Just to say i'm okay..

Ok so this is hardly a post worth posting,

Thing is i'm all too aware of the fact I haven't posted in...weeks.

And with my life as crazy as it is, I felt the need to say I'm okay.

Seeing as the situations in my life are something that could easily drive me crazy and make me want to do something stupid...I want to tell you I haven't done anything stupid.

Infact, i've been through alot - including seeing Emma almost die - she stopped breathing 5 times in one, very long night.

She also told me she was IN love with me, and thinking she was going to die that night, I pretended I loved her too.

Yes, we kissed.

No we didn't do anymore then that.

Yes she survived that night,

And I had to explain to her I wasn't lesbian...

I am in fact, very VERY straight...

And then she too realised it was the emotions getting to her, and as we are so damn close, her brain turned it into something more, simply from desperation.

That was a tough night...

Things didn't become awkward though,

The week after I barely went to college, except to see her,

I still went out at night, still came home and didn't sleep...

Had the worst insomnia i've ever had.

Had the most emotional week of thinking I was leaving Emma forever when going on holiday...

HAVING THE BEST HOLIDAY OF MY LIFE.

Where I was completely distracted, was so exhausted I SLEPT.

AND, was so distracted AND exhausted, I didn't think about my problems,

I was problem free, and the one night I did think about things,

I was mainly thinking about food...

Though I made it out to be all about the Emma issue, and my mate A helped cheer me right up :)

I was in Florida.

We went to Universal studios,

I went on THE HULK rollar coaster - my first ever rollarcoaster, and it's HUGE. I was so proud of myself :)

Went to Discovery Cove and SWAM WITH DOLPHINS :D

Went to Sea World and watched Shamu...who was amazing, but I feel sorry for the animals all cooped up :(

Went to Magic Kingdom, met Donald Duck, Goofy and Chip&Dale (didn't see any other characters, and if we did, the queue to see them was like 45mins long!)

Went to Blizzard Beach and gained an awful tan line xD

Spent several days shopping, bought some AMAZING items, including a GUESS handbag, purse, rings and leather jacket (size XS = US size 0!!), and Abercrombie&Fitch cropped Hoodie (Size XS = US size 0!!), French Connection Dress (size 4...UK size 6 ... SO close to fitting in the 0/2, which is a UK 4, a UK 4 is an American 0, therefore the 0 dress size, would be a UK 2, and an American 00, I think.. so OMG i'm so close to an American 0/00 !! YESS), jewellery etc. and, whilst shopping, I got a guys number ;) hehe...

All the while, I was constantly exercising... walking all day, from 9am to 6pm, coming home, going in the swimming pool for a few hours, showering, writing my diary, constantly ALWAYS doing things...was awesome!

However, week before holiday had some serious late night binges from stress :( then first four days of holiday I ate alot...

I ate ...like an American (my god some of them are HUGE...however they aren't all like the stereotype! Some do look after themselves! And I may have seen a few Anorexics...)

Then, after some comments 'you eat like a machine!' and 'i've never seen you eat so much' along with the voices in my head SCREAMING at me... I changed, like literally, and a little too obviously, snapped.

Apple or peach for breakie, apple for lunch, salad and maybe vegetables for dinner... add that to the walking I was doing, all the water I was drinking, and the weight went down...properly (was weightloss not waterloss etc)

There were meals out, but I controlled some of them (after I stopped bingeing) and kept to salads, vegetables, and no pudding/starter...

The whole holiday was either water, or diet coke.

And I had gum and tictacs just in case ;)

By the end of the week I found scales in a supermarket, which my mates dad and another mate had decided to use from curiosity...and to my luck I found them using it... having not had scales all week, I was desperate to use them... 104lbs with clothes, so 103lbs!!!

Woooowwweeeeeeee, I was so happy!!

Before the holiday I'd binged up to 108/109lbs, then binged during the holiday then stopped for 4/5 days, and well, whatever I'd gained, I'd lost! I imagine I went up to 109/110lbs :s...so had lost 7 REAL lbs. WOW.

Then stress hit.

I was coming home, to problems, to realising Emma really didn't have much time (however...she had LASTED all the way through my holiday!!!!!!)

And worrying I'd get insomnia again because of Jetlag etc...

So I freaked.

I binged.

I came home, 108lbs.

I binged.

I saw Emma :D lol, went out etc. had several lazy days (btw this was last Thursday that I came home...)

Then got CONTROL.

Thanks to being able to go on PT again, and thanks to my friends supporting me (the ones who know...on PT lol)

And because I was so damn unhappy with what I was becoming :(

I am now 105lbs, and on day 2 of fasting.

And I can't believe I'm doing ok again :)

I'm off to Holland 5 days, will fast as long as I can, hopefully until then :)

I have a supply of tictacs (one or two boxes a day allowance - had two yesterday), and gum to get me through :)

Have also invested in skinny cow hot chocolate for those cravings (37cals per one), two large bottles of diet coke, and of course, I can have water, but no fruit juice.

I stayed at Emma's last night,

She's gotten so good at hiding everything, I barely knew she was still ill...it's wierd, but does make it easier to deal with,

She goes to Spain Friday, and I'm seeing her tonight, tomorrow night, and all day (woop!) Thursday...could be the last time I see her then, as Holland is a long holiday (two weeks) so you never know :/

Anyway, I refuse to think about it.

The only reason any insomnia is evident, is because of the voices. Not because of the Emma situation.

It's as though anorexia is getting worse with me.

My hair is falling out more, I am sure...

Argh :(

I have told one person who I know in real life (not over internet), he once had bulimia for a short time 4 years ago, but luckily snapped out of it before it really got a hold of him and became a proper illness...

I'm not sure why I told him, I just always knew he would understand, however we hadn't spoken in a long time, and well, we did the other day...

After preparing what to say, and making him promise not to try to help even though he would want to, as I didn't want him to... I told him.

And he said ok, he would always be there when I need him, will be waiting if I do want help, and would not try to make me do anything I didn't want.

I found someone who understands...

It makes me so fucking happy, it's unbelieveable...

I don't know why, but I want to tell him everything I do to lose weight, to almost show off my achievements? I don't know, i'm holding back, but he is useful as he has insomnia, so when the voices are too much I can text him and he makes me feel ok. Even though he can't understand, it's like he does...confusing? lol sorry :P

Must be off now, *huge sigh of relief as i've finally updated*

Btw, E, the guy I liked, is single again... but i'm going off him, he is a bit of a player I think, and I just have a tendency to be attracted to bad boys, though they aren't good for me :P

Been watching Romantic comedies recently, they're good for me, make me see good men are out there, and I should find one :P hehe

Stay strong :)

xox

Average day...

Slept through college... and no not at college, but at home, in bed.

Awoke at 1pm.

I'd gone to sleep at 3am, after watching 'The Ugly Truth' which, I must suggest you to watch - it's pretty awesome tbh, the sex references are hilarious xD...

It had been a long night,

But no, wasn't 'it' for Emma, thank goodness...

However she went to the hospital today...straight after college, she had really wanted to see me beforehand but I was too busy catching Z's, and neither my Mum or my phone could wake me, fucking great.

I babysat, 3-5.

Meant had to pick up the kid - which meant 20mins power walking, and 30mins walking at a normal pace...

Mm, had several diet cokes by this point, and some gum.

Was boring, though watched 'Gilmore Girls' which I love,

And have been told I look identical to the girl who plays Rory, the actresses real name is Alexis Bledel, look her up :) she is pretty actually, and really skinny ... wish I was skinny :(

Came home, and didn't do much... went and bought diet coke & Vogue at 7.30, while returning the 2 hired DVD's... was boring, but an extra 30minutes of walking :)

Then went to see Emma, mum drove me there (she lives in another, nearby town), and we went for a walk (30mins), before stopping at a tree, sitting down and chatting/thinking about everything.

Hospital says she has days to go.

I sat in silence, and we hugged.

It's all I can do.

Be silent.

I'll talk about it, yeah.

Sometimes.

In my attempt to stay strong while she is around,

To show people I can be strong and talk...

But inside, i'm numb.

Thoughts are numb,

Frozen in time,

I don't think.

I don't cry.

I don't react.

I am bobbing along through life, letting myself be either nothing, or happy. That is all.

With Emma, happiness is common.

Overwhelming sadness can pop out of nowhere.

But no longer shocks me, and I can eradicate it quickly before I cry.

I don't like to cry infront of her, shows weakness.

Weakness she doesn't need to see as it makes her feel weaker.

I'm like her back bone right now,

She needs to see my strength in order to have her own strength.

Anyway,

Stomach rumbled, had a convo about how I ate so much yesterday that I couldn't eat today, then her saying I should...then her saying nah don't worry I won't force you.

Thank goodness.

I had to then go pee from too much diet coke xD

We walked back at 10.50pm, my Mum said it was getting late and she was tired, and had to pick me up, which she did, at like 11.20pm

Getting back meant another 30mins walking,

I've done atleast 2 hours of walking today, and will do 300 situps/crunches before bed :)

I can't not do those now, must be strict, Florida a week tomorrow!

