You know what? Fuck It.

Costa Indulgent Frescato's?

560calories on average each.

What the fuck.

Mango&passionfruit Frescato? 219calories.

I think the winner is obvious.

Emma and I did our little joke, Costa three times, one day.

2 indulgent Frescato's, one mango&passionfruit.

That's 1400calories worth of 'drinks'

What.The.Fuck.

That's why I say;

FUCK IT.

I'm fasting.

I'm telling myself (because i've no one to command me around)

That i'm fasting until next Wednesday.

When Emma and I are having a professional photoshoot (which my Mum paid for) done. It's in place of Jamaica, beause her condition worsened and that isn't feesable :/

I can't wait.

And I CANNOT look fat.

Those images are forever,

And are the most important photos of our lives.

I can't fail, and WON'T fail.

Fuck the old plan that lost me like a few lbs a week.

How the fuck will that help?

I'm so busy this week, I can get away with no fucking food.

The weekend,

May be an issue - away with Emma for a weekend. But fuck, if I can get away with it, I'm not eating.

What is allowed?

For Emma's sake; Mango&passionfruit Frescato's.

Fruit Shoots

Fruit Slurps (sainsburies brand)

Soup BROTH (not actual fucking soup)

WATER

Water + Squash (only 3 calories!)

Fizzy fruity water (5cals!)

Homemade fruit juices & smoothies (me and Emma plan to make some this weekend-so weekend only allowance on these)

DIET COKE

DIET energy drinks

Fuck it, any DIET drink.

Chewing gum (sugar free) is allowed.

And if one must eat? APPLE.

That is all.

OH,

And for fucks sake. NO HOT CHOCOLATE.

It's too damn fucking hot anyway.

Starving for perfection because I'm a FAT BITCH.

That's it, done. Wham bam thank you mam.

Starting 29/06/2010 - 7/07/2010

Only a fat arse couldn't cope with an 8 day fast.

Except wait...I am a fat arse.

Fuck it. I'll prove all fat arses wrong and show you CAN fast for 8 days. Dammit i've done 7 before.

Motivation is appreciated, because fuck it, everyone likes to read something to help inspire them. If you have something helpful to say, say it. Please.

I love you all, and have more followers now (yaya)

Who will most likely think i'm a bad mouthed fatty :/

And I apologize for the language :s

Bad days make me angry :( and finding out after drinking the Frescato's, just how calorific they are... sketched me out and made me insane :(

I hate this.

Stupid life :(

Fasting baby!

Stay strong :)

xox

Friggin' Awesome Weekend, Even Though Plans Changed!

Was going to go away with Emma for the weekend - but it's been changed to next weekend, as she had to go in to the hospital on Saturday morning :/

Friday - after that post, was when I found out we couldn't go, I think... and I ended up spending a really, really long time (3 or more hours - plus the 1 and a bit i'd already done) continuing to sort out and tidy my room, was coming along a treat, I must say :)

Anyway, Saturday, I woke up around 11.30am, which was actually quite lush. I haven't slept so long in a fair while (thanks insomnia, much appreciated) and I'd fallen asleep about 2.30am, so had around 9hours sleep. However, I woke up knackered. Like, seriously fucking exhausted. What is with that? You sleep longer then normal, and wake up more tired??

Human bodies make no sense :(

Anyway, Emma was at hospital, so I spent the day in my pajamas, after about an hour on computer, around 12.30ish I decided to crack on with my room - I had no energy, or will power to, but convinced myself it would develop if I started - I was right, and after;

1apple (100)

6strawberries(12)

I started, and spent three hours solid working on it.

And now, it has so much space. Its lushious - nokidding. I have a tonne of floor space, two huge boxes could be removed! :D

It makes me happy to be able to enter a tidy room...which mum hoovered while I was away this weekend :)

I was going to get round to doing it, and she beat me to it xD
I hate mess though.

But with so much art, and a hectic life. It had gotten a state. Now it's tidy i'm like, oh gosh I can't leave that on the floor, I must put that away, and I must sort out that before bed. Now i'm on top of it, I don't want to leave it to get messy and mean I have to spend another 8 hours of my weekend sorting it out!

Anyway, 7ish I had dinner;

Apple(100)

6strawberries(12)

2quornsausages(118)

half chicken style filet (23.5)

half normal amount of bacon style pieces (25)

Total:(278.5)

And the room tidying burns around 200cals an hour when intense (which it was, I built up a sweat!)

So yeah, all that was defo burnt off :D

Went to Emma's for about 8ish, we went to the park on the swings to see her brother and his mate, then had a diet coke at the pub, after contemplating milkshake, yet going for diet coke (yay less cals :D), then went for a walk, got sketched out cos we heard beeping, then rustling in the bushes :/...and quickly walking/jogging back to the pub, another diet coke was had... we played badminton and mucked around on the kids play equipment in the pub garden, went back to hers and chattted for agesss...

Played COD with her brother, then watched films - Step Brothers and ...I can't remember the other one haha.

They were really good though haha.

God I really wanna remember the other film now...ummmmmm...

*long pause to think*

.......................................

Nope....I'll tell you if I remember, but I just can't - my memory of the morning hours is always a blur.

We chatted some more while watching music channels, and decided to nap at 7am, waking up at 12.30, so that's 5 1/2 hours sleep...

We had an apple(100), then I went home at 1.30pm.

I had a nice shower, and got dressed etc, and at 4.30pm went out again, origionally I was going to go to Emma's work and keep her company, but she was sent home as they didn't need her.

So instead Emma, Nat, and I went to the beach :D, took a while to get there haha, but had music :D so I kept dancing in the back - you can burn an extra 800cals a day just fidgeting :O...

Then we got there, Emma and I paddled in the sea :P then us three chatted, had these small lemon cake things, like really small (80) they were nice, only had one each :)

But as I have said before, with Emma, I try to ignore cals and food etc. like, I don't want that to get in the way of us enjoying the little time we have left...

