Monday 31 May 2010

Hectic....is an understatement. But atleast I didn't gain weight ;)

Sorry i've not posted - I did warn you I may not have time :)

The party on Friday was... Hectic!

I can't really get my head around what happened,

I was meant to sleep over,

Woke up,

In my own bed, at home.

Serious 'WTF?' moment.

I remember nothing past, about, 10PM.

WOW.

Had been having a really good time,

Let myself go with the alcohol a bit :/

Vodka and Orange Juice baby ;)

Lol

Anyway, last thing I remember is being egged on to down two glasses of it :/

Which I did.

Everything else I have been informed of;

I was throwing up for 2 hours,

Had removed the corset I was wearing (tart party) because I couldn't breathe.

I was literally in bra and knickers...and tights.

I had been upstairs with Emma at one point – she was feeling faint, and needed to relax.

Apparently, I turned round to her, and said I didn’t need her, I was going to go off with S, she would be my new best friend (i’m not even overly keen on S :/ she has just been trying to worm her way into our friendship, and using us to get close to O who she is in love with, but he doesn’t know her that well, yet we’re close with him, so can invite him to things she is at – hence how he came to being at her party), and that I was going to leave Emma because ‘she’d be gone in a few months anyway’

I almost cried when Emma told me this.

Why would I say that stuff? I was disgusted at myself. I’m a bitch, a horrible, horrible cow. And deserve to die after saying shit like that. Emma knows it was drunk talk, but what was going through my head when drunk for me to believe those words I was spewing?

It’s as though the devil took me over and spat out hatred at the one person I love most L

Anyway, J then came upstairs, and I went off with him, leaving Emma. J and I had apparently got quite close (I have a habit of flirting with him, and my flirtatiousness is worse when drunk) but nothing happened (thank goodness). However according to Emma, or J I don’t know, Lola told me this; I went in to kiss J, then instead went and threw up in the bathroom.

Yeah I was taken from the bathroom (once i’d stopped throwing up) and needed to be taken to the car. Emma had hold of me, but otherJ was like, no i’ve got her! I can carry her etc. (otherJ has been feeling left out recently, she thinks me an Emma don’t like her anymore etc. But we do, just Emma and I have a stronger friendship, OtherJ doesn’t even know about Emma’s heart condition...) anyway, Emma said ok then take her, otherJ immediately dropped me, I fell backwards, hit my head on the stairs (had already hit it once on the bathroom door handle) and then OtherJ (who is a fairly big girl) FELL ON ME.

No wonder i’m so bruised :/

They thought I had died, I was so out of it.

Emma had tried to give me dignity with a cardigan but it dropped off, J, O and C carried me to the car. Lola sat behind me, propping my head over a bowl.

My brother dragged me inside (after dropping me in the road)

And LITERALLY dragged me on the floor, into bed.

I woke up, the next day, I could not move because my head hurt so fucking much (no surprise there) and I had CONCUSSION as well as a hang over. I almost threw up about 20 times jsut getting up to pee. Only reason I ddin’t was because... i needed the toilet to pee! Hahaha xD

Urgh, so yeah what a night.

And apparently S’s little brother who is 13, had two friends over, they each (but not her brother) paid otherJ £2 to snog them. And she did, she is 18! And they are 13! Talk about stooping low :/

I haven’t really spoken to her since Friday...

ANYWAY

Saturday was crazy, i hated the thought of alcohol being in me, so I wanted food...wierd.

I felt quilty, but wanted to be full, NOT bloated, but full. Urgh.

I had, spread out throughout the day;

5 pieces of toast and butter

Bowl of pasta

3 Biscuits

Slice of cake

My mum told me that I had to have carbs and fat to soak up the alcohol, ew. Well i felt horrible enough that i just let myself eat. I couldn’t move thanks to the hangover and concussion from hitting my head on the bathroom door handle, stairs, laminate flooring and road. I couldn’t move until 11:30pm on Saturday...

On Sunday was a meal out, and I started the day with breakfast as well; toast with butter, 2 quorn sausages and 2 kitkats. Urgh.

Lunch was a buffet, with foods from all European countries, I had Bombay potato (Indian), roast potato, noodles with veg, fried noodles, erm, salad, fruit salad, two slices of cake (one choc, one like, strawberry gateau style)... crispy seaweed (Chinese) etc. need I go on?

So then I got home, 7pm, feeling not bloated, but REALLY sluggish, and disgusting, was so wierd, like my stomach was numb... seeing as normally that much food would equal bloating, but I couldn’t feel it? Ew.

Anyway, I went out to see some mates (BBQ – i’m veggie so thats ok, and picnic, hm), I walked there – 30minute powerwalk to get there, then I spent ages running around and walking, and having a really good time in general :) ... I avoided the picnic food as well, had only 2 diet cokes!

So i did ok in the evening...

And this morning?

105lbs!

I did NOT gain anything!

YAYAYAYAYAY.

And i’m back on track.

Following a fruit, veg, salad and protein only diet.

Before maybe later on, fasting.

Breakfast;

2 egg whites (28)

Cinnamoned Apple (100)

*Cinnamon is a metabolism booster

Did 100situps, and 100 of these other things I don’t know the name of xD

NO lunch, as I did not do an hour exercise (too busy with art work)

A peach, and large handful of raisins for a snack (100?)

I don’t know the calories for that :s

Erm, and haven’t had dinner, but may have some vegetables later, perhaps with 2 quorn sausages – 1ill feedback on that later :) ...atleast i’m up to date on the blog, seeing as I haven’t done anything interesting but art today xD

Anyway, i’ve ordered size 4 jeans (US size 0) and aim to fit into them within 3 weeks.

So I want to lose 14lbs in 3 weeks. Hopefully that will be enough? I’m not sure lol.

Will soon find out if it is possible.

Stay strong

xox

Friday 28 May 2010

I promise...