Emma is bad now,

At home, coughing up blood, alone.

She has days,

We are getting matching tattoos tomorrow.

I feel like it will give us some kind of connection when she is...no longer around..

See, even while typing that I can't cry.

I'm going now,

This unemotional train wreck is going.

How boring am I?

Boring and fat, gained 2lbs from that binge, a real 2lbs too. Not like binge weight. But fat weight.

I've only had diet coke today.

Keep this up and I'll lose more then those 2lbs in a few days.

My plan btw is;

Fast 2 days.

On day 3, have dinner - Lettuce and Cucumber OR an Apple.

Under 200cals of protein is allowed with it, IF 2 hours of exercise has been done on that day.

Then repeat - 2 days fast, 3rd day with dinner.

I will have 3 meals between now and Florida.

Lush.

Lol :)

Hope to lose :) :)

Stay strong

xox

Urhghnndnaoiiuuuhghgh bloated :(

Been an alright week, except for failing at blogging. AGAIN.

Life is so hectic :(

Monday;

College! Woopwoop.

Yeah. Because that's a whole load of fun isn't it? Really?

I mean the only bonus of college is it's distracting, and food can be avoided, easily. I actually did ok Monday, it was good.

Tuesday;

Well, I went to college, arrived late at beginning of break time, stayed outside, decided sunbathing with Emma would be fun, and stayed sunbathing until lunch time - missing both lessons, was damn good chatting to her :)

Emma was then leaving to go to work - missing the last lesson, so I left too, with my Mum actually - she gave me a lift, I'd been faint on my feet, and walking home seemed like an impossible task - moment one of many weak moments to come.

Arrived home, and didn't really do anything constructive for a few hours... was really rather lazy, waiting for my mum.

Wolfing down soup. And ice cream...soup&icecream...Soup. AND. Ice Cream. WTF?

Wierdest mixture ever...DON'T DO IT.

For two reasons; 1. Calories, fat, fat, fat. 2. Makes you feel ill the next day :(

Mum arrived home, and took me to Emma's work, where I stayed from 5ish, to 9pm. It wasn't that busy, only some old men came in to the pub, most interesting person was (we shall call him) Franky, and he seems lovely. Not the most attractive guy, but really not bad at all :)

He is definately interested in Emma though!

It's depressing though...not as though she'll ever have another serious relationship...:'(

She's going to miss out on so much :(

After work, we went to the park and chatted,

She told me about the Will she had written, how much she has given me, and her generosity is outstanding, I wanted to cry, and just couldn'.

I can't infront of her because I can't show weakness...I just can't. She needs my strength.

I cried once though,

She has asked me to do a reading at her funeral :'(

I said yes, no idea what I shall say, but I will pour out my heart and soul because I love her so much.

We talked about so much, and hugged a lot. It was so emotional, I just wanted to cry at the beautifulness that is the way in which we are able to speak so freely about the situation.

Sound stupid? Well it's not, if we couldn't speak to each other about this, we'd be in more pieces then we are at the moment. It means we don't feel alone :)

I was out till 10.30pm before mum came to pick me up, came home and did nothing lol...

Wednesday;

Best day of the week, well and truly.

Photoshoot day in London

At 8am Emma arrived at my house, with flowers for my mum (how cute!),

We caught a train around 9, on the journey I gave Emma a little chinese looking purse from my Dad (I had one too and had resisted opening it since he gave it to me at midnight the day before), we opened them and found necklaces with dog tags on (well they're that shape anyway) a silver chain, with our initials on... we almost cried, especially when later, we found out my Dad had spent a week making them himself... (he really amazes me sometimes!) .... eventually we arrived in Waterloo over an hour later ... we then took the tube to Oxford Circus. My Mum on the underground is annoyingly hilarious, it's funny how much she panics, and bloody annoying that she has to check every little thing, while I knew exactly where to go.

Things started when we arrived, we were sat down, and our hairstylists came over and gave us a talk about how we wanted it done. I thought layers would be nice, but as my hair is SO long, it's also quite fair/fine...so apparently layers wouldn't work. Bleugh.

Anyway, I got a massaging chair, which was so wierd! Like it moved up and down your back...was so relaxing though, and when applying conditioner, the hair stylist massaged our heads...which felt SO good.

I then had literally not even an inch cut off the tips, and the fringe, because I trust no one with my hair, and wanted it still uber long :D... it was then curled, the fringe was a bit odd, but I didn't mind in the end lol, it's only the way she dried it - normally it would be ok, and it is ok actually (i'm typing this, the day after, and it's been washed since, and fringe looks good again)... I freaked in my head though... my hair on my head looked really sparse in places :/...and like...I was worried as haird dressers can tell ANYTHING to do with diet, smoking, drug habits etc. from your hair :/... (was worried she could tell my eating habits weren't good) ... and like, even though I curl my hair with straighters for parties, I just panicked that she would over heat my hair and it would fall out....:/ meh.

Emma just had her hair shaped and straightened, as it is full of volume, and therefore if it were to have curls would look like a serious afro haha (it's naturally curly so would end up HUGE lol)... it looked really really nice once all done :)

We then went down stairs, filled in a sbeet so that they had an idea what style we were going for - make up wise (we had not worn make up there, so were desperate to get some on xD) ... I had brown smokey eyes, with eyeline on the top, and bottom, and black falsh lashes... she also filled in my eyebrows a little bit, added bronzer on my cheeks, used foundationa and lipgloss.

Emma had mascara, foundation, bronzer and purple smokey eyes,

We both looked quite lush :) and I actually liked myself for a day, especially after all the fasting :P

Thennnnn photo time!

Our photographer was awesome haha. Really funny and comfortable to be around. We had different backgrounds - stairs, some big circle cut out a of wall, that you can sit in, a fancy bit with wallpaper and a sofa, and random boards with fabric, wood (wood patterned fabric) etc. on the walls so you can stand in front of them.

We had photos done individually and together, and had such a laugh :)

Catching one bit on camera of Emma being photographed :))

So I can watch it lol, random but it was so nice having footage of her smiling :)

In fact, that day was the most i've seen her smile in a long time, and I know it was because of the fact photos were being taken, but still...smiling makes you happy :)

Woah i'm getting tired...just mistook a guitar case for a person, and i'm making so many typos - just changing them and making them right... though here is me not altering the typos;

I actually am unebelieveavle tired, it's so stupied :( urgh seei nt that sentence, and this one, ive already made loads of istakes! Urh thats so annoyin g, my fingers just feel unnattached fro my hands, its horriblne! My eyes are droping...but ive more to wrie....must go on! And sort out all y typos as i go!

It's only 2am. lol. though i only had 2 hours sleep last night :/

ANYWAY. Photos were AWESOME. I actually felt, and sorta looked...skinny. I mean, not skinny enough, but still...to other people looking, who have a different view... I was skinny ;) haha.

The photographer is setting up his own studio, and has asked me back for test shots! I will do them free, but hopefully it will be the start of a modelling career?

I don't know...would be awesome though! Just height lets me down a tad (5ft3) but that just tules out catwalk, which I'm cool with not doing lol - after all I am going to be a fashion designer, I won't need to model catwalk, when I can design catwalk ;) and walk up/down the catwalk at the end like all designers do :P

But yeah, photographer said I was comfortable behind the camera (surprisingly was, and really enjoyed being center of attention ha...), anyway he said I have potential, so who knows eh :P

After that we chose photos - all on disc (costs a bomb, cheaper to get disk with us owning the copyright and being able to have all the copies in the world made that we want, then it was to get them as prints, where we Don't have copyrihgt...and they are 5 by 8 inches...which isnt that big :/

We got two of both of us, six of Emma, and six of myself :)

We walked around oxford a bit, and headed home after mum had a baguette, and we had iced smoothies (me - mango, Emma - strawberry and banana)

And after we went into body shop with little free pots saying we could have that much (the pot size) of a sample of any product lol Body Shop body butters are LUSH. The like, orange or mango one is nice, and the grapfruit and passionfruit (I think) one is gorgeous! lol

Once we arrived home, we went in the living room, watched films, looked at the pictures etc. were going to go out with the lads, but that didn't happen in the end. In fact, E and his mate T turned up (after and hour and half of me saying no we couldn't come out) at like half 11, so I invited them into the living room, making them leave at 12, after noticing how much pain Emma was in (only obvious when you know the signs)...

She was in agony, had been digging her nails into her arms and everything :( so I made her hold my hand and squeeze, which she hated, so I'd hug her etc. eventually sat with her arms round me so she couldn't reach her arms to dig nails in, and at 6am we fell asleep lying with arms round each other.... for two hours, till 8am. Which is the most sleep Emma has had in a week at least.

And the day before Mum made up some fruit for us. Emma kept down.. 1 strawberry. I ate the rest of the fruit, plus extra mango and cherries later (craving :/) to keep mum happy, and said Emma dn I split the food half and half...because she didn't want to let my mum down, so I ate them as though she had ...it was only fruit.... until I craved chocolate and ate boxed chocolates, kitkats and smarties :(... ew. Fatfatfat.