At hers on Saturday I had 2 packets crisps and 2 hobnobs (2*83)+(2*67)=300cals extra. But you know, I just didn't think about it...too much. It was on my mind, but I tried to shove it to the back.

But I make certain decisions to help make sure I don't gain or whatever, such as we had an ice lolly...Emma had a fab, Nat had a Magnum, I had a calippo, (100) but just frozen juice, so healthiest option possible.

We had chips, Nat was giving most to the seagulls, Emma wasn't too hungry and threw hers after eating some and throwing some (she really shows Ed signs sometimes :/ but it's cos of her illness tbh :/) ... and so I ate real slow, then when we got out the car, dropped loads, then threw most of them :) had about (200) altogether. I only counted the cake and chips as extra, (280) which really isn't bad,

Today totalled;

Apple(100)

quornsausage(59)and 3 strawberries before leaving(6)

Extras(280)

Really good day cal wise tbh :) -(445)

Under 500 :)

Went on a spinny ride :), and on the dance machine :D

Then back to beach for abit, before heading home, getting lost, breaking down, getting Nat's parents and uncle to come, sort out the car, and drive us home :P

Been on laptop of since, done a few push ups. Am wide awake, will turn internet of at 1am, in 20mins, then going to do some art work :)

Tomorrow, me and Emma are fulfilling a joke we have, of having a Costa Frescato for breakie, lunch and (early) dinner xD

And I don't care about cals. (I keep telling myself)

We're having the strawberry shortcake for breakie...indulgent one, not had it before ...

Double chocolate flake for lunch (has whipped cream),

Mango&Passionfruit for dinner (healthiest one lol)

They are all cold, none have milk in, all just some flavoured syrup and ice whizzed up?

So technically, a drink for each meal - lush xD

May have, an apple in the morning, and evening for fibre too.

That's it though. And i'll only count the apples (200)...

Will be walking alot too - to costa, to college, to costa, to college, to costa, to home xD

So all good. And will do an hour of exercise when home :D

And may go out too :)

Busy day, busy week ahead actually :)

So pretty awesome.

I love Emma :D

Haha :)

Urgh this Period bloating sure is getting to me now though :( ...i'm like 105lbs I think? Hate scales right now :(

Must crack down this week. Next week on Wednesday me and Emma are having a professional photoshoot of us :) should be an awesome memory. And we are away this weekend, will keep real active which is awesome. And are going to make loads of fruit smoothies we decided, and maybe bake cupcakes... tbh though with her condition she doesn't eat much, so avoiding food is easy, maybe smoothies and apples for the weekend? lol...

Anyways,

Stay strong!

xox

Woah! Hello Period? Where'd you come from?

Haha. Ok too much information I know...

But it's a month late?
Why now?

I want it gone, mann. Gone, gone, gone!

I don't want kids, I don't need to bleed a few days every months. No, no.

Why would anyone trust someone who can bleed for 4 or 5 days straight and not die?

Ha. Yeah I read that somewhere and it made me chuckle.

Anyways, I was so pissed off. It must be why i've been craving hot chocolate, surely.

Now I know why, I can change my waysss :D

Anyway, today was alrightt (technically yesterday as it's 1.30am on Saturday and i'm referring to Friday but hey-ho)

College was over and done with by 11ish - technically, half 11, but me and Emma left early to go to Costa :P

I had been to see my art tutor about my project, and he said it's very impactful, and my best work yet :)...it's on suicide and depression. Ha. I think I can make it really good...because I've got almost full on first hand experience - except the suicide things were only ever thoughts, obviously.

I'm too squeamish to try :/ and i'm glad, i've so much to live for it's stupid.

When you have a best mate, with no choice over living or dying, it makes you really think. I have the option to live, why take that away when Emma would kill to have the decision not to die?

I live for her now.

No one else.

I told her, when i'm a famous fashion designer (that's the dream anyway), I will dedicate a collection to her, and donate all the money to a heart charity of her choice, one that researches what is killing her.

It made her cry when I said that :/

Bless her little cotton socks.

We went to Costa, I let her choose what we had, when it comes to Emma, the last few weeks are so important, she comes before anything, including calories and weight loss. So we had the chocolate Frescato, with whipped cream.

And yes, it was delicious, and totally worth it.

Anyway, was nice to chat as usual before she got her bus and went to work. I walked home, and had to tidy my room, removing anything in my brothers room, back to mine, as he returned from uni today. I started shifting things to make room, only to realise, my Mum had already moved everything except a dress, and a tutu, back into my room.

However, I decided, since my room had been re-decorated a while a go, it's about time I knuckled down and actually unpacked things. So I spent 2 hours, in this sweltering hot weather, shifting boxes, throwing out things, sorting out clothes, putting a railing in my new cupboard, hanging up dresses etcetc. I was sweating from tidying - awesome way to get the heart rate up :)

At 3pm I had to walk and collect my neighbour from school. Yet again, I was sweating :/ this weather is so humid, it's ridiculous! I love heat, but without humidity! I babysat till 5pm instead of 6, and still got £10 :)

Emma texted, our weekend away is postponed to next weekend,

I tidied some more as I had free time.

Was asked if I wanted anything from the chippy, er...no.

Then had to sit, while they ate infront of me.

Omg my mum smacks her lips and crunches, and ewewew. I wanted to leave...but wasn't allowed :(...my brother wanted me to eat chips, but I avoided it :)

I'd eaten some soup in the morning, and then sorta cheated with icecream while babysitting :/ so no way was I eating chips!

I had two hot chocs this evening too! Damn fucking perioddd :( Grrr!!

Really not lost anything :(

Anyway, I am changing back to my old plan.

The one that worked.

With an hour exercise in the morning, then an apple/strawberries,

Then an hour exercise in the evening, then an apple/strawberries, and Quorn for protein.

