox

Something extra...

Talking to W on facebook chat,

*pop*

Oh and now E, ;)

... oops.

Anyway, W said that he looked at the photos from S's party, and said (and I quote);

'You look so fuckable it's insane'

(W is not one for subtlty, he did mention that he hoped I didn't take it the wrong way lol)

And continued; 'I mean, since when has your figure been so perfect?'

Perfect? Ha. Nice compliment though, thanks for the motivation, atleast someone is noticing ;)

I said I didn't know, I had that corset for an art project in December, and had to tighten it to the tightest setting for the party (hell yeah!), I said, (casually of course), either i've lost weight (only 21 fucking lbs!!), or the sit ups are helping ha.

He said; 'You are looking so good right now'

YAY :D

OH, and I tried on the size 0's, can squeeze my legs AND ARSE into them. Just gotta lose enough weight so that I can do them up, and comfortably too :D

I'm SO getting there,

Scales are wierd though, always saying 105lbs, yet I do feel skinnier :D

Anyway,

Stay Strong

xox

Yesterday and Today ;)

Firstly, Beautiful Bloggers Award?

I...

Can't find a word to describe how happy that makes me :)

I know it's nothing much,

But to me, it means the world, it reminds me people do read my crap xD

And reassures me they enjoy doing so ;)

Therefore I would like to thank you;

RaiinbowAna,

For giving me that award :)

Yesterday:

Well, after my last post, where I had freaked from the meringue etc.

I had one of the most wierdest nights of my life.

I don't know what was wrong with me.

The sugar gave me a high -

After all, i'd lived off quorn and fruit/veg for days, and processed sugar went straight to my head,

And decided I didn't want to stop being so awake,

I took 4 paracetamol.

They have 65mg caffeine per one, I don't even know how much that is, probably nothing though. But still, the caffeine aided the sugar rush.

I was shaking.

Even when cold, or nervous, my hands are as steady as a rock.

Not that night, oh no...shake, shake, shake.

I could've shaken marracca's for a festival and never tired of it!

I mimed my favourite songs, while dancing as quietly as possible, and admiring my collarbones in the mirror,

I realised I was wasting time,

And did art work...

I got so many sketches done (will have to put some pictures up sometime)

All to do with love, and heartbreak (was for research for art)

And, considering the circumstances (late at night, shaking, on a wierd high) they came out pretty damn good...

My day had been wierd, after JB on Wednesday had reminded me of my ex; by smoking rollies.

And I hadn't texted him all day.

I just - couldn't?

I texted E.

Someone who went to my primary school and have only recently started talking to.

And it was wierd.

Things got rather, flirty.

Idk.

I wasn't sure it was right, I felt like I was cheating on JB, by flirting?

Normally i'll flirt anyway ;)

I'm awful like that... don't judge me, it's not anything obvious, or forward.

It's the cute looks with the eye, the body language, and talk etc. The normal stuff we girls do naturally...

He fell asleep though.

I didn't text for 20 mins. and he fell asleep.

Then I gave up on art, I was running out of things to do...

I listened to my ipod, watched a video to a song; MVP - Bounce, shake, move, stop! which I had put on it, but not yet seen. Was ok I guess.

I carried on listening to music. Got kinda bored really, lay down for a while, eyes wide open.

Was around 4am I started thinking more.

'Hate that I love you' came onto my ipod.

And well, along came the ex thoughts...

I can't take them sometimes.

And that night was one of those times,

I didn't think of anythin but him.

I cried,

So hard.

Silently in the dark.

Before, after months of not doing it,

I scratched

(my method of harming)

Like a chicken scratch, but 10x worse.

The scab is so ugly,

I couldn't stop,

It didn't hurt,

But felt good. Fucking. Good.

At the time.

After, I clicked, shouted at myself in my head, why the fuck had I done that?, I metaphorically gave myself a slap round the face, went downstairs (was 5am) washed it, put cream on it, and plastered it up.

I'm not proud of it.

Everyone knows where I do it, and it's obvious, (on the thumb join bit on the hand)

I've never bothered hiding it, and I don't mention it.

Except to people really close to me.

And I only mention it, to apologise for doing it.

I hate it.

I don't like that it is a release,

And I'm ashamed.

And I'm sorry.

After that, I read Vogue.

I love that magazine, I really do.

Then I did my make up, all pretty and wonderful.

Made me feel good.

Bloating had gone down from the meringue too.

7am, I closed my eyes and listened to my music. Was like a I had half drifted to sleep.

Alarm 8:00am,

Alarm 8:30am

Alarm 9:00am

ALLARMM OFF.

Got up, at 9am.

It was Friday, and I had not properly slept.

When downstairs,

Breakfast;

(RaiinbowAna you'll love this)

2 Quorn sausages ;)

And a cinnamoned apple,

Had a shower, walked to town, took at £100, walked home, gathered together £250, walked up the road to my mates, gave his Dad the money...