This won't become a new trend,
Posting, not posting, posting, not posting etc.
I have been very busy recently,
And I shall PRE-WARN you, I have a busy weekend ahead of me,
Just in-case I can't post again for a while.
I'm not slacking on purpose,
I'm just attempting to have a life.
Attempting to be normal,
On the social side of things.
I would hate to ever isolate myself for too long,
I waste away my life as it is,
I'd rather not do it in more ways then one.
Yesterday, I need to catch you up on yesterday.
Well, firstly wednesday night I was told at midnight, I could have 15 more minutes on the internet, mum woke up to find me on it still, at 1:45am, I had been waiting for my ex to reply to 'how are you', after he eventually said 'hello...' to my 'hi...'... but she promptly turned it off.
At around 2:30am I was still awake.
Still thinking,
About my ex.
I texted him;
'You still awake? x'
'Only if I've something to be a awake for'
'Meaning? x'
Then he didn't reply.
I was awake till about 3am, and fell asleep.
Woke up yesterday morning.
NO INTERNET HUB.
My dad, had removed the WHOLE hub, and hidden it.
As punishment for spending too long on it...
They can't afford the bill ya-da ya-da.
Blahblahblah.
I got SO angry.
Practically FUMING.
I looked in my depression book,
Yep, out of control rage etc. is part of it.
Yay for me, and everyone else who has it, aren't we lucky people?
I'd calm down for a few seconds,
Before another 'HOW COULD HE??' thought would anger me again.
Right then, I really could have done with a puncg bag.
Or my dad,
To shout at :)
I actually enjoy arguing xD
But only with my parents, or in drama (in secondary school)
Me and my best mate MJ (no not Michael Jackson...) would have arguments during improvised drama lessons, we'd turn into Chav's (such a stereotype not meaning to offend...) and be bitching about how the other 'like so totally stole my boyfriend!'
Was always hilarious, but we'd get in way too deep,
And be literally SCREAMING at each other xD
Ah the good ol' days.
Anyway,
I decided, I would go to Costa and use their free wi-fi ;)
Headed to town, scouted round some shops for a bit looking for things I needed, found nothing.
Then went to Costa for one ish, and stayed till about 3.
I ordered a Mango&Passionfruit Frescato (basically juice&ice)
I was really cold,
But not quite shivering, and if I'm going to suffer cold (because I know it's good for the metabolism) then i'm going to do it full on shivering. So it was pointless staying there, uncomfortably chilly, but not enough for any effective.
I finished what I was doing, and left.
I'm trying to find a good ED book to read,
And am going to buy one soon.
Wintergirls i've read, and it's FANTASTIC.
A must read, seriously.
And yes, it is about eating disorders...and is truly...amazing.
Anyway I came home, started writing a book randomly,
Then baked a cake.
I baked a cake.
A huge one.
Used up the rest of my Hot chocolate powder (no more temptation at last!)
Added Dark chocolate, and raisins.
My problem was,
I had to taste it to make sure I wasn't poisoning anyone who at it.
And i'm fasting.
Chew and spit method anyone?
A true life saver.
As I pretty much was triggered by the taste of the mixture, and wanted to binge.
The entire binge.
I spat out.
I swallowed nothing.
And didn't ruin my fast :D
Seeing all that food in the bin and bag.
There was so much,
I honestly don't know how I would have fitted that stuff in me in a real binge.
But somehow we manage it?
There was cereal, a tea cake, bread, quorn sausage, kitkats, choco cake mixture (and later on two slices of choco cake - I make damn good cake unfortuneately) basically an entire can of whipped cream, and god knows what else!
Thank good I ate,
None of it.
Anyway after I went up to my room,
Continued with that book,
Which I'm not sure where it's going haha.
It is a very pointless book I must say xD
And was kept busy for ages.
Was moody with my parents whenever they came to see me.
Got a soup broth at one point, then eventually dad put the internet back in :D
Was on it about 20 minutes,
Then along came JB in his car.
So I went out to see him for 45minutes, till about half 11 :)
Internet was off when I returned,
I did my nails, (had done one coat but they needed another)
Scribbled down some art work,
Wrote down things to do for tomorrow,
Had a brief argument with Emma about how much she hates JB.
That's resolved now,
Was stupid,
Pointless,
And resolved.
Then slept.
Today?
Woke up, 8:30am.
Went back to sleep.
Woke up 10:59am.
Got up.
Came on laptop,
And made myself - the only decent liquid in the entire house.
A banana milk.
About (150 calories)
Which is not too bad,
And means I don't go crazy over Calcium Deficiency.
I had hot chocolate on Wednesday, which was fatty.
Banana milk is SO much better.
And I think when fasting.
Milk every other day, is a good thing.
I want some protein,
But chew and spat quorn yesterday, so feels like I had some xD
But next week,
While mum and brother are constantly around, I have a food plan, high in protein, with no bad carbs, that should obviously allow them to see me eat, while keeping my metabolism high, and allowing me to lose weight.
The Plan;
Breakfast;
2 egg whites (28)
1 cinnamoned apple (100)
*I heard that having eggs with an apple, for every meal helps you lose weight, so I though i'd do it for one meal lol, and cinnamon is a metabolism booster, and egg gives me protein.
Lunch/Dinner (if I don't eat it all at lunch, the rest is for dinner);
Jalapena pepper lightly fried, mixed with boiled brocolli and green beans, and 2 quorn sausages (or the equivalent amount in other types of quorn) placed on a bed of spinach leaves.
*quorn = protein, all the other ingredients are proven metabolism boosters, and all negative calorie foods. The Jalapeno pepper should make the dish hot enough that I will only manage half, and have the rest a dinner, making 2 small sized meals.
There is no calcium in the fiet, so I will have a banana milk every other day :) The vitamin B (I think its B) in the banana powder helps aid calcium absorbtion.
I'm quite phsyked about my plan :)
I will add in exercise,
And end all exercise with a shower, that finished on cold for 30seconds :)
Yet another metabolism booster :)
And I will try to drink more water,
But I hate water :(
Anyway, I have a lot to do today;
Buy present and card for S for her party tonight
(by the way I don't know if I mentioned I may go in underwear, but I feel huge, and am now thinking corset and hotpants, with fishnets and heels... about said corset; tried it on, it had been perfectly fitting last december, when I was 126lbs EW. It was too loose last night, I put it on the TIGHTEST setting (its a size 8 corset) and it still has a baggy bit around the tummy :O ... it's tight on the boobs though xD, but proves that I have lost weight, I told Emma, she got worried, woops, I managed to persuade her, the scales haven't changed, and it's simply the sit ups i'm doing that has made my stomach tighter/flatter ;) oh yes, it worked :P)
Cranberry Juice I need to buy
Have to Babysit
Have things to find etc.
Might buy some arty things...
Anyway basically I need to pop to town, and be back by 2pm - I have 2 hours! Argh! lol.
Talk later :)
Stay strong
xox

Wednesday 26 May 2010

I have no excuse...