And only cranberry Juice to drink,

I actually lost weight when I was doing this, it was slow but steady, and I actually was flunking on the exercise side of things, so if i'm more motivated, strict and persistent, i'm sure I can lose a fair bit :))

Because fasting on hot chocolate won't get me anywhere :P

Anyways, this insomnia is a bitch, but i'm not going to spend ages typing away about nonsense. I'm glad I have more followers though :))

And I am also glad to have a plan.

OHH and i'm real pleased I managed to update this today :) as the last few posts have all ended up days apart, and it's ridiculous at times!

Catching up on 7 days in one post, just isn't the same as a post dedicated to each day!

Anyway, I feel bloated and annoyed now, but now that I think about it...I did feel shit on a cruise at the beginning of the week, and said to myself 'dear god this feels like period pains', yet convinced myself it wasn't true....

Well, I was wrong :P haha.

Can't wait to lose it for good. Bring on 90lbs, or less! (84lbs = lush!)

Only a few weeks till Florida, need to be SKINNY!!

Stay strong :)

And don't be scared to break a current plan if it isn't working for you!

I know that sticking to the 25day fast just won't work for me right now.

And am not afraid to go to something I trust.

You aren't failing, you are just working with your body to achieve the best results!

Believe in yourself :)

xox

All or nothing?

Why is it all or nothing?

I either post continuously. Or not at all for days.

I mean, it's been 5 long days since I last posted. And now you are going to have to slave your way through a really, really long post. So I will attempt to keep it short.

Attempt meaning fail. And you will have an epic amount to read, because if you know me by now, I don't do these things half heartedly xD

Righttt, I guess I should start with Sundayyyy;

Day 1 of Liquid Fast;

13 calories; 2x5calDietEnergyDrinks, and 3cals of Squash+Water

I spent the entire day, from 11am to Monday morning 4am doing artwork. Solidly, with no stop, and Saturday night, I had also done artwork until 6am, falling asleep at 7am.

I asked my Mum to buy me the energy drinks simply because I would have been unable to of stayed fully concentrated while only on that meesly 5hours of sleep, which took insomnia pills for me to actually end up sleeping.

My insomnia is getting so bad nowadays :(

But I must admit, I got an impressive amount of artwork done! And was really proud of myself :)

Monday;

Ok I decided to switch to a liquid fast, doing only water, and things in water, was not going to happen, I was so exhausted and needed a pick me up - and I'm surprisingly determined to not get addicted to energy drinks, therefore hot chocolates ore officially allowed :)

495calories worth of hot chocolates only consumed today.

And no, i'm not beating myself up over the fact it's the dreaded hot chocolate. When you are as tired as I am, you really...really don't care. It's liquid, so that is all that matters :)

Anyways, not even that gave me energy, at college I was feeling faint, having constant headrushes and could not concentrate on anything at all :/...I looked drunk while I was walking! It was ridiculous...so at lunch time, after the critical assessment (involves us showing our work to the class etc), I went home - Mum picked me up around 1ish, I was not in a fit state to walk home :/

Took some pills when I got home, and slept till I think, around 6 or 7ish. I couldn't sleep without the pills though :/

Anyway in the evening went out for a drive with Emma, Li and E, because even though I was faint, I really couldn't be bothered to stay home to be honest, and besides, twas just sitting in a car :)

And I have to make the most of things...

Emma has 3 weeks :'(

....but I don't want to talk about that right now (although knowing me i'll refer back to it later in the post...)

Tuesday;

443 calories of hot chocolate with milk, water, and this fruit slurp thing (no that wasn't with hot chocolate lol)

Missed college completely as I was way, way too tired, and couldn't possibly get up, I had spent the entire night simply tossing and turning, really uncomfortable, and just...not slept. So I said fuck it, and stayed home. Took some pills again :/ and slept 9 till 12ish, I think, maybe 11...I can't really remember, my mind is pretty fucked at the moment....urgh :(

Anyway, then I did some art, before heading out for a cruise again laterr. We went to E's sat there for a while, and got really rather bored >_<. Eventually, E, Li, Emma, E's younger brother and I went to some park, we left the guys to go off and, ahem, smoke some weed, while we stayed in the car, with the keys ;)

Emma showed me how to drive :D, I mean, I can't do gear sticks...but hey, I can use the break, clutch and accelerator, and steer pretty well, she said she would easily trust me in a car :D...and when the guys came back, I breaked perfectly infront of them :), E was like 'no wayssss' xD haha.

We eventually dropped Emma off, then E's brother, then Li and E took me to Lily's house :) for 11.30pm,

M was there too, now what is my nickname for M? Ohh, yuss, MJ haha. Simple as that xD, anyways, MJ was there too, I told them about Emma's situation, and they were all hugs and sympathetic etc. which was sweet.

By 1am MJ was asleep (lucky biatch has conquered her insomnia), and Lily and I talked till 2am, when she then drifted off. I read a magazine till 3am, then tossed and turned in bed till 5am. Before, deciding that waiting till 8am for the alarm to wake the others up would drive me insane, and that walking 2 mins home, taking pills and sleeping there, was a much better idea. So I left a note, and went home, for about 5.20am. Asleep for 7am, awake at 12. 4hours sleep? Pathetic :(

Did artwork all day, as day off college, and then out in the evening.

This is wednesday by this point, and I went over board with calories; 858 of hot chocolate to be exact xD...

Anyways, still not beating myself up over it. Li and E picked me up, and we went to Emma's work (small pub with golf course lol), and kept her company, the drunkards were quite funny, but also creepy, asking about porn, and saying Emma and I were really flirty and attractive, she knows them all well though so was ok, but still - uncomfortable! Her manager was like, I can tell you are going to be beautiful and sophisticated when you are older because you have a nice facial bone structure (haha yusssssss my cheekbones are becoming more prominent xD woopwoop :D)....and I was like, haha thanks? E was all, when you're older? So you'll be the lushest 80 year old going ;) niceee :P haha.

