Average day...

Slept through college... and no not at college, but at home, in bed.

Awoke at 1pm.

I'd gone to sleep at 3am, after watching 'The Ugly Truth' which, I must suggest you to watch - it's pretty awesome tbh, the sex references are hilarious xD...

It had been a long night,

But no, wasn't 'it' for Emma, thank goodness...

However she went to the hospital today...straight after college, she had really wanted to see me beforehand but I was too busy catching Z's, and neither my Mum or my phone could wake me, fucking great.

I babysat, 3-5.

Meant had to pick up the kid - which meant 20mins power walking, and 30mins walking at a normal pace...

Mm, had several diet cokes by this point, and some gum.

Was boring, though watched 'Gilmore Girls' which I love,

And have been told I look identical to the girl who plays Rory, the actresses real name is Alexis Bledel, look her up :) she is pretty actually, and really skinny ... wish I was skinny :(

Came home, and didn't do much... went and bought diet coke & Vogue at 7.30, while returning the 2 hired DVD's... was boring, but an extra 30minutes of walking :)

Then went to see Emma, mum drove me there (she lives in another, nearby town), and we went for a walk (30mins), before stopping at a tree, sitting down and chatting/thinking about everything.

Hospital says she has days to go.

I sat in silence, and we hugged.

It's all I can do.

Be silent.

I'll talk about it, yeah.

Sometimes.

In my attempt to stay strong while she is around,

To show people I can be strong and talk...

But inside, i'm numb.

Thoughts are numb,

Frozen in time,

I don't think.

I don't cry.

I don't react.

I am bobbing along through life, letting myself be either nothing, or happy. That is all.

With Emma, happiness is common.

Overwhelming sadness can pop out of nowhere.

But no longer shocks me, and I can eradicate it quickly before I cry.

I don't like to cry infront of her, shows weakness.

Weakness she doesn't need to see as it makes her feel weaker.

I'm like her back bone right now,

She needs to see my strength in order to have her own strength.

Anyway,

Stomach rumbled, had a convo about how I ate so much yesterday that I couldn't eat today, then her saying I should...then her saying nah don't worry I won't force you.

Thank goodness.

I had to then go pee from too much diet coke xD

We walked back at 10.50pm, my Mum said it was getting late and she was tired, and had to pick me up, which she did, at like 11.20pm

Getting back meant another 30mins walking,

I've done atleast 2 hours of walking today, and will do 300 situps/crunches before bed :)

I can't not do those now, must be strict, Florida a week tomorrow!

Emma is bad now,

At home, coughing up blood, alone.

She has days,

We are getting matching tattoos tomorrow.

I feel like it will give us some kind of connection when she is...no longer around..

See, even while typing that I can't cry.

I'm going now,

This unemotional train wreck is going.

How boring am I?

Boring and fat, gained 2lbs from that binge, a real 2lbs too. Not like binge weight. But fat weight.

I've only had diet coke today.

Keep this up and I'll lose more then those 2lbs in a few days.

My plan btw is;

Fast 2 days.

On day 3, have dinner - Lettuce and Cucumber OR an Apple.

Under 200cals of protein is allowed with it, IF 2 hours of exercise has been done on that day.

Then repeat - 2 days fast, 3rd day with dinner.

I will have 3 meals between now and Florida.

Lush.

Lol :)

Hope to lose :) :)

Stay strong

xox