No real, decent excuse for not posting.
No insanely outrageous story,
Nothing elaborate to tell you why I have been slacking.
Just a simple,
Well,
I just haven't been.
I've been sunbatheing.
Sunburning [ouchie]
Thinking [a lot of Shit]
Watching Youtube [Ana documentaries]
Fasting [awfully; Fucking.Hot.Chocolates]
And,
Not much else.
Keeping busy [house chores 'Woo!' *saracasm*]
Mum is teaching all this week, she sometimes has days off, or days where she is supply teacher, but not this week, they are pushing her this week.
I feel bad for her, she asked me to do a few chores, to help her out. So that's what i'm doing. I know I hate my parents sometimes. But, deep down, I do still love them.
Besides,
Chores burn calories and keep me busy away from food.
To be honest,
Perfectly honest,
That's my main reason for doing them,
Not to help.
But to burn calories.
How pathetic.
I hoovered too, not for long, it's so tediously boring.
But it was punishment, for coming home late on Sunday - returned home from a cruise with JB at 10:30pm, not 10:00pm. Wow. It's like I committed a crime, I think, I think I should be arrested, and put in prison for a couple of years, not just made to hoover. I mean, hoovering, that's not severe enough for what I did. I was a whole half hour late. That ladies and gentlemen, deserves a criminal record.
Yes.
I'm in a sarcastic mood tonight,
Oh goody.
I can't remember if I posted about Sunday.
Lame.
Have I really slacked that much with posting? Fuck.
Hm.
I'll just check.
Yes I posted Sunday.
No, I didn't post Monday, or Tuesday, or today till now.
Slacker.
Fat.
Arsed.
Slacker.
Urgh :(
Well Monday,
Breakfast;
1 Wheatabix + milk (131)
2 egg whites (28)
Lunch;
Salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber) (30)
2 Quorn sausages (118)
Tai sweet chilli dip (15)
I did the washing up, and some hoovering (oh hell yeah) and then headed to town for 1:30pm. I met up with Emma :)
We went to Costa, to have a Frescato, they only had the indulgent options (caramel crunch, double chocolate and strawberry something-or-other [shortbread?]) ... erm. Maybe not.
Went to nero's.
Had mango and passionfruit 'iced drink'
They're shit. Just really cold juice, with ice. So watery. Like, more watery then juice. Wtf?
Emma insisted on paying as well, as I bought her Costa the other day, I feel bad. Like she wasted her money on what was frankly, a really shit beverage. Oh well.
We went to the park, and sat on a bench talking for agesssss.
I got sunburnt,
BAD.
It hurts so much. Just on shoulders and top of back. But real painful. I have to moisturize constantly. And I can tell you, it is NOT an easily reachable place!
Anyways, at 4pm we headed to Sainsbury's,
I had to buy J more birthday chocolate,
After eating the stuff I bought her on Saturday (fuck me and my stupid comfort eating binge)
She paid me £2.27 that night, to eat popcorn i'd spilt on the floor.
The chocolate cose me £2, in effect she paid for more chocolate. Ha.
Can't believe I ate that popcorn.
I = Fat Arse. Fatty fatty fat fat.
Anyway, we went to the bus shelter. And waited for Emma's bus. Arrived at 4:45pm instead of 4:30pm, oh well, I had bought Vogue with the Galaxy (milk+cookiecrumble), so we had that to read.
Then I headed of home,
Did nothing, sunbathed again, but covered up the burn.
Ate 9pm, gave in to hunger (I am always shit the day after bingeing - but atleast I didn't, well, binge)
Salad again (lettuce, tomato, cucumber) (30)
2 quorn sausages (118)
Tai sweet chilli dip (15)
I have just read back over my last post.
And;
I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
I'm SO STUPID.
SORRY.
But it will be a waste of my time if I delete it now.
I shall just move on to Tuesday,
Home alone, used the ab wheel thing again for 1/2 hour,
Didn't do much else,
Computer, Sunbathed, for an hour on my front, covering the sunburn. Burnt back of legs, went inside did a bit of art, sunbathed on my back, didn't burn. I used suncream - how clever of me. And I covered my face - this was actually clever, as it would normally burn so bad and I would be pink faced for days (BAD look)
At 4pm my Grandparents came over. They had locked themselves out of their house, which is well over an hour away. Gotten a bus somewhere else where a second car of theirs is stored. Then driven, another hour, to ours to pick up the spare key we have. Ha.
They then left, and I went to my room, onto my computer.
Well, by 9:30pm, I was in an awful state, and attempted to go to sleep.
Again, I had my ex on the brain. Well and truly. On.The.Brain.
Could not stop thinking of the memories,
The fact he had said he would take me Jet skiing in summer (and well, recently it would have been perfect weather for that)...
It was killing me, really was.
I even texted him; 'Are you free/able to text? X'
Unsurprisingly, he did not reply. But I was ready to say ;We need to talk.
And have that discussion we should have had months ago.
I need some answers,
Some conclusion,
Some input.
I need something,
And I need it now.
He is my drug, and I am having withdrawal symptoms, and I seriously want to relapse.
Love sucks without him.
I was drained last night.
My mood shrivelled.
JB could tell, and got worried, I said don't worry, he said 'but I do, it's hard not too :('
He's sweet.
But still.
I didn't fall asleep till 11:30pm. Damn early for me. But not good when I'd been trying to sleep for 2 hours.
Had some wierd dream of running round some large school, through classrooms, talking to school kids, getting lost...seeing a play and secretly running out because it was boring, etc. Was wierd, really wierd.
Don't know what it means.
Anyway,
Today.
Woke up quarter to eleven,
Watched tv. Had cranberry juice, went on computer.
Weather was shit.
And cold :(
I hate cold weather when fasting, i'm even colder.
Did 1/2 hour on ab wheel, plus 100 sit ups.
Gave in to hot chocolate, with whipped cream.
I tell myself, whipped cream, its light, 24cals a serving, and basically a whipped liquid. Not a solid.
Still. Fuck that, felt like I ate a solid.
And I felt FAT.
FAT.
And after the ab wheel,
SICK.
FAT AND SICK.
Ew.
I'm 106lbs.
There's a plus.
Hot chocolate has moved through system, I know that because hunger did hit me again eventually. And painfully. I was in the living room, parents had both eaten their dinners in front of me.
They didn't even question me not eating.
Wierd.
I think it's because they saw me eat Fuck loads sunday and monday.
Ew.
Anyway, I came upstairs with a soup broth at 8ish.
Then Half ten.
JB texted;
'Come outside for a hug and kiss'
Awwwwwwwwww, that made me smile :)
So I did, we sat in his car for 1/2 hour...
Just talked mainly :)
I did however, admit I had depression and he barely noticed.
Though, the conversation was literally him asking if I was better then yesterday, me saying yes, him saying good I don't like you being down, and me saying to be honest, I can't help it, I pretty much have depression. And well I think his mind was elsewhere.
Sometimes, men are so frustrating.
But whatever.
He'll either twig I said it.
Or i'll admit it to him again.
One day. He'll realise I have depression. That's the most serious thing i'll tell him about me. (hahaha, the Ed always remains a secret!)
As it will help him understand my mood swings.
Anywhoo.
Was real sweet seeing him, then I came back inside, on the computer.
Did I mention how Emma got worse after drinking alcohol, and those months to live, are now a simple 'it could happen whenever'.
Hm.
Must live every moment to it's fullest.
Also,
J said 'You ate all my chocolate, you Fat Pig :'('
Emma said 'Don't comfort eat you'll get fat[ter]'
And my dad said (when I was in a bikini at 105lbs) 'she's alright Mum, [why do dads always call mums, mum. and vice versa?] you can't see her ribs.'
SO in conclusion, i'm fat. And getting no where fast enough.
If he saw me stretch, and saw the amount of ribs you can actually see.
He'd flip.
Urgh.
Well whatever, they're the best motivation i've had for days.
A mate of mine i've known for years, said I was looking skinny in photos.
Yet more motivation.
Thank you people.
Anyways, i'm off to sleep, my neck is in pain from the angle i'm sitting at :(
Night all,
Stay strong
xox
BTW.
I plan to lose a stone in the next 3 weeks.
Wish me luck,
I've made a plan,
I'll tell ya'll tomorrow - gives me reason to MAKE SURE I POST.

Monday 24 May 2010

I'm still alive.