The manager was all, you got a boyfriend? 'no' ... that's surprising! Haha, he asked if either E or Li was with me, I was like no... (E perhaps? - oh I wish haha)

Anyways, after that went home for just gone midnight - the guys went to the kebab house so Li could get chips first, and Emma walked 2mins home lol. Li knew I hadn't eaten in a few days and tried shoving the chips at me, I was like, er no ways xD. And avoided them, yay :D, also bumped into a mate of mine, and saw some funny drunk blonde, like 'ever got drunk and regretted everything you did that night? Yeah, for me tonight is one of those nights' hahah xD

Got home, went on laptop, battery died, took sleeping aid herbal thingys (not insomnia pills) and some honey in water (a remedy a mate suggested) and actually fell asleep by 2.30am. Now that was a nice achievement :)

Thursday;

Up at 7am. Promptly, was wide awake, like I'd not slept, but felt nicely refreshed :)

I've had 1000calories so far, urgh.

470 worth of energy drinks :/, the rest hot chocolate and half of this awful frescato at Costa...

Went to college today, wasn't too bad, but really boring, and had like a million people comment on my skinniness. Which is good but bad. Good because it means I am getting there, bad because it means they are noticing and worrying a bit :/ and will likely stuff me with food, or atleast try to :/

I went to the doctors...hoping they would give me some pills so I could sleep. Oh, no.

I went in there, with Mum (huge mistake) and she started asking questions;

Whats up?

I cant sleep,

Ok tell me when you do sleep,

6am, for a couple hours.

Whats life like?

Hectic,

Ok, how is your eating?

MUM - she rarely eats

ME - excuse me, I do eat, only this week have I been poor at it because I don't really eat when tired (had to repeat this statement several times)

Doctor to Mum - do you think she has lost weight?

Mum - Yes, a lot.

Me - It's only this week, I'm not normally this bad

Mum - you've never had normal eating habits. It's either ALL OR NOTHING.

I wanted to bitch slap my mother.

Doctor - doesn't sound like your eating habits are good, that won't help for starters.

Is college ok?

Yeah I have a lot of work, I do that when bored at night, or go on the laptop

Are you up to date?

Even after all that working, no not quite.

Ok, and parties, how often are they?

Every other weekend maybe?

Do you drink?

Yes.

How much?

At parties, minimum 1 bottle of vodka pretty much.

Wow, that's not good on an empty stomach.

*since when did I say my stomach was empty? Do not assume things, biatch*

I don't drink on an empty stomach. I said it's only this week i've been so bad because I don't eat when tired.

Ok, do you drink during the week?

No. i'm not a fucking alcoholic.

Smoke?

No. do I smell like smoke to you?
*doctors are so offensive*

Periods ok?

Yeah they're regular,

Once a month?

Yeah, that is what regular means, is it not?

How long for?

4-5 days.

Haha. As if i'm going to tell you that this months period was non-existent.

OK anything else bothering you?

Mum - you should tell her about Emma

Me - yeah my best mate is dying in 3 weeks I think subconsiciously that may have some part in this.

Doctor - wow, well, the life you have described is very chaotic.

No shit sherlock. That's why i'm like this.

Doctor - do you really think the work you get done for art that late at night is decent?

Yes, thank you. I can get a lot done. Are you doubting my artistic abilities?

Hm, i'm not too sure. Can you step on the scales please?

Mum - with boots off?

Doctor - No don't worry about those.

Thank fuck.

49kg.

The last time we weighed you was 3 years ago, I was 14. And 53kg. So you weigh less then you did when you were growing. Hahaha growing? Woman I'm a midget and stopped growing at like, 13.

*honestly, how reliable is it to compare weight now, to when I was a chubby 14 year old. Everyone is chubby when growing up. Big deal, I lost my puppy fat. Woop-de-doo (hehe)*

So you have lost a fair bit *in three years. THREE YEARS.

I think we need to check you for anemia.

I'm fine I take iron tablets.

And for thyroid. Yours is obvious *asks me to swallow to prove to Mum and student doctor in the room*, though it may be because you are skinny.

Anyway, you need a blood test.

No fucking way.

I'm not having any needles in me.

It's for your benefit.

No.

You are 17, you were brave enough to come here and talk about it, now make the grown up decision and go for the test.

Fuck off, Mum forced me here bitch.

I can't.

*shales head*

Long Pause.

You can have a cream to put on it, which in an hour will numb your arm and you won't feel a thing.

Do you not understand phobias, doctor? It's not the pain. It's the thought. Now keep your fucking needles to your fucking self.

You can go back to college, and come for an appointment later.

I left the room, Mum had a quick word (I hate that. What the fuck did she say to the doctor? I was too busy CRYING to listen in. Fucksake)

Went back to college, drew things to do with insomnia and eating disorders, bleugh, moaned about the doctors. Had 4 energy drinks,

Then after college went to Costa with Emma,

Missed my blood test at 3.30pm,

Mum phoned around 5pm via Emma as my phone was at home, and I said I had not gone, and explained the phobia, she said 'ok I suppose there isn't much I can do, it's your choice' which is good, I am fasting and they would notice a low oxygen level if they took a sample...

Anyway, I came home for 6ish, walked long way home uphill, and then been on computer since.

Woohoo. Got out of blood test :D

Though I fucking hated that doctors appointment and am not going back there again. She would probably keep an eye on my weight, be even more patronising and force a bloodtest to happen. I cannot deal with that right now.

Urgh. She was also stupid enough to be like, a routine is the solution. Start now.

Dinner at 6, shower at 7, art done by 10 (I cannot get all my art done by 10, how quick do you think I work, and how little do you think I have to do, when I am up till 6am and still NOT up to date? How fucking stupid are you?) ... bed for 11pm.

She is so stupid. That would do NOTHING. I would sit. For hours, bored out my brain, when I could be doing art or something. What a twat. Changing everything THAT drastically will NOT help.

BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED!!

Anyway, frustrating fucking day.

Hated it.

Bleugh, sorry, told you post would be long.

I'm also away this weekend with Emma, we are getting matching tattoo's that we both have designed, so that we have a connection when she is...gone.

I love her so much :'( ...

Stay strong,

Think strong,

Live, and Die Strong.

xox

All time low?

Well the Emma thing is getting to me, along with the being fat thing, the guy problem thing, the always making mistakes in my life thing, and every other thing that is going on :(

We were emailing last night (Emma and I) while she was staying over night at hospital - she was origionally planning to go into Hospital on Saturday (yesterday) for an operation, and I would've gone too. But instead, she was so ill, she stayed there Friday, but then returned in the morning - feeling equally as shit.

Seriously, that girl is so fucking strong. I actually think the only reason she came home was to do her art homework.

Who does that?? Lol.

Anyways, at midnight on Friday we were emailing, talking about everything, and we both made each other cry. After she went offline I was writing another email, and the thought that she could never be my maid of honour (if I got married), or a godmother to my kids (if I change my mind and want them), made me really cry.

About 2am I managed to go to sleep, after crying a fair bit :'(

These late nights, and insomnia are doing me no good; I look permanently tired, and exhausted. Team that with fasting, constant crying, and weightloss, and I look constantly ill.

My Dad told me I looked awful on Thursday xD

I went to town today - to get a present for my old neighbour (she is 14 now, I know - 3 years younger, but I knew her when I was 7, she was 5, and her sister, 6months, and back then the age difference never really mattered. It still doesn't - the only thing I can't talk to her about is sex, haha) ... anyway, when I was in town, I couldn't smile, at anything...I was just sad, and had watery eyes the whole time...I was listening to Te Amo, by Rihanna, and was in a generally sad mood. I got home, wrapped up the presents, wrote the card, and headed off - I walked to hers, which took 20mins, and ...still couldn't cheer up. She though something was wrong when I arrived at her party...

I cheered up eventually... but ended up bingeing. I was meant to be on a fast. Till Sunday, and I failed - stupid fucking BBQ.

I had; 2 spicy bean burgers (400), 2 meringues (40), 2 vegetable dunkers (120), 2 slices cake (180), some coconut thingy (160) a kitkat (107) and a chocolate bar (210)...

Binge total: 1217

Yes, could have been worse - but that was fucking bad enough :(

I'd already done badly enough having 2 small hot chocolates today. Fml.

Exercise I did?

2o mins walking there,

15mins running around playing games, minimum.

10mins walking back, 6minutes of running back home.

Walking to town and back - 2omins.

And I plan to exercise through the night...but its already almost 4am. So not much night left, and my brother and Dad are up at 5am to go fishing...that'll be funny. I'll be like 'morning!' haha.

I hate insomnia.

I should be doing art - perfect to catch up now, extra time. As i've loads to do - infact I will after this,

As I have spent the last, I don't know, 2 hours (?) designing a tattoo, which Emma and I are getting...it was my idea - so when she...goes...we have some connection, something both of us have on us, skin deep within us.

I told my parents, they didn't say yes...or no.

So I don't know,

My Grandad would despise it though. But the idea and concept means way to much to me then his opinion on the matter.

I want my ears pierced a second time, the tips of my hair dyed, some layers put int, my belly button done, and this tattoo... I really like the whole...scene thing? lol...the shape of this girls hair is what I want, I also want her legs!

That was todays thinspo for me :) too bad it didn't stop me bingeing. Fuck. Sake. I'm prob 104lbs now. EW.

I'm aiming for 6 stone now, that's 84lbs... 20 fucking lbs away. Urgh :'(

Anyway I took 4 paracetomol earlier, hoping the caffeine would I don't know...do something to help me digest this shit in me. And also I wanted to boost my insomnia, so I could do art xD

Omg, someone is awake going to the loo...

Must go! And do art...

Urgh.

Stay strong

...I'm starting a 25 day water fast today...

Wish me luck, and support me...pleaseeeeee!!!

xox

Fuck Up

Yus, that's me.

Why?

Because I haven't blogged in almost a week.

I have been out, fucking up my life.

And everyone elses.

I am out of control.

I binged yesterday. Just one day. But One day too many.

Life is tough, and now I'll fill you in on the details. After all, I need to make up for my absence somehow. A lengthy interesting blog sounds about good enough. Especially as I have 2 more followers; Hello, and welcome. I promise i'm not normally so poor at updating this blog. Hang in there, it will get better :)

Oh and yes, i'm brutally honest in everything I say, so please don't judge, I know my life is fucked up...it's my way of punishing myself, by doing stupid things. That and i'm a teenager, whose teenage life isn't fucked up?

Warning though - this is a fairly grown up post, so I don't want anyone too young reading it :/ but it's up to you lol, just alcohol, and sex is involved, so yeah...

Starting with Saturday, which was when my last post was,

Emma, Li, E and I went for a cruise, but Emma ended up, by about 9pm, feeling absolutely awful - stomach cramps and everything, which is part of the effects of her heart disease :( ... anyway while on the way to drop her home, E was asking when I'd need to be back - I said around 11pm, to which he protested and said it was too early, I said I'd have to stay somewhere to allowed out all night...his response? Stay at his. Emma said to do it...and tell my parents I was at hers. So that's what I did.

We cruised for a while, before parking in a carpark around 1am. Li was getting emotional because he quite liked Emma, and she had texted to say she wouldn't be out on any more cruises for a while - which is understandable...to me, as I know what's going on. Li on the other hand, doesn't have a clue, and automatically assumed the worst; that it was because of him. Now, admittedly Emma doesn't feel the same way, but she'd never act like that simply because a guy liked her.

Anyway, he got out the car, and started walking/running around the field, while E and I were left in the car. We had a lengthy chat, about Li and other things, and E ended up stroking my leg, and we were rather close. Now, this is hardly normal for a guy with a girlfriend, right?