Thursday;

College lessons cancelled exept 2-3pm lesson which only 4 people went to - not including me and Emma haha. We stayed home, watched films (Fame - the new one, which isn't bad lol, I'd say 3 stars...) then she said she wanted to try food. Everything was her choice; pringles, pot noodle and ben&jerrys.

Calories and fatfatfat.

But sorry to say, a dying best mate come first.

However, led to a day long binge. After Emma went home at 4ish feeling ill, I had falafels with sauce, and pizza toasttt.... ewness.

I tried purging after... got up some saliva with food in. That's it... I did 300 situps/crunches then gave up. Washed my hair and went on computer.

I'm going to do 2 days fasting, on third day have salad&quorn. Two day fast, salad&quorn, etc. i've got 9 days till my holiday. I MUST look GOOD. and skinny. Because right now i'm fucking HUGE. And feel disgusting :(....

Emma threw up the food we ate once she got home, and brought up blood too.

She'd been losing a lot of blood tonight, and it's my fault for trying to get her to eat...

She thinks she won't make that night. How can I sleep now?

She isn't texting back.

Is this it?

:'(

I can't even type more then that.

Thing is I don't want to sleep.

(and not just because i've soooooo much art to do...)

But because I want to wait for a text.

Yet.

I'm so fucking tired. I might just sleep.

Say I forgot my art.

or something...

I don't know

Can't think now actually.

Or type tbh.

Night night

I dunno if I've missed out anything.

Cba with calorie counting, today was way to appaulling.

But i'm gonna change now.

Like I said earlier.

Not changing tomorrow, changing NOW

Stay strong

xox

Serious Catchup

I've done it again! Been crazy busy and not blogged!

Tuttuttut to me! And my last post was the day before starting a fast! Which I'm still on! And coping ok withh :)

Tuesday;

Well i'd been up most of the night doing art work, and was completely knackered by morning and in desperate need of CAFFEINE. Silly ol' me thought hey, paracetamol has caffeine in ;) ...

I took 4 paracetamol's, and drank 4 and a 1/2 diet drinks... Holy Moly.

Did I get energy?

No.

Wtf? Instead I felt SO ill, was dizzy, faint and couldn't concentrate, and was still insanely tired! I think there was 1 moment of about 30seconds of energy where I simply tapped my fingers a lot? Well, I am wierd... The day was ok at college, but my art teacher drove me mad, saying do this, do that, why aren't you getting on with work, find some energy and do something productive..etc. I swear on my life I could've hit that women. I prefer the male teacher who is also my tutor and actually understands the shit I go through, and accepts I have insomnia. Rather then her, who thinks I can muster up energy from NO where? Yeah so not gonna happen - she could see the energy drinks, so it was obvious I was trying, not my fault it didn't work! Emma hadn't slept either :/ and we were just dead to the world, the teacher asked us to come move tables to different classrooms, we went for a long walk, went to the toilet, then returned and moved one table - that's all we could manage xD. We went to a nearby town after college - were meant to look round some University thing at college (they'd all come and set up tables so we could get prospectus's etc.) but we couldn't be bothered, so Emma's mate Nat came and picked us up (she can drive) and we went off to a big shopping center in a town about 30mins away. Emma suggested I went home, but a fun evening out and plenty of walking ;) was what I needed. We spent atleast 3hours walking sollidly, did plenty of shopping - although I was only looking not buying (knowing that I'd take Mum there soon to buy stuff for Florida, I knew there was no point wasting my own money :P)... then went to the cinema. By which point they'd already made a stop at McDonalds and using the 'I feel ill from earlier still' excuse, I avoided all food, and had a diet coke. At the cinema, I continued with the excuse, along with 'I'm not hungry' (because I had perked up a little) to avoid popcorn, and again, have a diet coke. Thank goodness diet cokes exist :). The film was Street Dance 3D, if you have it at a cinema near you, WATCH IT. It's so awesome :))

When I got home - we left after the film at around 8ish, I had a desire to dance, dance, dance. Even though the weather was roasting still... the film had put me in that mood. So I danced in hotpants and a croptop, intensely for half an hour, before doing 300 situps. I was sweating like a pig xD and then had a lush, cold shower! Which was soooo good :))... that was it for the night really, and I was exhausted!!

Wednesday;

College again, but only from 10.25-12.25, which really isn't too bad :), I can't quite remember, but I have a feeling Emma and I had a Frescato before hand as well - would've been a Mango&Passionfruit one if we did...after discovering the calories in an indulgent one... I couldn't possibly have another. And OMG but they have changed their menu, the Frescato's come under the name of Fruit Cooler's now, and the summer berries is Red Berry, Mango&Passionfruit is thankfully the same, and there is now a Lemonade one (but I can't remember it's name lol)...the indulgent ones are called like, Iced Desserts or something, and there is no Caramel crunch, but a Vanilla ice drink or something is on another part of the menu that I think is it's replacement... only chocolate and strawberry ones still exist, I think. It's confusing, and the colourful menu doesn't match the deep red hue of the cafe, and the old ish atmosphere it projects. The colourfulness of the 'What do you feel like today' board thingy just does NOT match. It's not right, it's not...Costa! Gutted much :( haha. ANYWAY, college was average as usual, Emma had work at 1ish, we may have grabbed a Costa before that too - I can never remember, might have been then and not morning, or morning and no then? See this is why I should write on the day... Anyway, got home and Mum decided it was the only free day I would have to go Florida shopping, so went back to the shopping centre, bought some nice things - I got some lush boots for myself, peep toe, brown, high heeled, with a chain on, looked a little cowboyish as the tops were curved... Mum bought me some shorts I've wanted for AGES - Soulcal, blue and white horizontal stripes, very beachy, very lush - need to lose a bit first though, as very short, and skinnier legs look better in them! A slightly see through, very light, patterned top, that you can throw over a bikini, or wear on a hot day, some denim shorts (Primark) they say size 8, and are tight - i'm a six, so they must be a size between 4 and 6 (ha a size 5 then lol) so almost a size 0! And I can squeeze them on ;)...that's a point, need to try on the size 0 jeans again, see where I'm getting on that side of things... anyway, also got 3 pairs of dolly shoes, black pair, peach pair, and denim coloured pair :) all lush. A new big bag was bought as well, and I can't remember if we got anything else, haha. Oh, actually a ring, the says love on it, its gold, and the 'o' is a heart with little jewels in :) looks real sweet lol. After shopping I went to Emma's work and kept her company :), she finished at 9pm, I got there like 5ish, the drunk guys (she works at a pub) were funny, and her mate who likes me came to see us. Emma, me, him and his two friends, went to the park, then back to the pub/golfcourse to wait for my mum, was quite funny, we walked off and pretended to whisper about them, when instead we were listening to them - talking about us xD, lol... one said he'd give me a go ;) haha. God :/ I hate guys sometimes xD. Anyway Mum turned up at 10.30pm and I went home :)

Thursday;

Our art teacher had told us about a New Designer exhibition in London, and gave us permission to miss college to go to it, and told us we could go anyday we wanted when it was on. Emma and I picked Thursday, when it was a full college day, it was amazing. Up early, she arrived at mine for 8am, dropped her stuff off - she was sleeping over that night and didn't want to carry things around - and went to Costa ;)... Mango&passionfruit :), got to train station for 9am, train at 9.15, then went to London :D ... found our way using the tube to get to Islington and explored the exhibition which was stuff from all different Uni's, they currently had a lot of fashion and textiles (illustration and graphics is this upcoming week), and each student put business cards by their work - they were so pretty, I loved looking at work, took notes, sneaked one picture in (photos were not allowed haha) and collected an entire handbag of business cards :P meaning i've now lots of pretty card to collage with whenever I want :D ... We spent atleast 3hours walking around that before heading off. We explored Islington, then went to Euston and explored there - we had a Costa ;)... 3rd one of the day as at Waterloo we had had a lemonade one :P... Anyway, we then went to Camden, looked around one of the smaller markets - couldn't find the main one, before heading for Waterloo, and then going to the Thames, walking up and down that. The mime artists there were hilarious :) and this guys made us friendship bracelets that matched, he said we were lovely and could pay however much we wanted - but after we'd already spent a fair bit, we had nothing! I had bought dungarees (short ones) at Camden, and was broke, and Emma only had a bit, so when normally he charges 7 or 8 quid per one (rip off! they are just thread...though vveryy pwwetttyy :P), we could only give £4 altogether :P hahaha. He was lovely though, then we headed back to the station, after managed to scrape together some money for plasters - stupid new shoes :( ... and went home :)... back to mine for 7ish, Mum had offered to give us a lift from the station, I said no :) was like 30min walk and I was taking advantage after already walking so much :D... mum and dad went to my parents evening and Emma and I just chilled :)...