I'm so sorry I haven't posted for two days.
I feel inadequate.
But atleast there is going to be plenty for you to read and catch up on.
It is eventful I promise.
But, however, I shall try keep it short,
No one wants to read my waffle now do they?
Saturday;
Went to town, had to buy pressies for J, I decided on an 18th birthday photo album by Me to You bears, and a matching card :) I also bought her Galaxy chocolate - smooth&cookie crumble, as they are her favourite.
Returned home, and sunbathed, for an hour :)
Before then getting ready for the night,
I wore a black boobtube style dress, patterned black tights, and black ankle boots (5inch heel),
Felt...good,
Looked a bit podgy though,
Why won't that stomach go away?
Can't remember what I ate before the party.
Got to J's,
Emma was there,
Later, A arrived,
But R was no where to be seen.
Emma and I waited for R,
While J's mum took her and A to Frankies (the restaurant)
J's mum's partner and son, waited with Emma and I,
R turned up,
We all went to Frankies,
J's grandparents, and two other friends i'd never met, B and C, were there too.
We sat down and chose a drink (diet coke)
Then our meal.
Emma said 'don't be boring and choose salad'
So I didn't, just for her.
I chose a veggie burger.
It arrived, with chips,
Hm.
I had a chip,
And spent ages wondering how to eat the burger.
I had two small bites,
Then decided, no.
No bun.
Removed it, and concentrated on the actual vegetable burger, as it's mainly veg.
I had a few more chips too,
Ate about 3/4 of the burger, along with the lettuce, onion and gherkins inside the bun.
Then finished, with what looked like most of my meal, still on my plate xD
Didn't have pudding either :)
Then we went bowling, was absolutely hilarious, I wasn't that bad actually :), I came 3rd in the first game ha. And 2nd (almost 1st, but C overtook me by 2 points on her last bowl!) on the 2nd game. We had a little dance we did when we got a spare or a strike, and by the end were laughing, dancing, singing to the music and going CRAZY.
The car journey back to J's was hilarious xD
I was putting on a man voice. It was so deep xD. And joking about all this stuff, ended up shouting at random people going '20p?? 20p?? I'll pay you 20p!' As in insinuating I would pay them 20p for sex >_<. Oh I am too cool ;)
I actually waved crazily at who I thought was a random stranger, only to realise (after doing it) that I had hysterically waved at JB's older brother xD
Back at J's, C & B had gone home, there was J, Emma, Me, R and A. J's grandparents went home, and J's mum stayed at her partners (obviously with his son too lol).
Within 10 mins, S arrived :)
So was just us girlies, we got SO drunk, I remember most of it;
Dancing, laughing, going on the trampoline, running down the stairs, falling down the last few steps and pretending to be passed out xD till Emma found me and gave me back my phone - which she took, and is the reason why I ran down the stairs.
I also remember,
Making out with Emma.
Er, I'm not Bi-sexual, or Lesbian (have NOTHING against them, don't want to offend!), so that was,
Wierd.
But yeah, alcohol does ALOT to you.
I also remember,
Emma passing out in the bathroom,
J said to me 'she's been in there a while hasn't she?'
She had a blackout.
Because of her heart disease.
She almost died.
Took 1/2 hour to wake her up.
Then J ended up depressed and all, it's just you 2 now, not me. (because she realised I knew what was wrong with Emma and she still has no clue)
Emma sorted her out,
While I went crazy, I was going to walk home, grabbed my alcohol, put it in my back, and Emma appeared, she wanted a word.
We ended up talking about things etc.
J was upstairs asleep, S and R fell asleep, A already was asleep in the living room.
Emma and I ended up talking for the whole night.
Meanwhile I was bingeing the whole time,
I got upset,
And I comfort eat if I am drunk.
She knew something else was up - not just the heart issue.
I admitted I could not stop thinking about my ex.
He is on my mind,
Even when i'm with JB.
And it won't go away.
I cried a lot.
De-ja-vu to another party a while back, where I cried for 2 hours over him.
Then at 7am my mum picked me up, I had demanded to go home.
I ate pasta when I got home,
Slept till 10am, got up, went back to bed.
Finished off the pasta.
The sunday (early morning), I had binged on crisps, pasta, chocolate (that I had bought for J, woops) and popcorn.
I felt so huge.
But couldn't stop comfort eating,
I stayed in bed,
Then later sunbathed.
Then went out with JB; went for a drive, then went to a golf course, sat on the grass, and admired the sunset,
Was rather romantic and sweet actually,
We kissed, and had a laugh,
After I had been fairly quiet.
Came home for 10.30pm (although curfew was 10pm :/)
And ate more.
Why the fuck did I do that?
Who knows :(
Today was better though,
I'm upping protein and exercise this week,
Up at 10.30am;
Hoovered (punishment for being late home last night)
Washed up,
Fed rabbits,
Breakfast - 1 wheatabix + milk (131) 2 egg whites (28)
Met up with Emma at 1:30pm, went to get a frescato at costa - they were only doing the indulgent ones today, no fruit ones :O, so we went to Nero's and got one there, they aren't the same though, all watery and...shit.
Went to the park, sat there till 4pm talking, I got sunburnt :(
Went to Sainsbury's, bought Vogue :D and more chocolate for J to replace what I ate :/
Then waited for Emma's bus, which was late - turned up at 4:45pm, not 4:30pm.
Got home, put rabbits in run, got into bikini and sunbathed,
Mum came home, and she put a towel over my sunburn so I tanned everywhere else without worsening it :/
Then I came inside on here, and been on here since!
Sunburn hurts so bad :(
Aftersun is useless!!
Oh and I had lunch - lettuce, tomato, cucumber (30) tai sweet chilli sauce (15) 2 quorn sausages (118)
And after breakfast this morning, I used one of those Ab wheel things you stand on and move left/right on, for half an hour :)
Add in all todays walking, and I haven't done too bad,
Could be better, but i'm exhausted still.
Didn't sleep well last night, kept waking up because i'd (TMI) thrown up in my mouth :(
Disgusting I know, and a sure sign i'd EATEN TOO MUCH.
Well DUH.
Urgh :(
Weighed myself today, with food weight, water weight, and pjs, after breakfast. 107 1/2lbs.
I am only 2 1/2lbs heavier,
I mean, I hate that i'm heavier, but seriously, I was expecting to be 112lbs MINIMUM. Seeing as that is how heavy I feel :(
So in a wierd way, thats a plus.
Anyway, now you are caught up with the times, I'll stop ranting, I said I would keep this short, and really rather failed at that, sorry :P
Stay strong
xox

Friday 21 May 2010

Positivity and happiness fading rapidly...

I don't know why,
But tonight,
Is not my night.

Thinking of my ex,
Wanting to talk to him.
Won't reply on facebook.
Went offline after saying hi on msn.
Tried texting him last night.
He relpied.
In his second text said,
By the way,
Who is this?
Clearly he had deleted my number.

I think that truly means,
He wants me gone,
To him,
I'm nothing.
I'm out is life.

Forever.

And ever.

He is always in mine,
I almost cried,
Again,
At a photo of him.

I fucked up our relationship.
Drunk,
At his mums wedding,
Ruined.
Everything.
She doesn't mind,
She sent me home so I could sober up,
The adults understood.

He
Did
Not.

End of.
Over.
Bam.

Days later, wanted to talk (when he returned from holiday)
Wanted things to work.
Saw me,
Used me.

Since then,
Been used 2, 3 times?
Why do I go back?
I love him :(

I hate that I love him.

"But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do,
So that I can't stay mad at you,
For too long,
That's wrong.

...

And I hate how much I love you boy,
I can't stand how much I need you,
and I hate how much I love you boy,
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so..."

-Rihanna ft. Ne-yo

Fits perfectly...

I can't stand this :(
I want to cry.

Saw a card on the breakfast bar in the kitchen,
A new, unwritten card.
About sympathising over losing someone.

If it's for me.
About Emma.
I'm going to cry so fucking hard.

No one else is losing anyone.
So it must be for me.

I can't live without her,
Yesterday was a happy day,
I think we were both trying to put behind the realism of the situation,
And be positive,
Instead of mulling over what we knew.

It's...
So depressing.

I'm not sure how I feel about JB,
He didn't text all day.
I said 'sup'
(normally we add loveyou, but as a conversation starter, I couldn't be bothered)
Anyway, he said sup back,
I asked how he was +loveyouxxx
Didn't get that back, just 2 x's.
Thought, wtf?
Oh and he had 'a cheeky question'
'Oh yes?'
Could he buy my vodka off me.

HA.
Fuck off.
That's mine for tomorrow.
No love you?
No vodka.
He asked if i'd give it to him.
Free?
Nah-uh.
No way.