Anyway, Li had a bottle of beer, and E and I decided to ask him to take us to E's - before the alochol kicked in and he ended up drink driving :/

He took us back for around 2am, but instead of staying too, he went for a drive, before returning home.

E and I were wide awake, and he decided the hot tub would be a good idea, and I must admit, it was a lush idea. We chatted for ages, admired the stars, and then ended up cuddled together, he commented on how skinny I was;

'You're just skin and bones' he said.

I smiled so much.

A few minutes later and we were kissing. Not because he'd said that, haha. But there was this connection, it felt so intense, it was surreal. One thing led to another, and well... we ended up having sex. To put it bluntly.

It was... breathe taking.

We went up to his room and shared his bed, which didn't impress his dad in the morning... but anyway, we had to get up around 8ish. And what did we do before getting up? Yeah, sex again.

Morning sex is lush though ;)

But I was so confused...he's...taken?

Anyway, we went to town to watch some victorian cricket day thing, with his dad, sister, and family friends (a mum, dad and toddler daughter - cannot remember their names haha)... then we headed back to E's after Li joined us.

E's family went off to Legoland with the friends, while E, Li, T (another mate of E's who turned up later) and I stayed at E's place. They were sorting out the trucks etc. and E showed me the landrover he was working on; he'd attached the doors the day before lol.

Eventually we got rather bored though, and headed off to a nearby river, we chose a secluded spot, with a patch of grass to sunbathe on, and where we were away from everyone. The 3 guys were in swimming trunks and braved the freezing cold water, with E's two dogs - Jazz and Bee, who we'd taken with us. I daren't brave the cold water, and did not want them seeing me in a bikini :/

Even though E already has lol.

I was home for 9.45pm on Sunday. Stupid parents.

Can't remember what I ate. If anything, an apple and some quorn. That's it, as that is the meal plan I followed the week before, and continued with. However I may have fasted? Or missed out the quorn. I don't know. I did well though every day except yesterday, so i'm not fussed that I can't remember the cals - with everything I ate, I know each day was under 400cals.

Monday;

Li, E and I went for a cruise, went to the local supermarket, bought some alcohol, and went back to E's. We waited until the family had gone to sleep, went in the living room and something drink, we watched 'The Men Who Stare At Goats' which is quite a good film, and then put on 'St Trinian's 2', which is also awesome.

Li fell asleep half way through St Trinians, I was sat next to him on the sofa, and looked up at E. He hinted for me to go sit next to him, which I did. And guess what, one thing...led to another.

Afterwards though...yeah -afterwards, he mentioned how he shouldn't do that, he has a girlfriend etc. so I started apologizing, all 'i'm sorry, i'm ruining things' blahblah. Even though the whole thing is both of our faults. He was all 'don't be sorry, you're a great friend, and you're gorgeous, but i'm taken, i'm sorry'...then was like 'actually my girlfriend said for me to tell you something when you came over' ...he showed me a text saying 'tell her you're my bitch ;)' as in, hinting that he is hers, not mine. Ha. Funny how he then said 'I couldn't be bothered to show you'... I was like, oh, okay? You're with your girlfriend, yet doing this...hm.

So anyway, morning came around and I had artwork yada yada, so went home, but as it was E's mate's birthday (otherE) they had decided to have a get together in the evening.

Initially they'd been all 'we're gonna go ice skating' but that changed, and after eating my dinner - some quorn with two pints of cranberry juice... I always sip between each bite... I had felt really ill, hot and sticky, like a fever was coming on, and had a nap - around 10pm I texted asking what on earth was going on, they said they were going to get wasted, I said 'don't drink my last WKD still at E's'...E then phoned me up and said 'i'm going to drink it' haha. Then they decided I should come along too. Within 10 minutes, I was up, ready to go, telling my Mum my mate was bored and wanted me to sleep over, that Li was driving me there because he was currently out cruising, and i'd see her in the morning...

I was picked up by Li, with E, otherE, and A. We went back to E's, pretended to not have any alcohol, waited for the family to go to bed, and then started drinking in the living room etc. OtherE and A are lightweights xD. We watched tv etc. and being guys they flicked through the Babe channels, urgh. I was like...nice...:/ ha.

But whatever, Li and OtherE fell asleep eventually, but A was wide awake, yet not...with it? The alochol had got to him. E was laying down behind me on the sofa... both of us a bit tipsy, thank you vodka and coke (not diet...ew. My alcohol intake and normal coke intake this week were disgusting) ... and we ended up having sex again...without A even noticing...

I feel disgusted. But kind of... I don't know, it's wierd. Because you feel like some wierd sense of ...something I can't explain. You're like, oh my god. I actually did that?? And without anyone noticing?? I'm so disgusting. Yet so totally hardcore. Haha.

No mention of the girlfriend this time either?

Anyway, morning came around, his family went out and we all chilled for a while, but the guys had college. So Li took them there, after popping to MacDonalds for breakfast - which of course, I resisted. After they went to college, Li drove me home so I could do some art work...and shower etc. lol.

Anyway it was now Wednesday, and that night was Ed's birthday BBQ. Emma and I had been told to be ready for 7pm. Yet 9pm rolled around with no news from the guys. Eventually by half past, Emma had been picked up, and then I was too. We headed to Co-op so Emma could buy us some alcohol - mainly for me, as she can't drink... then drove off and headed for the river spot, which is where we decided to camp and have a BBQ.

Li and left behind part of his tent. So for well over an hour, they were gone, Emma and I, were with A, otherE and another mate we didn't know - D. We were sat a little bit away from them, with vodka and DIET coke (yayy) ... and were having a burping contest - we were with guys after all, not like they would care :)

By the time E and Li arrived back, I was already tipsy. I don't remember much of that night.

I know that I argued with Emma. And remember shouting at her etc.

I remember that E joked saying I should eat meat. And being the stupid fool I am when I like a guy, I did what he said.