We spent the whole night up, watched Confessions of a Shopaholic, New Moon (which i'd not seen before, and it is purely AMAZING) and The Proposal, which I love :)... around like, 5 or 6ish am, Emma was at her worst :/, chest pains and agony :(, we just hugged her throught the pain, it was horrible :(

Friday;

College...urgh. We had Costa beforehand, and walking there was fine, getting there and doing art - was not. I was at the computer literally falling asleep on the spot...and after an hour Emma said I should go home, I said ok as long as she did NOT walk me home - I didn't want her wasting her time and energy on that. So she said alright, I got home and slept from 11.30 till 2. Got up, and went to pick up my neighbour to babysit her 3 till whenever, turned out to be only 4.30, 5ish when her mum AND dad returned which was early and a bit odd lol. Anyway, I then went back home to pack, with the intentions of later leaving for a weekend away with Emma.

Her brother's car broke, and we couldn't leave that night.

And yes, I went a bit crazy. EVERYTHING got to me, my brother was suggesting driving us, my Mum didn't realise I was in the other room (although she was talking so loudly I could have heard anywhere in the house) and said where we were meant to be going - near Torquay - and started talking about me when I was RIGHT THERE. Only with my brother pointing out my existence did she shut up. She was saying it's too late to go now blahblah, and well I went mad, had a go because all mum could think about was time. TIME, TIME, TIME. And well. Emma doesn't HAVE any fucking time. I cried, so much. Ran upstairs, and cried some more. Screaming infact, hitting the wall, hitting my head on the door, shouting about how she shouldn't die etc. It was a real release, scary ...but a release. I eventually calmed down and was about to curl up and sleep, but Emma texted, Her E and Li were coming to get me so we could go out. I was glad, I did NOT want to be at home... I perked up after a while, although was origionally clear i'd been crying, and Li wanted to know what was up. He and E then got burger and chips, which I resisted, before going for a drive. E moved his chair back so I couldn't move and fell asleep - he'd been drunk on vodka and the tiredness stage had hit him haha. Emma got worse, and didn't talk, she showed me a text saying why - she needed to cough up blood. So I asked Li if we could go home (saying it was to do with curfew) and I got back midnight, as E woke up haha. Anyway, I fell asleep and slept till 10ish on Saturday.

Saturday;

Plans originally had been to go up to Torquay at 9am, as the car had been fixed (though if it hadn't, mum would've taken us) ... but mum and I got a text explaining Emma had been up all night being sick and coughing up blood, she wasn't up for going, and as her parents were away at a wedding, she was staying at her aunts somewhere. So I went back to sleep... Then spent the day doing art.

She thought she was a disappoinment and it took so long to persuade her she wasn't - I care more for her health then a holiday, and atleast her she is near people who can help, rather then just me, 3 hours away from any family, who panicks at the slightest thing. She got worse though...

Sunday (today);

Emma explained she woke up in hospital this morning. She'd passed out from lack of blood :( and I'm spending the day in bed because I can't be bothered to move. I spent last night doing art till 3am. I have spent the last 2 days guzzling down hot chocolate because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and in this state I needed it. Last night I ate too much whipped cream, felt ill, and decided that is it, no more.

And today I have only had cranberry juice.

Ok sorry I had to add that in, as most of you read this for ED things too.

My fast is going strong, I suppose whipped cream shouldn't count, but it is just, whipped liquid, so for my sanity, I count it. I'm on day 6 and I don't want to stop ever, tbh. Times are tough and i've not even thought about food. I keep busy and it doesn't cross my mind at all. I exercise as much as possible - do 100crunches everynow and then, and can feel the strain, meaning muscle should build soon, I would like to be real skinny, with a cute little 4pack, or 6pack. Not some manly hench looking thing, but something cute and like, impressive. My thigh gap is permanent, small, but permanent, and my once tight size 8 skinnies are too big for me. Thinning wise, life is good, i'm in control, and just, ignore food. Mum put two pieces of garlic bread next to me yesterday. Which I left. Dad came home and started wolfing some down, no one else wanted more, I then said he could have mine, but he didn't eat it all. Later on mum was sat there, with garlic bread next to her, and was slowly making her way through them - I don't think she finished the lot, but atleast mine was gotten rid of :)

Becomes so easy now, she mentions food etc. says 'have you eaten?' 'should I cook for you?' - response being that i'll sort myself out lol. Even Emma had said to my Mum that we ate lunch in London...I think it was because she herself didn't want my Mum getting suspicious or having a go at either of us, as she would then have known we'd not eaten in over a day (was Friday morning she asked) ... I actually was glad for a split second that she too wasn't eating much. Then though, no it's not good, she needs energy. She tries to eat though - she did Friday before going out, and tried a sandwich and soup saturday...but it all comes back up :(

I don't know if I can cope. I'll see it all first hand in Spain, and really, won't sleep. I've offered her to stay at mine until Thursday (thus meaning even less sleep for me) ... because I don't like her being away from me, suffering alone. And I also couldn't give a shit about sleep at this time...

But she prob isn't up for it. idk. Would be nice though. I'd make my room like a camp :P and then like... we'd film things so i've memories, and we'd make smoothies like we'd planned for this weekend.. In an ideal world anyway.

Mum just came in, I have to eat tonight, she said she'd worked out i'd not eaten in 4 days as far as she could tell, and what would I eat.

I said soup.

That is all.

And she accepted that.

It's always my back up food on a fast :P

Anyway people keep entering my room, and they can see the screen - also I have said enough for you to be entertained for a wee while, so I'll shut up.

Stay strong, and be happy

Mucho Love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You know what? Fuck It.

Costa Indulgent Frescato's?

560calories on average each.

What the fuck.

Mango&passionfruit Frescato? 219calories.

I think the winner is obvious.

Emma and I did our little joke, Costa three times, one day.

2 indulgent Frescato's, one mango&passionfruit.

That's 1400calories worth of 'drinks'

What.The.Fuck.

That's why I say;

FUCK IT.

I'm fasting.

I'm telling myself (because i've no one to command me around)

That i'm fasting until next Wednesday.

When Emma and I are having a professional photoshoot (which my Mum paid for) done. It's in place of Jamaica, beause her condition worsened and that isn't feesable :/

I can't wait.

And I CANNOT look fat.

Those images are forever,

And are the most important photos of our lives.

I can't fail, and WON'T fail.

Fuck the old plan that lost me like a few lbs a week.

How the fuck will that help?

I'm so busy this week, I can get away with no fucking food.

The weekend,

May be an issue - away with Emma for a weekend. But fuck, if I can get away with it, I'm not eating.

What is allowed?

For Emma's sake; Mango&passionfruit Frescato's.

Fruit Shoots

Fruit Slurps (sainsburies brand)

Soup BROTH (not actual fucking soup)

WATER

Water + Squash (only 3 calories!)

Fizzy fruity water (5cals!)

Homemade fruit juices & smoothies (me and Emma plan to make some this weekend-so weekend only allowance on these)

DIET COKE

DIET energy drinks

Fuck it, any DIET drink.

Chewing gum (sugar free) is allowed.

And if one must eat? APPLE.

That is all.

OH,

And for fucks sake. NO HOT CHOCOLATE.

It's too damn fucking hot anyway.

Starving for perfection because I'm a FAT BITCH.

That's it, done. Wham bam thank you mam.

Starting 29/06/2010 - 7/07/2010

Only a fat arse couldn't cope with an 8 day fast.

Except wait...I am a fat arse.

Fuck it. I'll prove all fat arses wrong and show you CAN fast for 8 days. Dammit i've done 7 before.

Motivation is appreciated, because fuck it, everyone likes to read something to help inspire them. If you have something helpful to say, say it. Please.

I love you all, and have more followers now (yaya)

Who will most likely think i'm a bad mouthed fatty :/

And I apologize for the language :s

Bad days make me angry :( and finding out after drinking the Frescato's, just how calorific they are... sketched me out and made me insane :(

I hate this.

Stupid life :(

Fasting baby!

Stay strong :)

xox

Friggin' Awesome Weekend, Even Though Plans Changed!

Was going to go away with Emma for the weekend - but it's been changed to next weekend, as she had to go in to the hospital on Saturday morning :/

Friday - after that post, was when I found out we couldn't go, I think... and I ended up spending a really, really long time (3 or more hours - plus the 1 and a bit i'd already done) continuing to sort out and tidy my room, was coming along a treat, I must say :)

Anyway, Saturday, I woke up around 11.30am, which was actually quite lush. I haven't slept so long in a fair while (thanks insomnia, much appreciated) and I'd fallen asleep about 2.30am, so had around 9hours sleep. However, I woke up knackered. Like, seriously fucking exhausted. What is with that? You sleep longer then normal, and wake up more tired??

Human bodies make no sense :(

Anyway, Emma was at hospital, so I spent the day in my pajamas, after about an hour on computer, around 12.30ish I decided to crack on with my room - I had no energy, or will power to, but convinced myself it would develop if I started - I was right, and after;

1apple (100)

6strawberries(12)

I started, and spent three hours solid working on it.