I said he seemed off,
He said how,
I said no love you?
So he put;
I'm sorrry I kept realising I wasn't putting it after sending the text, I lovvveeeeyoouuuuloooaddsssss ;)

He was making up for it apparently.

The 'I'
Scares the SHIT out of me.
Since my ex.
I can't take that crap.
Or trust anyone who says it.

My parents told my brother about Emma.
He was like,
I'm so sorry,
I love you,
I'm your big brother,
You can talk to me.
I was like ok.
Great.
Mum and Dad are telling the world now are they?
I knew mum had put him up to something,
When he said;
I know things are hard, but please...

Don't starve yourself.

Oh fuck off.
Just because I eat bare minimum and have control.

Today;
Yoghurt (120)
2 Egg whites (28)
Cinammoned Apple (100)
Mint (15)

Haven't eaten since the mint at 4ish.
Its 10:40pm.
Fuck Dinner. xD

So yeah,
Just because I have control.

He was like,
Atleast eat something so you live.

Wtf.
I AM eating something.

He has been at uni all week.
So he doesn't know what the hell happens around here.

Hence how I know mum put him up to something.

Note to self?
Trust no one.

Except Emma.
I can trust her.
She can't trust me,
Well, she shouldn't.
I don't think anyone should.

I'm mental.
Derranged.
Depressed.
Stupid.
Not trustworthy.
Well.
I like to think I can be trusted.
But not when like this.
I'm more likely to turn wack-o when i'm like this.

I should just,
Go curl up.
Go crazy.
Or go die?

But I can't die.
No, not while Emma is arround.

And besides.
I do have a future to look forward to.

Note to self;
I have a future to look forward to. Things will get better.

I have this image in my mind,
Of me walking about,
Feeling like i'm light and floating,
With colourful swirls around me,
Wooshing me around,
Spinning me on the spot,
Like my life,
Whirling around me,
In the hectic spiral it is creating,
The mess it is becoming.

Out of control.
Everything is out of control.

Except for my food control.
That,
I have got...
In control.

JB can't text now.
He is fun to text when drunk.
But has low battery.

Who doesn't charge their phone before heading out?

I feel so lonely.
Alone,
And lonely.

Goodnight,
Stay strong
xox

I'm SO HUGE.

I don't know if it was the hot chocolate yesterday,
Or the yoghurt for breakfast (120)
But I am DEFINATELY bloated today.
And I HATE IT.

Argh,
I feel SO HUGE.
I'm 105lbs OF PURE FAT.

I'm thinking of setting a new goal.
After 98lbs.

I MIGHT head for 90lbs.

That 8lbs just seems like extra weight I DON'T need.

I hate this,
Thinking the goal weight will be so much thinner,
Getting close to it,
And realising,
It probably won't be acceptable enough.

But I want to tone up more too...
And well...
Muscle weighs more then fat :(

So that's an on going issue/debate in my head.

ARGH.

Dammit :(

Oh well's,
The weather was lush today!
All sun,
No clouds,
Warm air,
No humidity,
No cold breeze.

PURE LUSH.


I braved shorts.
FELT HUGE
But I atleast I wasn't sweating like a pig.

Pah.

Stay strong
xox

Thursday 20 May 2010

Happy?? How??

I don't know!
But I am!
I'm thinking positive!
Yay!

I love Emma xD
In a friend way.
But still,
I loves her xD

Life IS great.
Truly is.

Even after the hot chocolate (well, half of)

I still feel,
GOOD.

Because i'm finally getting somewhere!

Fattest part of arms; 10 inches
GOAL; 8 inches

Fattest part of thighs; 19 3/4 inches
GOAL; 18inches

That's all I measured lol,
Random I know,
But a friend and I were comparing those two parts,
So thought i'd note down the sizes xD

Because?
I'm cool ;)

Hhehehe
I'm HYPER
And,
Well,
Crazy!

And you followers,
Have never experienced this in me xD
Especially not after what has been happening.
And my moody self.
Hahah xD
This makes a GREAT change.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat ;)
Like Frosty the Tiger!! Hahha xD

Anyways,
Before I scare you xD
I'll be off :P

Just want to say,
There is always a way out of depression.
Just look for it.
Tell yourself to stay positive.

Well, for now that has worked for me,
Till times get tough,
BE HAPPY :D

Stay strong !!
xox

Treat failure xD

Thought
"I know! I'll treat myself, i've been doing great after all. I need calcium, and that light whipped cream looks tasty...If I don't have anything to eat this evening, I can have the calorie allowance for a hot chocolate"

OK well I made it, and the calories would have equalled, 250. I estimate. The whipped cream was 24cals a serving and I swear I put like 3 servings on it.
What the fuck?
The milk + cocoa powder = 180cals? Actually. Milk 98cals. Cocoa powder about 70. So 168cals.
168 + 72 = 240calories.
Ok a 240calorie Hot chocolate.

I though,
I shall enjoy this.

Well, half way through,
I felt sick.
Thought,
"this isn't worth it"
And tipped it away.
I had half the cream, half the hot chocolate.

So 120calories.

Could have been worse.
Could have been all of it.
Thank you taste buds,
For FINALLY realising,
Hot chocolate isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It's wierd, when I was bingeing after the first fast, before the second...
I was OBSESSED with hot chocolate.
Hence banning it for the second fast.
Such a good idea.
I've weened myself off it.

And officially don't have a liking for it!
Yay me!
Cranberry juice is better!

Haha xD

I feel fat now.
Thank you half hot chocolate.

Todays calories?

Apple (100)
Half hot choc (140)

Total (240)

I don't normally count drinks.
But fuck it.
It's a fatty hot chocolate.

Of course i'm bloody well counting those calories!

Summer just is NOT hot chocolate time.
YAY :D

Peace out

Stay strong
xox

Where is this happiness coming from?

I truly feel,
Bizzarre.
If that's how you spell it,
I can never tell,
One 'r'? One 'z'?
One or two?
Or two of both?
One of one, two of the other?
Who knows...
Actually;
Who cares?
I'm in a good mood.
I'm thinking positive.
Thinking of now.
Living in the now.
I'm going to pray for Emma each night,
I'm not religious,
Have never prayed before...
Except on the odd occasion when I was younger,
And wished for stupid things;
Like a pony.
That miracle never happened though,
We're not rich enough.
Oh well,
I don't mind,
Money doesn't matter,
And can't buy happiness...
Though it sure does help...xD
ANYWAY
Miracles can happen,
The human brain and heart,
Are pieces of wonder.
True masterpieces.
Studies have shown that buy simply knowing somone is praying for you,
Thinking of you,
Wishing for you,
Etc.
People can pull through anything.
A woman in America survived something uncurable,
And she believes it's through the hope, and strength she got,
Through knowing someone she didn't know in Australia,
Was praying for her.
(the studies didn't introduce the people, but let them know it was happening)
Maybe it's the placebeau affect?
You think it is happening, and know it,
Therefore you Believe it,
And Feel it.
And Miracles happen.
I've told Emma i'm praying for her,
Told her to hope,
Believe,
Be strong,
And life life to the full,
Because that's what teenagers do best,
Not because there isn't much left.
I want to give her hope,
And create a miracle.
Unrealistic I know,
But it gives me peace of mind that i'm trying.
-----
Breakfast - Cinammoned Apple - all of it (100)
Had nothing since (that was at 9am, it's now 6:47pm)
Felt faint all day,
But I don't mind,
I like the euphoria I get from it,
And head rushes are fun xD
Went to Costa with Emma,
Had a mango&passionfruit Frescato,
No idea on the calories,
But i'm not fussed,
It's only juice whizzed with ice.
So nothing more then a drink,
And I don't care for those calories.
At the moment...
Was great fun,
We chatted about crazy things,
Had a laugh.
Took our mind off things.
I loved it,
I then took the long route home,
Which I powerwalked to music,
The weather is lovely,
For England,
Hot,
Sunny,
Blue skies.
I loved walking,
Feeling the warm breeze <>
I can sense summer is going to be amazing,
And I can't wait,
I'm so happy,
It's unreal.
Stay strong
xox

Wednesday 19 May 2010

Strength is an impossibility (almost)

With everything,
But food,
And the desire to be thin,
Thinner,
The thinnest.
My strength is slowly,
Evaporating.