I'm vegetarian. And I ate steak and a sausage.

Needless to say I felt rather ill the day after...

Anyway drunk mistake - i'm still veggie.

I got told that I would also make drinks for him if he wanted it, and just do anything for him etc. I woke up in his tent. But Emma said I hadn't done anything with him, thank fuck. I don't want to ruin things even more.

I felt so rough on Thursday, we all got up and left pretty quickly, couldn't be arsed to hang around, and the army were nearby practicing shooting which sketched us out xD

Arrived back at E's, all the lads had bacon sandwiches. So...fucking..tempting.

But yeah, I still felt the vodka. Which was ew.

I had a binge day : (

While at E's I had 4 mini Mr.Kipling Lemon slices - 111calories each!

But that was nothing. Eventually at 2pm Emma and I got Li to drop us off home - after we'd been sat in the kitchen watching the lads in the garden, chilling, listening to music, free running, doing flips over tables etc. Wanting Li to take his top off so Emma could see his six pack i witnessed when at the river... lol. Then when they came inside E's mate who lives with him; otherA, came downstairs (he is gorgeous) so we ended up looking at him alot...and laughing all girly like xD lol...

Anyway, got home, had a shower, which was pathetically warm, but much needed! I hated feeling the vodka however, and had a toasted quorn sausage sandwich... butter on the toast, and ketchup. It was lush. But urgh. I made it to soak up the alcohol, and I triggered a binge.

Went to town, met up with Emma, went to college to print art work off. We found a good mate of ours - who i'll call Elle, there, she had been kicked out her house and explained to us how she hadn't eaten in 2 days (she normally eats fuck loads, and of course, isn't like me, so it was a big deal to her), and was just about to use up her last lot of baccy. She was broke too, and pay day is ages away for her.

Emma went and bought her more tobacco, and I ordered her a large dominoes, Vegetarian supreme pizza - she isn't veggie, but she loves that one. And ended up having three slices with the garlic and herb sauce myself. But resisted the last slice, so she could save it for later.

After that, Emma and I couldn't afford costa as planned lol, we walked to her bus stop, and a few mins before it turned up, my mate walked by, and as she lives up the road from me, we walked back together :)

I spent Thursday night at home, night time was a nightmare, I cried over Emma, I sent E and email of apology as I feared he would hate me, and I miss JB :(

I fell asleep, absolutely shattered by 1am, which is early for me. But I guess, sometimes, a whole week of being out constantly and barely sleeping, can even combat insomnia.

I slept in this morning...missed college :/

Did some art, met Emma for costa - had a summer berries one, they were out of Mango and Passionfruit :O... then went to pick up my neighbour, babysat her, did more art, and then been on computer ever since. I plan to get some sleep tonight, so I can do art tomorrow, and have energy to exercise.

I am also now on a liquid fast, till I reach 90lbs, or 84lbs (6stone) ... I just cba with this fat nonsense anymore.

Yesterdays binge included, meringue, biscuits, sweets, buttered toast with vegetable raveoli and cheese, and a cheese quorn escalope (that itself is around 300cals), ice cream a kitkat and fruit&nut chocolate bar...

Today, I had fruit juice, a frescato (juice whizzed with ice), a soup broth, and, because I went straight from a binge to fasting, and that's not easy, I allowed myself soup (250), tomato and red pepper, it's smooth, so no chunks, and counts as liquid.

Apparently on liquid fast yoghurt is allowed too, and sometimes people allow whipped cream and ice cream?

Seems wierd to me to allow those. Though Ice cream van ice cream...is bloody tempting.

I thought, how about I eat nothing. Like, just juice, soup broth and water. And the only food I can consume, is ice cream van ice cream. As they only come down our road once a week if you're lucky. Therefore I'd be like, food free :D but would have one exciting pick me up like once a week :)

But I don't think I could do that. A binge would be so likely to follow. Either that or just sheer guilt. The 5 bite diet - 2 chocolate bars a day, is also tempting.

Damn my sweet tooth. Haha.

Anyways, i'm knackered, and it's taken me several hours to catch up on everything.

Congratulations if you read all of this, you are one hell of a trooper. I only wrote so much so I would feel better, and updated. I doubt anyone will actually make the effort to read it all...

So please comment if you do...would be much appreciated... especially if you have any views on anything, it's been a hectic week, but don't judge me on my actions - I have told E that I want to be friends etc. but want him happy and I know he'll be happy with his ex, so in that sense i'm backing off etc and he forgave me :)

But anyway, fast fast fast :)

(Fast starting weight - 104lbs after binge of actual fat weight, I took of the food weight...I was 102lbs before!)

Stay strong

xox

Has it really been that long since I posted?

For those who don't know;

JB is the guy I was seeing.

The conversation of 'I don't really know what to say' ...'same :/'

Seems to have ended things, not a word from him since.

I'm going to catch you up on everything;

Thursday:

Up early, walked to train station (powerwalked 25mins)

On train, with J and O,

To a nearby town, for a college trip - a tour around a university, yay.

15mins walking to the Uni.

Got given a tour around, that place was shit.

But the tour was exercise, I guess that's a plus, as stairs were involved too.

Then had the option to go home, or hang around.

Er...home please.

15min power walk to station,

Train ride home,

25minute power walk home.

No house key; 1pm.

I had to stay outside for 3 hours,

Danced for 30minutes,

Folded newspaper for some art, for an hour.

And listened to music for the rest of the time.

From 3-4pm, it rained, I got soaked.

Evening came around, went for cruise with E and his mate Li,

Emma wasn't up for coming out, and had art work to do.

I was to scared to ask how the hospital trip went, and upset her that I didn't ask.

Cruise was good, went back to Li's

Played x-box, thrashed Li on Call of Duty, but sucked against E.

He was cuddled up to me, was real sweet.

Got dropped of 11:30pm, half hour late.

He gave me the most amazing hug, and kissed me on the cheek.