And now, it has so much space. Its lushious - nokidding. I have a tonne of floor space, two huge boxes could be removed! :D

It makes me happy to be able to enter a tidy room...which mum hoovered while I was away this weekend :)

I was going to get round to doing it, and she beat me to it xD
I hate mess though.

But with so much art, and a hectic life. It had gotten a state. Now it's tidy i'm like, oh gosh I can't leave that on the floor, I must put that away, and I must sort out that before bed. Now i'm on top of it, I don't want to leave it to get messy and mean I have to spend another 8 hours of my weekend sorting it out!

Anyway, 7ish I had dinner;

Apple(100)

6strawberries(12)

2quornsausages(118)

half chicken style filet (23.5)

half normal amount of bacon style pieces (25)

Total:(278.5)

And the room tidying burns around 200cals an hour when intense (which it was, I built up a sweat!)

So yeah, all that was defo burnt off :D

Went to Emma's for about 8ish, we went to the park on the swings to see her brother and his mate, then had a diet coke at the pub, after contemplating milkshake, yet going for diet coke (yay less cals :D), then went for a walk, got sketched out cos we heard beeping, then rustling in the bushes :/...and quickly walking/jogging back to the pub, another diet coke was had... we played badminton and mucked around on the kids play equipment in the pub garden, went back to hers and chattted for agesss...

Played COD with her brother, then watched films - Step Brothers and ...I can't remember the other one haha.

They were really good though haha.

God I really wanna remember the other film now...ummmmmm...

*long pause to think*

.......................................

Nope....I'll tell you if I remember, but I just can't - my memory of the morning hours is always a blur.

We chatted some more while watching music channels, and decided to nap at 7am, waking up at 12.30, so that's 5 1/2 hours sleep...

We had an apple(100), then I went home at 1.30pm.

I had a nice shower, and got dressed etc, and at 4.30pm went out again, origionally I was going to go to Emma's work and keep her company, but she was sent home as they didn't need her.

So instead Emma, Nat, and I went to the beach :D, took a while to get there haha, but had music :D so I kept dancing in the back - you can burn an extra 800cals a day just fidgeting :O...

Then we got there, Emma and I paddled in the sea :P then us three chatted, had these small lemon cake things, like really small (80) they were nice, only had one each :)

But as I have said before, with Emma, I try to ignore cals and food etc. like, I don't want that to get in the way of us enjoying the little time we have left...

At hers on Saturday I had 2 packets crisps and 2 hobnobs (2*83)+(2*67)=300cals extra. But you know, I just didn't think about it...too much. It was on my mind, but I tried to shove it to the back.

But I make certain decisions to help make sure I don't gain or whatever, such as we had an ice lolly...Emma had a fab, Nat had a Magnum, I had a calippo, (100) but just frozen juice, so healthiest option possible.

We had chips, Nat was giving most to the seagulls, Emma wasn't too hungry and threw hers after eating some and throwing some (she really shows Ed signs sometimes :/ but it's cos of her illness tbh :/) ... and so I ate real slow, then when we got out the car, dropped loads, then threw most of them :) had about (200) altogether. I only counted the cake and chips as extra, (280) which really isn't bad,

Today totalled;

Apple(100)

quornsausage(59)and 3 strawberries before leaving(6)

Extras(280)

Really good day cal wise tbh :) -(445)

Under 500 :)

Went on a spinny ride :), and on the dance machine :D

Then back to beach for abit, before heading home, getting lost, breaking down, getting Nat's parents and uncle to come, sort out the car, and drive us home :P

Been on laptop of since, done a few push ups. Am wide awake, will turn internet of at 1am, in 20mins, then going to do some art work :)

Tomorrow, me and Emma are fulfilling a joke we have, of having a Costa Frescato for breakie, lunch and (early) dinner xD

And I don't care about cals. (I keep telling myself)

We're having the strawberry shortcake for breakie...indulgent one, not had it before ...

Double chocolate flake for lunch (has whipped cream),

Mango&Passionfruit for dinner (healthiest one lol)

They are all cold, none have milk in, all just some flavoured syrup and ice whizzed up?

So technically, a drink for each meal - lush xD

May have, an apple in the morning, and evening for fibre too.

That's it though. And i'll only count the apples (200)...

Will be walking alot too - to costa, to college, to costa, to college, to costa, to home xD

So all good. And will do an hour of exercise when home :D

And may go out too :)

Busy day, busy week ahead actually :)

So pretty awesome.

I love Emma :D

Haha :)

Urgh this Period bloating sure is getting to me now though :( ...i'm like 105lbs I think? Hate scales right now :(

Must crack down this week. Next week on Wednesday me and Emma are having a professional photoshoot of us :) should be an awesome memory. And we are away this weekend, will keep real active which is awesome. And are going to make loads of fruit smoothies we decided, and maybe bake cupcakes... tbh though with her condition she doesn't eat much, so avoiding food is easy, maybe smoothies and apples for the weekend? lol...

Anyways,

Stay strong!

xox

Woah! Hello Period? Where'd you come from?

Haha. Ok too much information I know...

But it's a month late?
Why now?

I want it gone, mann. Gone, gone, gone!

I don't want kids, I don't need to bleed a few days every months. No, no.

Why would anyone trust someone who can bleed for 4 or 5 days straight and not die?

Ha. Yeah I read that somewhere and it made me chuckle.

Anyways, I was so pissed off. It must be why i've been craving hot chocolate, surely.

Now I know why, I can change my waysss :D

Anyway, today was alrightt (technically yesterday as it's 1.30am on Saturday and i'm referring to Friday but hey-ho)

College was over and done with by 11ish - technically, half 11, but me and Emma left early to go to Costa :P

I had been to see my art tutor about my project, and he said it's very impactful, and my best work yet :)...it's on suicide and depression. Ha. I think I can make it really good...because I've got almost full on first hand experience - except the suicide things were only ever thoughts, obviously.

I'm too squeamish to try :/ and i'm glad, i've so much to live for it's stupid.

When you have a best mate, with no choice over living or dying, it makes you really think. I have the option to live, why take that away when Emma would kill to have the decision not to die?

I live for her now.

No one else.

I told her, when i'm a famous fashion designer (that's the dream anyway), I will dedicate a collection to her, and donate all the money to a heart charity of her choice, one that researches what is killing her.

It made her cry when I said that :/

Bless her little cotton socks.

We went to Costa, I let her choose what we had, when it comes to Emma, the last few weeks are so important, she comes before anything, including calories and weight loss. So we had the chocolate Frescato, with whipped cream.

And yes, it was delicious, and totally worth it.

Anyway, was nice to chat as usual before she got her bus and went to work. I walked home, and had to tidy my room, removing anything in my brothers room, back to mine, as he returned from uni today. I started shifting things to make room, only to realise, my Mum had already moved everything except a dress, and a tutu, back into my room.

However, I decided, since my room had been re-decorated a while a go, it's about time I knuckled down and actually unpacked things. So I spent 2 hours, in this sweltering hot weather, shifting boxes, throwing out things, sorting out clothes, putting a railing in my new cupboard, hanging up dresses etcetc. I was sweating from tidying - awesome way to get the heart rate up :)

At 3pm I had to walk and collect my neighbour from school. Yet again, I was sweating :/ this weather is so humid, it's ridiculous! I love heat, but without humidity! I babysat till 5pm instead of 6, and still got £10 :)

Emma texted, our weekend away is postponed to next weekend,

I tidied some more as I had free time.

Was asked if I wanted anything from the chippy, er...no.

Then had to sit, while they ate infront of me.

Omg my mum smacks her lips and crunches, and ewewew. I wanted to leave...but wasn't allowed :(...my brother wanted me to eat chips, but I avoided it :)

I'd eaten some soup in the morning, and then sorta cheated with icecream while babysitting :/ so no way was I eating chips!

I had two hot chocs this evening too! Damn fucking perioddd :( Grrr!!

Really not lost anything :(

Anyway, I am changing back to my old plan.

The one that worked.

With an hour exercise in the morning, then an apple/strawberries,

Then an hour exercise in the evening, then an apple/strawberries, and Quorn for protein.

And only cranberry Juice to drink,

I actually lost weight when I was doing this, it was slow but steady, and I actually was flunking on the exercise side of things, so if i'm more motivated, strict and persistent, i'm sure I can lose a fair bit :))

Because fasting on hot chocolate won't get me anywhere :P

Anyways, this insomnia is a bitch, but i'm not going to spend ages typing away about nonsense. I'm glad I have more followers though :))

And I am also glad to have a plan.

OHH and i'm real pleased I managed to update this today :) as the last few posts have all ended up days apart, and it's ridiculous at times!

Catching up on 7 days in one post, just isn't the same as a post dedicated to each day!

Anyway, I feel bloated and annoyed now, but now that I think about it...I did feel shit on a cruise at the beginning of the week, and said to myself 'dear god this feels like period pains', yet convinced myself it wasn't true....

Well, I was wrong :P haha.

Can't wait to lose it for good. Bring on 90lbs, or less! (84lbs = lush!)

Only a few weeks till Florida, need to be SKINNY!!