(in July i'm off to Florida with 5 mates, and one mates parents, his Dad is arranging it all, and that was the last of it paid off)...

Walked home, walked to the other end of town to the park, about 1.5mile walk (power walked),

Met up with mates there, and sat the whole time, knackered, tired, exhausted. Watching my kinda unattractive guy-friends play football. Would've been better if they were hot, much nicer to look at ;)

Walked a friend home for 4:30pm, walked to Boots to meet Emma, (1 mile), walked to costa (took two mins ha), had a lovely chat with Emma, then we walked to mine (20mins)...

I got changed, and we walked to my mates house (S, whose party was last week)...

Had planned a film evening, with us 3, J, O and C, the guys from the party last week who carried me to the car...

They turned up at S's drunk. Urgh.

S got out some vodka, peach snapps and orange juice.

I tried to drink it, and almost vomitted.

It's going to be a while until I can stomach alcohol again that's for sure.

Anyway, highlight of the evening? Wooden spoon fight, and walking home.

That evening was kinda crappy, not worth talking about, it annoys me how those 3 are unable to turn up to anything sober. Played truth or dare, dared O to peck S on the lips. He did. He was wierd drunk, angry and mad. Not caring at all, always swearing. Was really drunk, bad drunk. Upset S, she likes him alot, and he was all over Emma, which freaked her out, he tried to kiss her 3 times, looked like a goldfish with his mouth wide open, she screamed first time he tried. Ha.

But yeah, nothing else interesting. J walked me home, had a nice chat.

He is so skinny, barely eats; he 'eats to live, doesn't eat to live'

Like one of the people on Supersize Vs Superskinny, food just comes second to everything, but he doesn't actually have an eating disorder.

I'd love that. Skinny because you don't think about food.

Not stuggling to lose weight because I can't stop thinking about it.

Urgh.

Anyway.

Today:

Well. What can I say.

I love my Dad.

He spoke to me about Emma, he told me how he feels, and how he wants to do something for her.

How he's going to pay for Emma and I to go on holiday, anywhere.

I cried from happiness.

She came over at 5ish, till 11ish (taken home at midnight),

And I told her, after asking her holiday destinations (so she came up with them without thinking about money)

If it's all feesable, and insurance etc. is ok,

(and i've mentioned this all to Dad)

Then, next month,

We are going to Jamaica.

My head hasn't quite got around that fact yet.

But it's, well...

BLOODY AMAZING!

Is around, £1,200

For us both, not each.

I can't believe it.

My Dad, is truly, Amazing.

And I want to cry from thinking about it :')

I'm tired now, but quick food update;

Friday - 2 Quorn sausages, cinnamoned apple, then 2 more apples (one at S's - after avoiding chocolate and cake, also avoided crisps at the park)

Calories - (118+300=418)

Today - Apple, 2 quorn goujons, 2 quorn gilets, 2 more apples (300+114+94=508)

Really not doing bad, can't wait for next weeks plan though,

I feel hungry.

But i'm going to bed, its 1:30am.

Might text E.

I texted JB eventually on Friday, said Thursday had been wierd.

Idk.

JB is being short with me now. Texted him today, didn't last long.

He was out Friday night, and tonight/last night.

So he was busy getting fucked.

He's lovely, but if much more alcohol passes his lips, he is gonna get even bigger.

And fuck that.

I hate fat.

He is borderline acceptable, and I adore his personality most of the time.

And please don't take that the wrong way - I hate fat.

Not fat people.

They can be so lovely, and I admire their self confidence.

But I can't get..ya know, physical with someone too big, it grosses me out :/

....urgh, and E has a six pack.

Not helping.

Anyway, if you bothered to read this, and get this far, then thankyou,

And good night,

Stay strong

xox

I'm SO disgusting.

Well I couldn't have just 3 meringue thingys, because that's an odd number.

Oh no.

After a 30minute walk,

I had to have 4 with strawberries

But,

I sneaked one in before...

Then had, four more...and a meringue nest.

Am I some kind of meringue monster??

EW.

And then,

Yes THEN

I had a cinnamoned apple. WITH WHIPPED CREAM.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I just...

WANT SUGAR.

Ew.

Atleast it's night - I can't binge.

Any more...

Mum would be like WTF?

As she only went shopping today.. ha.

I could empty those cupboards right now.

Yet am I hungry?

NO.

EWness.

Well, I want to stay STRONG for you all.

AND FOR ME.

SO

No more food tonight, I PROMISE.

There, I don't break promises :)

Not approaching scales tomorrow...

Though I know this won't actually of had much effect, I still feel shit.

Keeping busy, out, exercising loads tomorrow.

That should help.

Might not eat either.

Dunno.

Depends how strong I really am.

Hm.

Starting Monday - one meal a day, quorn + salad = around 150cals.

And that's dinner.

So, 1 hour minimum cardio during day.

A different one each day (get best results)

And as i'm working on empty stomach - burn 58% more fat.

Should work I hope :)

Fingers crossed...

Stay strong

xox