I can't cope with this.
I can't.
I can't.
Fuck it.
I can't.

:'(

Hence the short posts,
Shorter,
And shorter.
Well, ok,
They look long.
But do they take long to read?
No.
They are short.
Short posts.

I am thinking in short sentences,
Feeling emotions in short bursts.

Emma is dying,
Emma hates JB,
He's done nothing wrong.
I'm confused.
I text differently when with him,
Apparently.
She gives me grief,
And she knows it.
She hates it.
I hate it.

Really hate it.

My ex.
I still love.
So bad.
And now i'm trying to move on.
She is stopping me,
I'm stuck,
Don't know what to do.

I saw a picture,
Of my ex,
A few minutes ago.
Brought tears to my eyes.
I thought of him,
When with JB.

It seems,
When shit happens.
And it does,
I think of the worst times,
In my life.
My ex,
Becoming an ex.
Was one of those times.

I can't stop,
Can't stop thinking,
Of those memories.

I want out.
Really,
Want out.
But I can't.
I couldn't.
Couldn't do that to Emma.

Or anyone.

Must remember,
Things are worth fighting for.

Thin.
Is.
Worth.
Fighting.
For.

I will get thinner.

JB didn't notice.
At all.
Several lbs down.
And no comment.

What a dumb ass.
No.
Wrong.

I just haven't lost enough.
Well.
Fuck him then.

I'm going to lose more anyway.
Even if it pushes him away.
Or anyone away.
Fuck it.
I don't care.

7lbs from my goal.
I'm not stopping now.

I'm so numb,
Yet.
Exploding with emotion.

I hate this.

Stay strong
xox

Well...

Blurted out to mum about Emma,
So she knows,
She told dad,
He knows too.
They tried to talk to me,
I'd only known about it myself,
For a few hours.
And they were already trying to get me to scrape together an idea of how I was feeling, what was going to happen, what I would do.
Etc.
As if I know.
I'm numb.
I can't tell a thing.
Texted JB in desperation.
I want out of the house.
Please.
He came and picked me up in his car,
Was fairly quiet for the first,
I don't know.
45 minutes?
I was thinking, couldn't stop thinking.
And there wasn't much to say.
Well there was.
Just couldn't start a good conversation.
Eventually,
I brightened up,
Took a while though.
Ended up having a laugh,
Etc...*smooch-smooch*
Took my mind of things,
Hardy-ha.
Had half a boiled sweet;
He insisted.
Pineapple flavour (15)
Home now.
Thinking again.
Having some strawberries (20)
While I think.
Todays total,
Now theres something to do.
Um.
50 + 118 = 168
168 +(15+20) = 203
203 calories.
Sounds a bit,
High.
Higher then yesterday.
Which was what?
62calories?
Metabolism booster,
That's what today is.
Lower again tomorrow?
Yes please.
Hospital tomorrow night.
With Emma.
I'm so numb.
So numb.
Numb.
...
Stay strong
xox

Numb.

Had lunch - ish.
Was 2pm,
Count as lunch?
I don't know.
Was really hungry.
I don't eat lunch normally.

Had,
2 Quorn sausages (118)

That's it,
Finally, Protein in my body.
Yay.


So,
Emma came over.
Wanted a hug,
And a chat.

Found out,
Alot.

She won't have surgery,
The results are temporary.
Not sure if she'll take the medicine.
She forgets.
And feels worse after.
She's got,
What...
I don't know,
A few months?

To live.

Then,
Well,
I don't want to think about it.
Really don't.

We're living in the now.

But I feel,
Numb.

And I want,
The guy,
Who I'm going to call JB,
Because i'm fed up,
Fed up of calling him,
That guy i'm seeing.

I want a hug,
From JB.
That won't ever end.
In a few months,
If a few months is really all she has.
I'm going to need his hug,
More then ever.

I've no more to say.
I'm Numb.
No appetite.
Yay.
Can't even be happy about that.

Any chance of me truly sorting out life,
And leaving depression behind,
Will be out the window,
In...
A few months time.

So I shall relish,
Relish in my happiness.
And weightloss.
Those lbs going down.
They make me happy.
Emma,
She makes me smile.
JB,
He makes me feel safe.

I'm surrounded by the best.

I shall not cry.
That's weakness.
Emma needs strength.
I'm numb.
But shall be happy.

Stay strong
xox

Peace and Quiet

I stayed home today, only had 2 lessons for college anyway, and well, i'm so unbelievably paranoid about peeing blood in college that i'm too scared to go.
Tomorrow is a full day of college though.
And it's important I go in,
Bleugh : (

Being home alone gave me a chance to work out some calories!
I went through all the breakfast cereal,
Seeing how much of each, was what,
Keeping the total (with milk) as near 100cals as possible (or under)
Unless of course, the amount of cereal was ludicriously small,
Then I went a little of 100cals.

I didn't eat any of this by the way,
At the start I had a craving for one of the cereals,
By the end I opted for something much yummier.
I'll tell you about that in a second ;)

100ml Uht Semi-skimmed milk = 49 calories

25g of Sainsburies Fruit Crunch = 50 calories (approx 1/2 handful) + milk = 99calories
1 Wheatabix = 83 calories + milk = 131calories
15g of Start Cereal = 56.6calories (approx. 1 handful) + milk = 105.6calories
12.5g Raisin Wheats (6 Raisin Wheats) = 40calories + milk = 89calories
10g Rice Krispies = 38.3calories (approx. 1 handful) + milk = 87.3calories

The Raisin Wheats are pointless, 6 of them for 40calories?? Who would even bother? One Wheatabix seems like a lot of calories - 83 - I would have estimated it lower, BUT it is very filling, The fruit crunch is a pathetic amount (1/2 handful) for 50calories. The Start cereal, was actually a decent amount, and only a little bit over 100calories (105.6). But the same size portion (1 handful) of Rice Krispies, was only 87.3calories, and also weighed less (thanks to their light fluffiness :P)
Overall, Rice Krispies or Start Cereal are the better option.

HOWEVER, after all this weighing out, and having the food there, I decided against it,
I knew it would be a binge trigger, and although I need some calcium (not had it in 8 days), the craving really just...
Evaporated.

So I remembered a comment on a post on PT.
About cinammon apple, and thought i'd try it out.
It.
Is.
Pure.
Heaven.
Like an apple pie, but better!

However, they used ground cinammon, which is simple;
Cut up one Apple,
Sprinkle on cinammon,
Zap it in the microwave for a minute and a half,
Hey presto, Cinammoned apple.