Stay strong :)

And don't be scared to break a current plan if it isn't working for you!

I know that sticking to the 25day fast just won't work for me right now.

And am not afraid to go to something I trust.

You aren't failing, you are just working with your body to achieve the best results!

Believe in yourself :)

xox

All or nothing?

Why is it all or nothing?

I either post continuously. Or not at all for days.

I mean, it's been 5 long days since I last posted. And now you are going to have to slave your way through a really, really long post. So I will attempt to keep it short.

Attempt meaning fail. And you will have an epic amount to read, because if you know me by now, I don't do these things half heartedly xD

Righttt, I guess I should start with Sundayyyy;

Day 1 of Liquid Fast;

13 calories; 2x5calDietEnergyDrinks, and 3cals of Squash+Water

I spent the entire day, from 11am to Monday morning 4am doing artwork. Solidly, with no stop, and Saturday night, I had also done artwork until 6am, falling asleep at 7am.

I asked my Mum to buy me the energy drinks simply because I would have been unable to of stayed fully concentrated while only on that meesly 5hours of sleep, which took insomnia pills for me to actually end up sleeping.

My insomnia is getting so bad nowadays :(

But I must admit, I got an impressive amount of artwork done! And was really proud of myself :)

Monday;

Ok I decided to switch to a liquid fast, doing only water, and things in water, was not going to happen, I was so exhausted and needed a pick me up - and I'm surprisingly determined to not get addicted to energy drinks, therefore hot chocolates ore officially allowed :)

495calories worth of hot chocolates only consumed today.

And no, i'm not beating myself up over the fact it's the dreaded hot chocolate. When you are as tired as I am, you really...really don't care. It's liquid, so that is all that matters :)

Anyways, not even that gave me energy, at college I was feeling faint, having constant headrushes and could not concentrate on anything at all :/...I looked drunk while I was walking! It was ridiculous...so at lunch time, after the critical assessment (involves us showing our work to the class etc), I went home - Mum picked me up around 1ish, I was not in a fit state to walk home :/

Took some pills when I got home, and slept till I think, around 6 or 7ish. I couldn't sleep without the pills though :/

Anyway in the evening went out for a drive with Emma, Li and E, because even though I was faint, I really couldn't be bothered to stay home to be honest, and besides, twas just sitting in a car :)

And I have to make the most of things...

Emma has 3 weeks :'(

....but I don't want to talk about that right now (although knowing me i'll refer back to it later in the post...)

Tuesday;

443 calories of hot chocolate with milk, water, and this fruit slurp thing (no that wasn't with hot chocolate lol)

Missed college completely as I was way, way too tired, and couldn't possibly get up, I had spent the entire night simply tossing and turning, really uncomfortable, and just...not slept. So I said fuck it, and stayed home. Took some pills again :/ and slept 9 till 12ish, I think, maybe 11...I can't really remember, my mind is pretty fucked at the moment....urgh :(

Anyway, then I did some art, before heading out for a cruise again laterr. We went to E's sat there for a while, and got really rather bored >_<. Eventually, E, Li, Emma, E's younger brother and I went to some park, we left the guys to go off and, ahem, smoke some weed, while we stayed in the car, with the keys ;)

Emma showed me how to drive :D, I mean, I can't do gear sticks...but hey, I can use the break, clutch and accelerator, and steer pretty well, she said she would easily trust me in a car :D...and when the guys came back, I breaked perfectly infront of them :), E was like 'no wayssss' xD haha.

We eventually dropped Emma off, then E's brother, then Li and E took me to Lily's house :) for 11.30pm,

M was there too, now what is my nickname for M? Ohh, yuss, MJ haha. Simple as that xD, anyways, MJ was there too, I told them about Emma's situation, and they were all hugs and sympathetic etc. which was sweet.

By 1am MJ was asleep (lucky biatch has conquered her insomnia), and Lily and I talked till 2am, when she then drifted off. I read a magazine till 3am, then tossed and turned in bed till 5am. Before, deciding that waiting till 8am for the alarm to wake the others up would drive me insane, and that walking 2 mins home, taking pills and sleeping there, was a much better idea. So I left a note, and went home, for about 5.20am. Asleep for 7am, awake at 12. 4hours sleep? Pathetic :(

Did artwork all day, as day off college, and then out in the evening.

This is wednesday by this point, and I went over board with calories; 858 of hot chocolate to be exact xD...

Anyways, still not beating myself up over it. Li and E picked me up, and we went to Emma's work (small pub with golf course lol), and kept her company, the drunkards were quite funny, but also creepy, asking about porn, and saying Emma and I were really flirty and attractive, she knows them all well though so was ok, but still - uncomfortable! Her manager was like, I can tell you are going to be beautiful and sophisticated when you are older because you have a nice facial bone structure (haha yusssssss my cheekbones are becoming more prominent xD woopwoop :D)....and I was like, haha thanks? E was all, when you're older? So you'll be the lushest 80 year old going ;) niceee :P haha.

The manager was all, you got a boyfriend? 'no' ... that's surprising! Haha, he asked if either E or Li was with me, I was like no... (E perhaps? - oh I wish haha)

Anyways, after that went home for just gone midnight - the guys went to the kebab house so Li could get chips first, and Emma walked 2mins home lol. Li knew I hadn't eaten in a few days and tried shoving the chips at me, I was like, er no ways xD. And avoided them, yay :D, also bumped into a mate of mine, and saw some funny drunk blonde, like 'ever got drunk and regretted everything you did that night? Yeah, for me tonight is one of those nights' hahah xD

Got home, went on laptop, battery died, took sleeping aid herbal thingys (not insomnia pills) and some honey in water (a remedy a mate suggested) and actually fell asleep by 2.30am. Now that was a nice achievement :)

Thursday;

Up at 7am. Promptly, was wide awake, like I'd not slept, but felt nicely refreshed :)

I've had 1000calories so far, urgh.

470 worth of energy drinks :/, the rest hot chocolate and half of this awful frescato at Costa...

Went to college today, wasn't too bad, but really boring, and had like a million people comment on my skinniness. Which is good but bad. Good because it means I am getting there, bad because it means they are noticing and worrying a bit :/ and will likely stuff me with food, or atleast try to :/

I went to the doctors...hoping they would give me some pills so I could sleep. Oh, no.

I went in there, with Mum (huge mistake) and she started asking questions;

Whats up?

I cant sleep,

Ok tell me when you do sleep,

6am, for a couple hours.

Whats life like?

Hectic,

Ok, how is your eating?

MUM - she rarely eats

ME - excuse me, I do eat, only this week have I been poor at it because I don't really eat when tired (had to repeat this statement several times)

Doctor to Mum - do you think she has lost weight?

Mum - Yes, a lot.

Me - It's only this week, I'm not normally this bad

Mum - you've never had normal eating habits. It's either ALL OR NOTHING.

I wanted to bitch slap my mother.

Doctor - doesn't sound like your eating habits are good, that won't help for starters.

Is college ok?

Yeah I have a lot of work, I do that when bored at night, or go on the laptop

Are you up to date?

Even after all that working, no not quite.

Ok, and parties, how often are they?

Every other weekend maybe?

Do you drink?

Yes.

How much?

At parties, minimum 1 bottle of vodka pretty much.

Wow, that's not good on an empty stomach.

*since when did I say my stomach was empty? Do not assume things, biatch*

I don't drink on an empty stomach. I said it's only this week i've been so bad because I don't eat when tired.

Ok, do you drink during the week?

No. i'm not a fucking alcoholic.

Smoke?

No. do I smell like smoke to you?
*doctors are so offensive*

Periods ok?

Yeah they're regular,

Once a month?

Yeah, that is what regular means, is it not?

How long for?

4-5 days.

Haha. As if i'm going to tell you that this months period was non-existent.

OK anything else bothering you?

Mum - you should tell her about Emma

Me - yeah my best mate is dying in 3 weeks I think subconsiciously that may have some part in this.

Doctor - wow, well, the life you have described is very chaotic.

No shit sherlock. That's why i'm like this.

Doctor - do you really think the work you get done for art that late at night is decent?

Yes, thank you. I can get a lot done. Are you doubting my artistic abilities?

Hm, i'm not too sure. Can you step on the scales please?

Mum - with boots off?

Doctor - No don't worry about those.

Thank fuck.

49kg.

The last time we weighed you was 3 years ago, I was 14. And 53kg. So you weigh less then you did when you were growing. Hahaha growing? Woman I'm a midget and stopped growing at like, 13.

*honestly, how reliable is it to compare weight now, to when I was a chubby 14 year old. Everyone is chubby when growing up. Big deal, I lost my puppy fat. Woop-de-doo (hehe)*

So you have lost a fair bit *in three years. THREE YEARS.

I think we need to check you for anemia.

I'm fine I take iron tablets.

And for thyroid. Yours is obvious *asks me to swallow to prove to Mum and student doctor in the room*, though it may be because you are skinny.

Anyway, you need a blood test.

No fucking way.

I'm not having any needles in me.

It's for your benefit.

No.