I was so happy, so, so happy :)

Friday:

Made things up with Emma,

Walked to a mates, 25mins powerwalking,

Was good fun,

Until E texted me, telling me he was talking to his ex, she wanted him back.

Walked to nearby school, 15mins power walking,

Picked up neighbour, walked her home, 20mins walking.

Walked back to mates, 25mins powerwalking.

Got ready for the party, went to it 7:30pm,

Left at 9:30pm for a cruise with Emma, Li and hopefully E.

E couldn't make it.

Spent 3 hours cruising, went miles and miles and miles away, and back. I though i'd be late home (deadline 12pm) so told Mum I was at Emma's for the night, Emma was locked out, so didn't matter about an excuse for her, we had nowhere to go.

We would've wandered the streets, or found a hotel, but Li cottened on and took us back to his, we felt like we were intruding.

Emma had the couch and I had the floor, we chatted till almost 3am, about alsorts of stuff, before falling asleep.

Woke up at 8am, and eventually Li took us home for 10ish.

Emma and I met up today at Costa, after going to New Look.

(15mins Powerwalking)

I bought some new jeans,

Some skinny jeans...

SOME SIZE 6 SKINNY JEANS

(US SIZE 2)

Omg :P I'm so amazed, they fit PERFECTLY :D

...Went to Costa, went for a walk, went back to Costa,

Came home (15mins powerwalking)

Found out, E is back with his ex.

But he is still up for cruises etc.

So,

I can win him over,

Atleast, I will try to :)

Trying to stay positive...

Food consumption;

Thursday:

2 quorn sausages (118)

Quorn Filet (94)

Quorn bacon pieces (50)

Strawberries (20)

Total = 282calories

Friday:

FAST

0 calories (from food)

Today:

Same as Thursday, replacing strawberries with apple - (282-20)+100 = 362calories,

Along with some stewed apple and rubharb,

So, round about,

420calories in total.

Nice one :)

Out later with Li, and E. Time to start winning him over...wish me luck :)

Stay strong, sorry this is just a brief catch up,

xox

16 followers :D

Welcome all you new followers :)

I can hardly believe it,

Makes me so happy xD

So last night, I didn't post...stupid me :(

But I had...and amazing night...and the day was ok too lol,

Woke up, had some cranberry juice, put mu ipod docking station on, and danced for 30minutes, I was exhausted xD...I love doing that, it's so much fun, and you get exercise without realising :)

I then headed to college (walked there/back, 20mins both way, but was a bit slower on way back, so just averaged 30minutes power walking), met up with Emma and my mate B-K, which was good, haven't seen him in weeks, I sorted a bit of art out (been really bad at getting on with it recently...thankyou...E xD)

Walked home, and chatted to Emma outside my house till 5:30pm!

Came inside, sorted out a few things, then went on my laptop, I didn't have dinner till 6:30pm;

Quorn filet (45)

Quorn Sausage (59)

Quorn Bacon pieces (50)

And an apple :) (100)

Totalling 244 calories; not too bad.

Then, organised to go out :)

To E's place,

He is learning to drive, so he picked me up - with his Mum lol, in his White Discovery :), I had to sit in a seat in the back, it was side on, and just literally a random seat, in the boot... I was a little freaked, as it's obviously not the safest thing ever xD, and was weird not having leg room etc, as your legs are on the same level as the seat...ha.

Anyway, got to his, and had to take the dogs for a walk :), that was atleast an hour of walking :)

Which equated to me having done 2 hours exercise, like I promised (because of London etc. I hadn't managed to fit exercise in on Monday - although London was like, 4-5hours of walking lol, I didn't count it...so promised to double the exercise on Tuesday)

It was good fun, walking through fields, and crops lol, through a forest, down lanes etc and we always had something to talk about;

His family have a house in Scotland, the IOW and Florida! As well as their normal home!

They own lots of horses too, he asked if I like horses, I was like 'yess!! I haven't been riding in almost a year and i'm gutteddd' ...
So, he said 'ok, if i get the horses together, and sort out, want to go for a ride sometime?'

YES PLEASE!!

Seriously, a guy I can go riding with ... oh, my, godd...*dreams of summer, riding through fields, stopping and lying down in the hay, arms around each other falling asleep from the heat*

Woops...

Sorry JB :/

Urgh I need to sort out what's going on :/

ANYWAY

Went back to his :)

He had some fahijtas (they smelt lush...thank god i'm veggie :P)

And was like 'I feel so fat' ... ha, he doesn't know what that really feels like...

He is gorgeous, and has such a nice body...

Which was confirmed, when we went in the hotub.

Yes, I braved a bikini, and went in the hotub.

I think it was after finding out I had lost weight yesterday, I felt actually good about myself, besides, once in the hotub he couldn't see much, well...actually it had a light in it, but whatever, I actually felt good around him...

We chatted about art and college etc. still having a good catch up :)

Then we had to get out, and he drove me home,

I also met his friend A, who lives top floor of their house - his parents moved, but E and him are so close, he stayed and moved in with them instead xD

Apparently E showed him pictures of me, and he said I wasn't bad xD

When I spoke to E on facebook after getting home, he gave me butterflies, he said;

'Is it wrong that I wanted to kiss you in the hotub?'

Oh.My.Gosh.

I can't like himmm!!
I'm with JB...

Who barely texts anymore, and reacted with 'oh ok' when I told him about my depression.

Nob.

And who is fat,

Ok, podgy, not morbidly obese (ew)

But...it's bugging me more :/

Urgh, anyway, I have to go,

But I'll keep you updatedd...

And, gosh I need to get on with art, and get E off my mind xD

Talk about E on the brain last night :P

He is so much better, then anyone... argh... 'JB,JB,JB! Remember him?'

Balls.

Oh well, whatever happens, at least i'm losing weight and am in control :P

Going with Emma to hospital today...hope it goes ok :s

Stay strong

xox