Followers already!

Wow, well firstly, I can't honestly believe I already have followers! That makes me so happy, and I truly hope I am interesting enough to keep you all engrossed in what I have to say :P.

So, secondly - an update - on yesterdays situation to be exact!

My mum came upstairs several times, asking me if I would come downstairs and have soup. She'd repeat the 'please just try to have something'. However many times I would say 'i'm not hungry' ...she really wouldn't listen.

Thing is, I knew if I stayed strong enough, and sat it out, things would be ok...and I was right! I had to talk on the phone to my Grandad, thanking him for the lovely new laptop I am currently tip-tapping away on, and after took the phone downstairs for mum to have a word. She said 'are you going to make that soup now?' as I left... I 'mm' 'd at her while walking back upstairs... and she left me alone after that! Another hour or so passed, and both her and Dad went to bed - no further questions asked!
This morning when I awoke and went downstairs for my vitamin/iron tablet, and glass of fruit cocktail juice (90) ... she said 'are you going to have breakfast? You really need to eat. You'll waste away! You look thinner already...' Well, I wanted to grin like a cheshire cat xD. Thinner already? YES! That means the fast is working!

I said 'i'm really not hungry' ... her response was about my friend, who i'll call Emma, though that isn't her real name... 'look I know you are worrying about Emma, but you won't be helping her by not eating' ...at which point I sat down... 'I know Mum... I just don't feel like eating... she has to have an operation, and... it's risky' ... Mum: 'all operations are risky, love' ...Me:'Yes, but she may not survive...' I could barely finish the sentence... before I started crying, as this really is a real situation, and i'm not lying to just not eat... she hugged me, and well I hated when she smoothed me, you know the way mothers do that? And it was over my ribs round the back... I don't know, I know they are more prominent at the moment, and I didn't want her to notice, or worry more. My head was going 'she is definately thinking about how she can feel the ribs...', though I was probably just over paranoid. Anyway after I stopped crying I squirmed away, finished my drink, and while she mentioned I should eat, said I didn't want to and walked off upstairs. So...breakfast avoided!

Later, I am babysitting 3-5:30ish, at 6:00 i'm off out with mates, and not getting the lift back till 10:30, (going to watch my mate in a 3 hour dance show!), which means dinner is easily missed. I will tell mum I had a big lunch, with Emma, to compensate having no time for tea. This excuse should work, as she is always gullable enough to fall for the 'I had something earlier' excuse, so long as I can back up what I had. I will most likely say I went to costa (Emma and I always go there for Frescatos), and had a cheese and tomato panini, cake, and a Hot chocolate. The fattier the food sounds, the happier she will be. Although even if I say 'I had a salad' she is still ok. It's funny how people are like that, they see food as food, not calories. If you are eating, you are ok. They have no concept of negative calorie meals at all. Really does help me out sometimes!

I looked in the mirror earlier... still a long way to go, but my stomach has no bloating....although still a small bulge of fat, which I wish to eradicate as soon as possible! But atleast, with the right clothes on...I look, kind of skinny. Kind of to me, really skinny to other people looking. I remind myself of that daily, however fat I think I look, most people around me disagree. After all, the 'sane' part of my mind knows a 108lb, 5ft3 girl is a fairly slim person. Ana disagrees, and so does the majority of my mind. I'm not slim, or skinny, or thin. I'm fat, and have a long way to go...

I've just put photoshop on my laptop (complete change of subject I know), and that means I can do some artwork while babysitting, which makes me happy. The child is 11, and flicks channels constantly, watching only kids shows - boring! So now I will have something to occupy myself with. Something interesting to do; I take BTEC Art at college, and it's pretty much all I do 24/7, which is a great distraction from food, and it also fills up the time during the night when I can't sleep - I have mild insomnia, and don't feel tired until 2am, and have to be up at 7:30am during weekdays. I know, it's not the worst case scenario, many people sleep 1 or 2 hours, or not all. But for me, it's bad enough. Anyway, at the moment we are doing a Lifestyles project, had to pick 2 things from several choices, including; birth, death, teenagers, mid-life crisis, love, marriage etc. random choices I know, I picked love and death. And have researched into both, before choosing just one. They took my interest as I recently had my heart broken, and I originally wanted to focus on love, and from there could go into heart break etc. as I could relate to it. But when thinking of death ideas, I ended up really interested in suicide, crazy I know, but I have depression, and when things broke up with my ex, I suffered severly, and remember having the suicidal thoughts, thinking how could I end this quickest? And somehow by thinking it over, and getting those thoughts out there, it helps me see how ridiculous it would really be. The slitting wrist photo shoot I did was horrifying, and rather triggering as I had contemplated it, along with the pill overdose shoot. Disgusting I know, and no one expects gruesome things from me, as i'm normally happy-go-lucky (which is why the depression was such a huge deal), but it has really helped me see things clearer, and made me want to find reasons to live. One being to grow up and be a successful fashion designer, one day...it will come true. I have also (riskily) put in an Ana quote 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words [FAT] might make me want to kill myself' with an image that really stood out for me. A girl screaming with tape measure, tape measures on magazines, and a concave stomach with ribs visible and a tape measure wrapped around... (it was a series of three images one on top of the other), it is a risky thing to add, but eating disorders are part of depression, and I wanted something really personal in there, without it being obvious.

Infact I shall post the image, so you can see it;

Remember - I did not take it, I don't own it! lol, I just want you to see it :)

I had to hide it slightly though, i'm sat next to a friend of mine, who is a recovered Anorexic. I'm so proud she has managed to get better, she seems fine too, she likes staying around 7st12lbs or 8stone, as is simply aiming to stay at a low, yet healthy weight. She has done so well. Emma was suggesting ideas for a photoshoot on teenagers for her project though, and without thinking asked her to do one on diet pills and food etc. she said ok, but I mentioned it to Emma, and she said 'yeah I though about that afterwards, really not a good idea, I won't do it', thank god, as if I were recovered, and made to do that, I think it would be a serious trigger, don't you?

Well that's enough waffling for now, I will however, post again tonight after returning from the dance performance, which I hope will be very good! I have paid £8 to see it after all! That's a good point actually, it should have been £10 but I get the student discount, I just need to show my card to prove it...now I wonder where that card is...

I'm going to go and search for it now!

Stay strong!

xox