You are 17, you were brave enough to come here and talk about it, now make the grown up decision and go for the test.

Fuck off, Mum forced me here bitch.

I can't.

*shales head*

Long Pause.

You can have a cream to put on it, which in an hour will numb your arm and you won't feel a thing.

Do you not understand phobias, doctor? It's not the pain. It's the thought. Now keep your fucking needles to your fucking self.

You can go back to college, and come for an appointment later.

I left the room, Mum had a quick word (I hate that. What the fuck did she say to the doctor? I was too busy CRYING to listen in. Fucksake)

Went back to college, drew things to do with insomnia and eating disorders, bleugh, moaned about the doctors. Had 4 energy drinks,

Then after college went to Costa with Emma,

Missed my blood test at 3.30pm,

Mum phoned around 5pm via Emma as my phone was at home, and I said I had not gone, and explained the phobia, she said 'ok I suppose there isn't much I can do, it's your choice' which is good, I am fasting and they would notice a low oxygen level if they took a sample...

Anyway, I came home for 6ish, walked long way home uphill, and then been on computer since.

Woohoo. Got out of blood test :D

Though I fucking hated that doctors appointment and am not going back there again. She would probably keep an eye on my weight, be even more patronising and force a bloodtest to happen. I cannot deal with that right now.

Urgh. She was also stupid enough to be like, a routine is the solution. Start now.

Dinner at 6, shower at 7, art done by 10 (I cannot get all my art done by 10, how quick do you think I work, and how little do you think I have to do, when I am up till 6am and still NOT up to date? How fucking stupid are you?) ... bed for 11pm.

She is so stupid. That would do NOTHING. I would sit. For hours, bored out my brain, when I could be doing art or something. What a twat. Changing everything THAT drastically will NOT help.

BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED!!

Anyway, frustrating fucking day.

Hated it.

Bleugh, sorry, told you post would be long.

I'm also away this weekend with Emma, we are getting matching tattoo's that we both have designed, so that we have a connection when she is...gone.

I love her so much :'( ...

Stay strong,

Think strong,

Live, and Die Strong.

xox

All time low?

Well the Emma thing is getting to me, along with the being fat thing, the guy problem thing, the always making mistakes in my life thing, and every other thing that is going on :(

We were emailing last night (Emma and I) while she was staying over night at hospital - she was origionally planning to go into Hospital on Saturday (yesterday) for an operation, and I would've gone too. But instead, she was so ill, she stayed there Friday, but then returned in the morning - feeling equally as shit.

Seriously, that girl is so fucking strong. I actually think the only reason she came home was to do her art homework.

Who does that?? Lol.

Anyways, at midnight on Friday we were emailing, talking about everything, and we both made each other cry. After she went offline I was writing another email, and the thought that she could never be my maid of honour (if I got married), or a godmother to my kids (if I change my mind and want them), made me really cry.

About 2am I managed to go to sleep, after crying a fair bit :'(

These late nights, and insomnia are doing me no good; I look permanently tired, and exhausted. Team that with fasting, constant crying, and weightloss, and I look constantly ill.

My Dad told me I looked awful on Thursday xD

I went to town today - to get a present for my old neighbour (she is 14 now, I know - 3 years younger, but I knew her when I was 7, she was 5, and her sister, 6months, and back then the age difference never really mattered. It still doesn't - the only thing I can't talk to her about is sex, haha) ... anyway, when I was in town, I couldn't smile, at anything...I was just sad, and had watery eyes the whole time...I was listening to Te Amo, by Rihanna, and was in a generally sad mood. I got home, wrapped up the presents, wrote the card, and headed off - I walked to hers, which took 20mins, and ...still couldn't cheer up. She though something was wrong when I arrived at her party...

I cheered up eventually... but ended up bingeing. I was meant to be on a fast. Till Sunday, and I failed - stupid fucking BBQ.

I had; 2 spicy bean burgers (400), 2 meringues (40), 2 vegetable dunkers (120), 2 slices cake (180), some coconut thingy (160) a kitkat (107) and a chocolate bar (210)...

Binge total: 1217

Yes, could have been worse - but that was fucking bad enough :(

I'd already done badly enough having 2 small hot chocolates today. Fml.

Exercise I did?

2o mins walking there,

15mins running around playing games, minimum.

10mins walking back, 6minutes of running back home.

Walking to town and back - 2omins.

And I plan to exercise through the night...but its already almost 4am. So not much night left, and my brother and Dad are up at 5am to go fishing...that'll be funny. I'll be like 'morning!' haha.

I hate insomnia.

I should be doing art - perfect to catch up now, extra time. As i've loads to do - infact I will after this,

As I have spent the last, I don't know, 2 hours (?) designing a tattoo, which Emma and I are getting...it was my idea - so when she...goes...we have some connection, something both of us have on us, skin deep within us.

I told my parents, they didn't say yes...or no.

So I don't know,

My Grandad would despise it though. But the idea and concept means way to much to me then his opinion on the matter.

I want my ears pierced a second time, the tips of my hair dyed, some layers put int, my belly button done, and this tattoo... I really like the whole...scene thing? lol...the shape of this girls hair is what I want, I also want her legs!

That was todays thinspo for me :) too bad it didn't stop me bingeing. Fuck. Sake. I'm prob 104lbs now. EW.

I'm aiming for 6 stone now, that's 84lbs... 20 fucking lbs away. Urgh :'(

Anyway I took 4 paracetomol earlier, hoping the caffeine would I don't know...do something to help me digest this shit in me. And also I wanted to boost my insomnia, so I could do art xD

Omg, someone is awake going to the loo...

Must go! And do art...

Urgh.

Stay strong

...I'm starting a 25 day water fast today...

Wish me luck, and support me...pleaseeeeee!!!

xox

Fuck Up

Yus, that's me.

Why?

Because I haven't blogged in almost a week.

I have been out, fucking up my life.

And everyone elses.

I am out of control.

I binged yesterday. Just one day. But One day too many.

Life is tough, and now I'll fill you in on the details. After all, I need to make up for my absence somehow. A lengthy interesting blog sounds about good enough. Especially as I have 2 more followers; Hello, and welcome. I promise i'm not normally so poor at updating this blog. Hang in there, it will get better :)

Oh and yes, i'm brutally honest in everything I say, so please don't judge, I know my life is fucked up...it's my way of punishing myself, by doing stupid things. That and i'm a teenager, whose teenage life isn't fucked up?

Warning though - this is a fairly grown up post, so I don't want anyone too young reading it :/ but it's up to you lol, just alcohol, and sex is involved, so yeah...

Starting with Saturday, which was when my last post was,

Emma, Li, E and I went for a cruise, but Emma ended up, by about 9pm, feeling absolutely awful - stomach cramps and everything, which is part of the effects of her heart disease :( ... anyway while on the way to drop her home, E was asking when I'd need to be back - I said around 11pm, to which he protested and said it was too early, I said I'd have to stay somewhere to allowed out all night...his response? Stay at his. Emma said to do it...and tell my parents I was at hers. So that's what I did.

We cruised for a while, before parking in a carpark around 1am. Li was getting emotional because he quite liked Emma, and she had texted to say she wouldn't be out on any more cruises for a while - which is understandable...to me, as I know what's going on. Li on the other hand, doesn't have a clue, and automatically assumed the worst; that it was because of him. Now, admittedly Emma doesn't feel the same way, but she'd never act like that simply because a guy liked her.

Anyway, he got out the car, and started walking/running around the field, while E and I were left in the car. We had a lengthy chat, about Li and other things, and E ended up stroking my leg, and we were rather close. Now, this is hardly normal for a guy with a girlfriend, right?

Anyway, Li had a bottle of beer, and E and I decided to ask him to take us to E's - before the alochol kicked in and he ended up drink driving :/

He took us back for around 2am, but instead of staying too, he went for a drive, before returning home.

E and I were wide awake, and he decided the hot tub would be a good idea, and I must admit, it was a lush idea. We chatted for ages, admired the stars, and then ended up cuddled together, he commented on how skinny I was;

'You're just skin and bones' he said.

I smiled so much.

A few minutes later and we were kissing. Not because he'd said that, haha. But there was this connection, it felt so intense, it was surreal. One thing led to another, and well... we ended up having sex. To put it bluntly.

It was... breathe taking.

We went up to his room and shared his bed, which didn't impress his dad in the morning... but anyway, we had to get up around 8ish. And what did we do before getting up? Yeah, sex again.

Morning sex is lush though ;)

But I was so confused...he's...taken?

Anyway, we went to town to watch some victorian cricket day thing, with his dad, sister, and family friends (a mum, dad and toddler daughter - cannot remember their names haha)... then we headed back to E's after Li joined us.

E's family went off to Legoland with the friends, while E, Li, T (another mate of E's who turned up later) and I stayed at E's place. They were sorting out the trucks etc. and E showed me the landrover he was working on; he'd attached the doors the day before lol.