I had Cinammon sticks!
So, here's how I did it, for anyone else confused by the cinammon stick;
Chopped of 1cm of cinammon stick,
Crushed it into small pieces,
Got a shallow plate,
Put approx. 1cm of cold water on it, so it didn't overflow,
But just settled on the plate,
Sprinkled on the cinammon,
Cut one apple,
Into quarters, de-cored it,
And cut it again,
So I had 8 pieces.
(obviously you can cut the apple to your requirements lol)
Placed the pieces on their sides in the water,
(so apple touched the water, not just apple skin)
Placed in microwave,
Heated on full (900watts)
For 1 1/2 minutes,
It came out soft, with a hint of cinammon,
Like stewed apple,
Or apple pie.
But better,
Healthier,
Without the sugar.

And drank between each bite,
Again,
Half the apple was enough for me,
So this DELICIOUS treat.
Was 50 calories.
As nothing in water,
And nothing worth counting in the cinammon.

Seriously,
Someone,
TRY IT.

'Secret' Shared ;)

Stay strong
xox

Tuesday 18 May 2010

Strawberries!

And a mug of cranberry juice,
Looks delicious I must say.
And tastes it :)

I believe; 1 Strawberry = 2cals

I have 6 = 12cals

Omnomnom :)

Hunger was hurting, so i'm calming it down :)

I'm back to my good ways,
The ways where weight loss was easy,
And my appetite was controlled.
I eat slow.
In small bites.
And only when,
Painfully hungry.
With a sip between each bite.
And no more then a fistful of food.
A little bit like the 5 bite diet,
As it's very portion size restricting,
Unlike just restricting cals,
Where you can eat ALOT
For minimal calories.
(salad etc.)

Anyways,
Weightloss should still continue,
I hope...
That 1/2 apple made me feel fat though.

On a plus side,
The guy i'm seeing returned from Germany today :)
When I see him, I wonder if he'll notice,
If he'll notice the weightloss?

In a good way,
I hope so.

Stay strong
xox

Araglarghh.

Mum said I don't look well,
I think my temp is slowly rising.

I feel faint/get a head rush everytime I stand.
(But i'm sure that is thanks to fasting)

And my lower back aches,
But maybe i'm sitting at an odd angle?

I don't know.
I don't want to get too paranoid.
Or it'll create the placebeau effect.
Where you believe something so much.
It happens.

Some people were given vitamin tablets,
And told they were tablets to increase pain threshold.
They could keep their hands in ice water for atleast 5 minutes longer,
Then when they had done it without the 'drug'.

Apparently works for weightloss too.
You believe you are losing,
And actually do.

The placebeau effect.
I'd rather not make myself iller then I am.

I have a slight headache
Maybe that's because i've been on the laptop too long?

I don't even know.

:(
I hate being ill.
Don't want to eat though,
Not hungry.
Not being forced because i'm ill.

Bonus :)
Blog over ;)

Stay strong
xox

PT is down for 2 days :(

So this blog is all I have,

And i'm scared.
I pee'd blood again.
A girl in my class has the same symptoms,
And it's either kidney infection or kidney stones.
But i'm worrying about the STI possibility.
Mum doesn't know i've had sex.
I could never tell her!
I mean yeah i'm 17, it ain't such a bad thing.
But it's my mum.
I don't tell her those things!

Anyway, the girl in tutor,
She's very nice,
Said go to the doctors,
And was surprised it could be an STI,
And doubts that.
So I should go.
But no one is home.
I'm alone.
In a bit of pain,
Very faint.
And worried.
Last time she had it though.
She didn't realise what it was.
And it got quite bad...
She also lost a lot of weight because of it.
All i've done is fast.
Ha.
But what if I could lose more weight?
Not worth risking my kidneys over though.

Talk about fasting.
I made it 7 days.
If I fasted till Thursday.
Saturday would be a disaster.
I'd binge like crazy.
Or i'd put on loads of weight,
As my body would absorb...
EVERYTHING.
So i'm introducing food already.

Breakfast;
Half an Apple (50)

Yup, that's me introducing food.
Fuck it, I was full after just that.
Cut it in half,
Quarters,
De-cored it.
Cut it into...
Eighths.
Bit half of one,
Chomp, chomp.
Slurp of cranberry juice.
Next 16th.
Chomp chomp.
Slurp cranberry juice,
Stomach full after eating half.

Nice one :)

I'm not complaining.
The less I can manage,
The better.

Might eat something for dinner.
Might not.
Mum knows I don't feel well,
So won't force anything on me.

Which is good.

Blog over, for now.
Without PT,
I can imagine...
I will blog so much more,

Stay strong
xox

Monday 17 May 2010

Just thinking

About my food plan, after my fast.
I'm a little worried i'll binge, I did after 7 days, and this will be 10...
The idea of another 3500+calorie binge scares me.
Especially as it happened last time because I went out on the saturday (fast finished on a Thursday) and was around restaurants and food etc.
I finish this fast Thursday, and am out again Saturday for a friend's birthday, we are out for a meal that evening, and drinking after.
I'm thinking salad, and hard liquor that won't take much to get me anywhere.
But i'll only have 1 day to actually adapt to eating, and control binge urges, which i'm worried isn't enough.
I'm debating making it a 7 day fast, and starting to eat again tomorrow. Only fruit, vegetables, salad and maybe protein (quorn or egg whites), and keeping low cal, maybe even just a bowl of soup, of a yoghurt. But something solid, to reintroduce food inside me, and prepare myself for the binge cravings.
Because I know they will happen.
I will eat.
My stomach will feel the satisfaction of food.
My body will cry for calcium (haven't had that in 7 days)
And chocolate etc. will be my craving.
After sweet things,
I always crave carbs.
So bring on the chips, crisps, bread etc.
Then to something cold,
Then something hot.
Something like cereal,
Then fruit,
Then back to sweet, cake...chocolate.
It's a never ending cycle, until bedtime.
I can't cope with that happening.
If I slowly introduce food tomorrow, maybe soup for the next 3 days of the fast? Broth, and normal, even cream soups...
Or eat half the meal my Mum cooks for me tomorrow,
Then have protein for breakfast, (2 egg whites - 28 cal)
Yoghurt for lunch (under100)
And again, half dinner.
Thursday, technically last day of fast,
Have fruit for breakfast, no lunch, and protein for dinner, with salad/veg.
Friday, stay low calorie,
I don't know, i'm just thinking maybe then I can control myself saturday easier.
God I just realised i'm such a moody cow when i'm fasting. I actually hate dealing with people when I'm like this xD
I thought up a weekly diet plan, tuesdays, thursdays and sundays are protein days, wednesdays and saturdays are calcium days, and carbs are allowed on sunday (family meal bound to contain them) the cals go; less then 200,300,400,300,200,300, and unknown on Sunday (fam.meal)
I also thought of these other ideas;
Eat only Breakfast
Eat only Dinner
5 Bite diet - 5 bites cereal breakfast, 5 bites mars bar lunch, 5 bites dinner
2 egg white breakfast and 1/2 dinner
Or simply, just whatever i'm forced to eat. I feed myself nothing, and when given food, I eat what I can.
I'm not sure at all how to go about this.
PT post is required I think xD
Stay strong
xox

Dinner in my room...

