So here is what happened tonight; my friend arrived at my house late, around 6pm, when she should have been there around 5:30pm, as I finished babysitting my neighbour about that time. My mum then had to give us a lift to another friends house, whose mum was giving us, and my friends grandparents a lift to a nearby town. My friend (whose mum was giving us a lift) was already at the said town, preparing herself for a dance performance. After the lift, my friend and I went off to find 4 others, who we met, then walked to the theatre with.
The show was pretty good, not top notch, but pretty good. There were people from all age groups, and I have to say the teens, and 18-25year olds, were by far the best. The younger kids were ok, some showed talent, others looked less enthusiastic, as though they were forced into the dance craze by parents obsessed with having children talented in all areas. One young girl (the youngest) was rather sweet though, she forgot a few moves, and couldn't always keep up, she was about 6 or 7 i'd say, and was so cute! Bless her little cotton socks :)
The older people were, how should I put it, amateaur? Even worse then the youngest kids, and thats saying something! A few were a bit, ahem, top heavy shall we say? And the oldest was atleast 50! They danced to Beep - Pussycat dolls, and really lacked the energy, looks and provocative moves that the music needed to accompany it!
I went for a pee during their second performance xD
When their 3rd one came around, Emma and I left the performance again, seemed like we were doing it on purpose and didn't like the dancers (true but not the reason why), Emma was feeling really faint :/, and I knew she needed to be away from the dark, loud atmosphere. However she hates putting herself before others, and wanted to go back in. Eventually I let her, but before we went, she gave me a huge hug. And well, I burst into tears, I have been trying to stay so strong for her, and well, failed today, she kept talking about the operation (happening on the 30th) and I couldn't hold it in any longer. After sorting ourselves out we returned, and thankfully hadn't missed any of our friend's performances, soon after that, the show finished. My friend and I had to support a rather dizzy Emma, while we went to see my friend who was in the show, before heading to meet my mum who took us all home. And now, here I am, worrying about Emma, I really, really can't lose her :(...
During the show, my friend said 'I brought sweets for tonight!' have a mini gelli hamburger...Me:'no thanks, i'm not hungry', my friend:'please, eat this and I won't force feed you anything else, you don't have to have it straight away, just by the end of the night'...so I took it, it was knocked on the floor when Emma and I went out the 2nd time, then when the show ended it, my friend picked it off the floor, tutted and put it in her bag (it's in a plastic box thing, so still edible lol, she isn't some crazy wierdo who eats floor food xD)...
But I couldn't help but want to shout 'why the hell have you two (both her and Emma) started acting so crazy about making me eat??' ...Emma is around me all the time, is never suspicious of anything, as she knows I hate eating during college (even when not fasting), and I tell her other things i've 'eaten' which keeps her happy (although they aren't true...what she doesn't know, won't hurt her), and well my other friend, i've only gotten close to her properly recently, and she really has no idea about my eating habits, and is SERIOUSLY PISSING ME OFF. Atleast she didn't pressure me into interval ice cream, as Emma didn't have any either lol, she offered us some and we were like, erm, no thanks. I just had 2 diet cokes (500ml each, so under 2cals) instead. Which meant I had to pee loads xD...anyway...
I want them to shut up :(
But thankfully tonight, mum hasn't mentioned anything!
Also, mum is out all day tomorrow, i'm out during the day seeing Emma, dad and brother are home, but will be busy, and i'm out in the evening (drinking xD) so real easy to skip all meals!
And it's great that i've been fasting, as I won't need so much alcohol to get anywhere ;).
Sunday, and skipping meals, could be an issue, my brother goes back to Uni, and mum always does family meals. I may ask for soup if she says I have to join them. As i'm sure I will be forced to, and it's better to ask for soup (which is sorta ok on a fast), then be given a plate of solids that she picked out... But yeah, i'll see how that goes when it happens.
I don't think I mentioned my little fasting idea, i'm doing it for ten days, so each day complete, I paint a new nail - as obviously, we have ten finger nails :). It's something I can easily look at, and see my progress, without anyone noticing! I can paint fingernail number 4 tonight :), yay!
I've been worrying for a while now over something... to do with me, like there might be something wrong with me... I don't really want to say it though, but I will, as writing it down might help, and someone may be able to comment...
It's embarrassing though, but here goes; I think, I pee'd a few spots of blood... I know my last period was last week, when I fasted 7 days, so it's not that time of month, and a 2nd fast won't have fucked up my period that bad, especially not when i'm still a 'healthy' weight. I have two ideas, it's either a bladder infection, or it came from the other, er, area, and is a STI. And, well...i'd rather have the bladder infection :/ but recently when I was with the guy I was truly in love with... we did it, ahem, unprotected. As i'm not one to speak out...stupidly. I always let the guy have their way, and be happy, which is wrong. I also had unprotected sex with someone when drunk, but they were a virgin (I did not know this at the time, and can't bear the thought of it :/) so would have no STI's, whereas the guy I was with... let's just say, he gets around... (wow I do pick some great men)...
Anyway, please don't judge me, I still don't know why I didn't open my mouth and say 'do you have protection?' and stand my ground if not, i'm just too pathetic :/
But please, someone help... i'm scared, and it feels funny to pee...and can smell real bad :(... I just want to curl up and cry forever, there is so much going on right now :'( ... I want Emma to be fine...and with the stress of everything with her, I can't talk to her about it, I don't want her worrying over me...and my mum thinks i'm a virgin, so if I tell her, and if it isn't a bladder infection...I don't quite know how she would take it...
Anyway...
I shall stop blabbing on now, and just say, I hope one day things sort themselves out, with everyone, and everything, not just in my life, but in others too. I hate to see people hurt, and I hope you are all ok, in atleast one aspect of your life. Do something for me, and for every negative thing you think, think of 2 positives, they are out there, remember that.
You are all loved,
Stay strong,
xox
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