Eventually we got rather bored though, and headed off to a nearby river, we chose a secluded spot, with a patch of grass to sunbathe on, and where we were away from everyone. The 3 guys were in swimming trunks and braved the freezing cold water, with E's two dogs - Jazz and Bee, who we'd taken with us. I daren't brave the cold water, and did not want them seeing me in a bikini :/

Even though E already has lol.

I was home for 9.45pm on Sunday. Stupid parents.

Can't remember what I ate. If anything, an apple and some quorn. That's it, as that is the meal plan I followed the week before, and continued with. However I may have fasted? Or missed out the quorn. I don't know. I did well though every day except yesterday, so i'm not fussed that I can't remember the cals - with everything I ate, I know each day was under 400cals.

Monday;

Li, E and I went for a cruise, went to the local supermarket, bought some alcohol, and went back to E's. We waited until the family had gone to sleep, went in the living room and something drink, we watched 'The Men Who Stare At Goats' which is quite a good film, and then put on 'St Trinian's 2', which is also awesome.

Li fell asleep half way through St Trinians, I was sat next to him on the sofa, and looked up at E. He hinted for me to go sit next to him, which I did. And guess what, one thing...led to another.

Afterwards though...yeah -afterwards, he mentioned how he shouldn't do that, he has a girlfriend etc. so I started apologizing, all 'i'm sorry, i'm ruining things' blahblah. Even though the whole thing is both of our faults. He was all 'don't be sorry, you're a great friend, and you're gorgeous, but i'm taken, i'm sorry'...then was like 'actually my girlfriend said for me to tell you something when you came over' ...he showed me a text saying 'tell her you're my bitch ;)' as in, hinting that he is hers, not mine. Ha. Funny how he then said 'I couldn't be bothered to show you'... I was like, oh, okay? You're with your girlfriend, yet doing this...hm.

So anyway, morning came around and I had artwork yada yada, so went home, but as it was E's mate's birthday (otherE) they had decided to have a get together in the evening.

Initially they'd been all 'we're gonna go ice skating' but that changed, and after eating my dinner - some quorn with two pints of cranberry juice... I always sip between each bite... I had felt really ill, hot and sticky, like a fever was coming on, and had a nap - around 10pm I texted asking what on earth was going on, they said they were going to get wasted, I said 'don't drink my last WKD still at E's'...E then phoned me up and said 'i'm going to drink it' haha. Then they decided I should come along too. Within 10 minutes, I was up, ready to go, telling my Mum my mate was bored and wanted me to sleep over, that Li was driving me there because he was currently out cruising, and i'd see her in the morning...

I was picked up by Li, with E, otherE, and A. We went back to E's, pretended to not have any alcohol, waited for the family to go to bed, and then started drinking in the living room etc. OtherE and A are lightweights xD. We watched tv etc. and being guys they flicked through the Babe channels, urgh. I was like...nice...:/ ha.

But whatever, Li and OtherE fell asleep eventually, but A was wide awake, yet not...with it? The alochol had got to him. E was laying down behind me on the sofa... both of us a bit tipsy, thank you vodka and coke (not diet...ew. My alcohol intake and normal coke intake this week were disgusting) ... and we ended up having sex again...without A even noticing...

I feel disgusted. But kind of... I don't know, it's wierd. Because you feel like some wierd sense of ...something I can't explain. You're like, oh my god. I actually did that?? And without anyone noticing?? I'm so disgusting. Yet so totally hardcore. Haha.

No mention of the girlfriend this time either?

Anyway, morning came around, his family went out and we all chilled for a while, but the guys had college. So Li took them there, after popping to MacDonalds for breakfast - which of course, I resisted. After they went to college, Li drove me home so I could do some art work...and shower etc. lol.

Anyway it was now Wednesday, and that night was Ed's birthday BBQ. Emma and I had been told to be ready for 7pm. Yet 9pm rolled around with no news from the guys. Eventually by half past, Emma had been picked up, and then I was too. We headed to Co-op so Emma could buy us some alcohol - mainly for me, as she can't drink... then drove off and headed for the river spot, which is where we decided to camp and have a BBQ.

Li and left behind part of his tent. So for well over an hour, they were gone, Emma and I, were with A, otherE and another mate we didn't know - D. We were sat a little bit away from them, with vodka and DIET coke (yayy) ... and were having a burping contest - we were with guys after all, not like they would care :)

By the time E and Li arrived back, I was already tipsy. I don't remember much of that night.

I know that I argued with Emma. And remember shouting at her etc.

I remember that E joked saying I should eat meat. And being the stupid fool I am when I like a guy, I did what he said.

I'm vegetarian. And I ate steak and a sausage.

Needless to say I felt rather ill the day after...

Anyway drunk mistake - i'm still veggie.

I got told that I would also make drinks for him if he wanted it, and just do anything for him etc. I woke up in his tent. But Emma said I hadn't done anything with him, thank fuck. I don't want to ruin things even more.

I felt so rough on Thursday, we all got up and left pretty quickly, couldn't be arsed to hang around, and the army were nearby practicing shooting which sketched us out xD

Arrived back at E's, all the lads had bacon sandwiches. So...fucking..tempting.

But yeah, I still felt the vodka. Which was ew.

I had a binge day : (

While at E's I had 4 mini Mr.Kipling Lemon slices - 111calories each!

But that was nothing. Eventually at 2pm Emma and I got Li to drop us off home - after we'd been sat in the kitchen watching the lads in the garden, chilling, listening to music, free running, doing flips over tables etc. Wanting Li to take his top off so Emma could see his six pack i witnessed when at the river... lol. Then when they came inside E's mate who lives with him; otherA, came downstairs (he is gorgeous) so we ended up looking at him alot...and laughing all girly like xD lol...

Anyway, got home, had a shower, which was pathetically warm, but much needed! I hated feeling the vodka however, and had a toasted quorn sausage sandwich... butter on the toast, and ketchup. It was lush. But urgh. I made it to soak up the alcohol, and I triggered a binge.

Went to town, met up with Emma, went to college to print art work off. We found a good mate of ours - who i'll call Elle, there, she had been kicked out her house and explained to us how she hadn't eaten in 2 days (she normally eats fuck loads, and of course, isn't like me, so it was a big deal to her), and was just about to use up her last lot of baccy. She was broke too, and pay day is ages away for her.

Emma went and bought her more tobacco, and I ordered her a large dominoes, Vegetarian supreme pizza - she isn't veggie, but she loves that one. And ended up having three slices with the garlic and herb sauce myself. But resisted the last slice, so she could save it for later.

After that, Emma and I couldn't afford costa as planned lol, we walked to her bus stop, and a few mins before it turned up, my mate walked by, and as she lives up the road from me, we walked back together :)

I spent Thursday night at home, night time was a nightmare, I cried over Emma, I sent E and email of apology as I feared he would hate me, and I miss JB :(

I fell asleep, absolutely shattered by 1am, which is early for me. But I guess, sometimes, a whole week of being out constantly and barely sleeping, can even combat insomnia.

I slept in this morning...missed college :/

Did some art, met Emma for costa - had a summer berries one, they were out of Mango and Passionfruit :O... then went to pick up my neighbour, babysat her, did more art, and then been on computer ever since. I plan to get some sleep tonight, so I can do art tomorrow, and have energy to exercise.

I am also now on a liquid fast, till I reach 90lbs, or 84lbs (6stone) ... I just cba with this fat nonsense anymore.

Yesterdays binge included, meringue, biscuits, sweets, buttered toast with vegetable raveoli and cheese, and a cheese quorn escalope (that itself is around 300cals), ice cream a kitkat and fruit&nut chocolate bar...

Today, I had fruit juice, a frescato (juice whizzed with ice), a soup broth, and, because I went straight from a binge to fasting, and that's not easy, I allowed myself soup (250), tomato and red pepper, it's smooth, so no chunks, and counts as liquid.

Apparently on liquid fast yoghurt is allowed too, and sometimes people allow whipped cream and ice cream?

Seems wierd to me to allow those. Though Ice cream van ice cream...is bloody tempting.

I thought, how about I eat nothing. Like, just juice, soup broth and water. And the only food I can consume, is ice cream van ice cream. As they only come down our road once a week if you're lucky. Therefore I'd be like, food free :D but would have one exciting pick me up like once a week :)

But I don't think I could do that. A binge would be so likely to follow. Either that or just sheer guilt. The 5 bite diet - 2 chocolate bars a day, is also tempting.

Damn my sweet tooth. Haha.

Anyways, i'm knackered, and it's taken me several hours to catch up on everything.

Congratulations if you read all of this, you are one hell of a trooper. I only wrote so much so I would feel better, and updated. I doubt anyone will actually make the effort to read it all...

So please comment if you do...would be much appreciated... especially if you have any views on anything, it's been a hectic week, but don't judge me on my actions - I have told E that I want to be friends etc. but want him happy and I know he'll be happy with his ex, so in that sense i'm backing off etc and he forgave me :)

But anyway, fast fast fast :)

(Fast starting weight - 104lbs after binge of actual fat weight, I took of the food weight...I was 102lbs before!)

Stay strong

xox