Mum brought dinner up to my room,
Makes me happy.
I can throw it without her knowing.
So now that's where it is - in my bin.
It smelt lush, I bet my bin loves it xD
Lettuce (10)
Cherry Tomatoes (20)
Quiche (120)
Coleslaw (50)
Potato salad (80)
Cucumber (5)
Raw Pepper (5)
3 half potatoes topped with cheese (200cals each - was more cheese then potato. was dripping in grease!)
Garlic dip thing (40)
These are my estimates, and are the cals I believe those foods would have been,
That dinner would have totalled (in my mind) 930 calories.
Now that is ridiculous.
I can make much better meals for under 150cals. Or even, under 100cals.
I mean, ok I may have overestimated the potato things, but I prefer to over estimate, instead of under estimate. Then I know i'm on the safe side of things...
If i'd been made to eat that downstairs, infront of them, I would have had a panic attack, that grease would have entered my arteries and clogged my heart immediately. Just smelling it made me feel fatter...it smelt so lushious, so delicious, so tempting. But my sense of smell is heightened when fasting, so I knew it was a lie. And besides, if it tastes good, it's trying to kill you.
My parents have never realised the possibility of me throwing my food away, and think I have eaten my meal when they see the clean plate being brought downstairs. They're so gullable, and I'm glad, makes them less suspicious, and makes fasting a hell of a lot easier.
I'm contemplating making this a 7 day fast, today being the last day.
BUT only if things get tougher to hide.
After having dinner brought up to me, seems like things may be getting easier.
So 10 days should still be possible.
YAY
Stay strong
xox

Happy Happy Happy!

7stone 7lbs = 105lbs.
I'm.
105.
lbs.
Fuck. YES!
I can't believe it,
My BMI is 18.6
104lbs, will take my BMI to 18.42
ONE MORE POUND
AND MY BMI IS UNDERWEIGHT!
My goal weight, 98lbs, takes my BMI to 17.36
A BMI of 18.5 and under, is underweight,
A BMI of 17.5 and under, is Anorexic.
I'm 7lbs away from a doctor diagnosing me as anorexic.
Not EDNOS.
I hate that EDNOS label.
Just because I have periods, and am not techinically low enough in weight,
I can't possibly be Anorexic.
Not that i've been diagnosed.
I did that myself,
Like most others on PT, we refuse to go near the doctors,
And instead realise our symptoms through research,
And hearing what other people have to say,
And have slowly come to the realisation,
We are no different,
Our once happy lives, of simple dieting,
Has spiralled out of control,
Yet we are happy,
As long as the scales say less each day.
I'm lighter then the recovered Anorexic, who normally averages 110lbs,
The other day she said she was 8stone - 112lbs
And today, she said she felt fat, because she'd put on another lb - 113lbs.
It's funny how I remember these things xD
I feel great being under her weight, and i'm happy she has recovered.
A boy in our class, has the fastest metabolism ever known to man, I swear.
He eats whole packets of biscuits, cheese and ham sandwiches wtih extra thick white bread, 4 or 5 chocolate bars, crisps, and whatever else is in his lunchbox. JUST FOR LUNCH.
He is taller then me by a little bit - i'd say, 5ft6? And weighs 7 stone4lbs.
HE WEIGHS 102lbs!
He is skinnier then me :(
I want his metabolism,
So I could eat all day, leave Ana behind, and be naturally ultra skinny.
That would be heaven.
But one day, his metabolism will slow down, and then he'll get bigger...
I'd want his CURRENT metabolism FOR LIFE!
But i'm not like that, I have a shit metabolism, which is only good enough to keep me at a 'healthy/normal/average' [FAT] weight, of 112-119lbs. Sometimes 126lbs in winter. Seriously, I do NOT want to have fluctuating weight between 112 and 126lbs. That's a whole fucking stone of weight.
I hated that person. And now, i'm 7lbs under that.
And I will ALWAYS be under that from NOW on.
There is NO going back.
Many of us end up stuck in binge cycles,
I refuse to be one of them.
The effort and risks i've taken to get this far, would be pointless, and I don't want all this progress to go flying out the window because I can't keep my hand of a chocolate bar.
Anyway to make this post interesting, I thought I would use my webcam to photograph some of my things in my thinspo book,
They're a bit rubbish, but I like them :)
I drew the first one on the way to Spain the other month, my mind was thinking about whether I wanted to look cute, adorable and fragile, or if I wanted to be some cute chubby kid, I'm not sure why I drew babies to represent that... But one is eating sweets, hotcross buns, pringles etc. And the other is eating and apple and banana, and the little one looks cuter. Proving the point skinny is better. This drawing isn't great, to all of 10minutes lol. I do have better art work xD my thinspo book just doesn't contain them xD
One day i'll post some really good art that i've actually put effort into drawing :P
The second is just a random phrase I came up with, and I really like the meaning of it :)

The third one; on the left is a small out line of someone vanishing into thin air *poof*, this image I drew because I felt like disappearing, but as the Answer says, there is no such thing as magic. My solution was to Fade away instead. I can never be invisible, but I can be small enough to feel it. I drew this when thinking of ways to just evaporate after my ex left me. He ignored me and I felt like he had discarded me - and wanted me out of his life, wanted me to fade - so I decided I would. I had been on the ABC diet while with him, and he'd noticed me getting thinner, I also started to feel more comfortable, and (theres a post about this on PT) love makes you fat. I started to eat more, to please him so he wasn't worrying, and because he said he prefered girls who weren't stupidly thin (although is exex is insanely skinny - lucky Bitch) so I felt better...ate a bit more, ended up bingeing, then on a binge/restrict cycle. And now I almost slipped into a binge/fast cycle, except this time round, no bingeing.

Anyway, I shall stop writing for now,

Stay strong

xox

Sunday 16 May 2010

It's 2am xD

Well this is random, internet was meant to go off at 11:45pm, but mum fell asleep and never turned it on, not that i'm complaining!
I have mild insomnia,
Oh the joy,
Can't sleep, won't sleep...sometimes feel tired,
In fact, it's normally about now that I stop doing art, and sleep,
However I have done no art today, and have already slept, so i'm now wider awake then ever.
I got a drink about 30mins ago, the effort to get that re-awoke me even more,
My god, i'm a freak,
A lazy,
Fat.
Rather disgusting,
Freak.
But I can cope with that. At least I can change the fat part about me,
I love being a freak.
I put my Cranberry juice in the fridge earlier,
Mum will wonder where that came from,
Obviously i'll say it's a wierd craving i'm having - I bought it.
She won't care, she'll laugh, and not care.
Thank goodness my mum is used to my cravings and food phases.
Makes Ana easier sometimes.
So I was bored, and spoke to a [HOT] guy on facebook, for the first time since primary school,
He's rather nice,
Gorgeous too,
But i'm seeing someone, and shouldn't think things like that,
But, he is hot.
And friendly :)
We didn't have any awkward chat moments,
I was worried it would be a;
hey, you ok?
Not bad, you?
Yeah i'm great thanks, wubu2?
Not much you?
Same
[End of conversation]
Type of conversation.
But it wasn't :)
Actually, spoke about college, then flirted a tad when I said brb, and commented how I was more awake afterwards, and that I had honestly just gone to get a drink ;)
I'll speak to him again soon I think.
I shouldn't,
But curiosity is my middle name,
and will one day kill me,
Like it did that cat.
Curiosity killed the cat.
An odd phrase that,
Will get the better of me.
But i'm like that,
I fill my life with risks,
Sometimes subconsciously ruin it on a purpose,
A new kind of self harm,
With more serious consequences.
Random huh?
I guess my thoughts are more spread out at 2:15am
I'm going to do art now.
Till atleast 3am,
I have to be up at 8:30, maybe 9:00am.
If I get ready quick,
Got to wash my hair though,
So maybe alarm for 8:30am is a good idea,
I'll set it now.
*Alarm Set*
3am, till then, is 5 1/2 hours sleep,
That's plenty,
My normal is 6,
So really, not missing out on much.
Night again,
Stay strong
xox