Fuck Up

Yus, that's me.

Why?

Because I haven't blogged in almost a week.

I have been out, fucking up my life.

And everyone elses.

I am out of control.

I binged yesterday. Just one day. But One day too many.

Life is tough, and now I'll fill you in on the details. After all, I need to make up for my absence somehow. A lengthy interesting blog sounds about good enough. Especially as I have 2 more followers; Hello, and welcome. I promise i'm not normally so poor at updating this blog. Hang in there, it will get better :)

Oh and yes, i'm brutally honest in everything I say, so please don't judge, I know my life is fucked up...it's my way of punishing myself, by doing stupid things. That and i'm a teenager, whose teenage life isn't fucked up?

Warning though - this is a fairly grown up post, so I don't want anyone too young reading it :/ but it's up to you lol, just alcohol, and sex is involved, so yeah...

Starting with Saturday, which was when my last post was,

Emma, Li, E and I went for a cruise, but Emma ended up, by about 9pm, feeling absolutely awful - stomach cramps and everything, which is part of the effects of her heart disease :( ... anyway while on the way to drop her home, E was asking when I'd need to be back - I said around 11pm, to which he protested and said it was too early, I said I'd have to stay somewhere to allowed out all night...his response? Stay at his. Emma said to do it...and tell my parents I was at hers. So that's what I did.

We cruised for a while, before parking in a carpark around 1am. Li was getting emotional because he quite liked Emma, and she had texted to say she wouldn't be out on any more cruises for a while - which is understandable...to me, as I know what's going on. Li on the other hand, doesn't have a clue, and automatically assumed the worst; that it was because of him. Now, admittedly Emma doesn't feel the same way, but she'd never act like that simply because a guy liked her.

Anyway, he got out the car, and started walking/running around the field, while E and I were left in the car. We had a lengthy chat, about Li and other things, and E ended up stroking my leg, and we were rather close. Now, this is hardly normal for a guy with a girlfriend, right?

Anyway, Li had a bottle of beer, and E and I decided to ask him to take us to E's - before the alochol kicked in and he ended up drink driving :/

He took us back for around 2am, but instead of staying too, he went for a drive, before returning home.

E and I were wide awake, and he decided the hot tub would be a good idea, and I must admit, it was a lush idea. We chatted for ages, admired the stars, and then ended up cuddled together, he commented on how skinny I was;

'You're just skin and bones' he said.

I smiled so much.

A few minutes later and we were kissing. Not because he'd said that, haha. But there was this connection, it felt so intense, it was surreal. One thing led to another, and well... we ended up having sex. To put it bluntly.

It was... breathe taking.

We went up to his room and shared his bed, which didn't impress his dad in the morning... but anyway, we had to get up around 8ish. And what did we do before getting up? Yeah, sex again.

Morning sex is lush though ;)

But I was so confused...he's...taken?

Anyway, we went to town to watch some victorian cricket day thing, with his dad, sister, and family friends (a mum, dad and toddler daughter - cannot remember their names haha)... then we headed back to E's after Li joined us.

E's family went off to Legoland with the friends, while E, Li, T (another mate of E's who turned up later) and I stayed at E's place. They were sorting out the trucks etc. and E showed me the landrover he was working on; he'd attached the doors the day before lol.

Eventually we got rather bored though, and headed off to a nearby river, we chose a secluded spot, with a patch of grass to sunbathe on, and where we were away from everyone. The 3 guys were in swimming trunks and braved the freezing cold water, with E's two dogs - Jazz and Bee, who we'd taken with us. I daren't brave the cold water, and did not want them seeing me in a bikini :/

Even though E already has lol.

I was home for 9.45pm on Sunday. Stupid parents.

Can't remember what I ate. If anything, an apple and some quorn. That's it, as that is the meal plan I followed the week before, and continued with. However I may have fasted? Or missed out the quorn. I don't know. I did well though every day except yesterday, so i'm not fussed that I can't remember the cals - with everything I ate, I know each day was under 400cals.

Monday;

Li, E and I went for a cruise, went to the local supermarket, bought some alcohol, and went back to E's. We waited until the family had gone to sleep, went in the living room and something drink, we watched 'The Men Who Stare At Goats' which is quite a good film, and then put on 'St Trinian's 2', which is also awesome.

Li fell asleep half way through St Trinians, I was sat next to him on the sofa, and looked up at E. He hinted for me to go sit next to him, which I did. And guess what, one thing...led to another.

Afterwards though...yeah -afterwards, he mentioned how he shouldn't do that, he has a girlfriend etc. so I started apologizing, all 'i'm sorry, i'm ruining things' blahblah. Even though the whole thing is both of our faults. He was all 'don't be sorry, you're a great friend, and you're gorgeous, but i'm taken, i'm sorry'...then was like 'actually my girlfriend said for me to tell you something when you came over' ...he showed me a text saying 'tell her you're my bitch ;)' as in, hinting that he is hers, not mine. Ha. Funny how he then said 'I couldn't be bothered to show you'... I was like, oh, okay? You're with your girlfriend, yet doing this...hm.

So anyway, morning came around and I had artwork yada yada, so went home, but as it was E's mate's birthday (otherE) they had decided to have a get together in the evening.

Initially they'd been all 'we're gonna go ice skating' but that changed, and after eating my dinner - some quorn with two pints of cranberry juice... I always sip between each bite... I had felt really ill, hot and sticky, like a fever was coming on, and had a nap - around 10pm I texted asking what on earth was going on, they said they were going to get wasted, I said 'don't drink my last WKD still at E's'...E then phoned me up and said 'i'm going to drink it' haha. Then they decided I should come along too. Within 10 minutes, I was up, ready to go, telling my Mum my mate was bored and wanted me to sleep over, that Li was driving me there because he was currently out cruising, and i'd see her in the morning...

I was picked up by Li, with E, otherE, and A. We went back to E's, pretended to not have any alcohol, waited for the family to go to bed, and then started drinking in the living room etc. OtherE and A are lightweights xD. We watched tv etc. and being guys they flicked through the Babe channels, urgh. I was like...nice...:/ ha.

But whatever, Li and OtherE fell asleep eventually, but A was wide awake, yet not...with it? The alochol had got to him. E was laying down behind me on the sofa... both of us a bit tipsy, thank you vodka and coke (not diet...ew. My alcohol intake and normal coke intake this week were disgusting) ... and we ended up having sex again...without A even noticing...

I feel disgusted. But kind of... I don't know, it's wierd. Because you feel like some wierd sense of ...something I can't explain. You're like, oh my god. I actually did that?? And without anyone noticing?? I'm so disgusting. Yet so totally hardcore. Haha.

No mention of the girlfriend this time either?

Anyway, morning came around, his family went out and we all chilled for a while, but the guys had college. So Li took them there, after popping to MacDonalds for breakfast - which of course, I resisted. After they went to college, Li drove me home so I could do some art work...and shower etc. lol.

Anyway it was now Wednesday, and that night was Ed's birthday BBQ. Emma and I had been told to be ready for 7pm. Yet 9pm rolled around with no news from the guys. Eventually by half past, Emma had been picked up, and then I was too. We headed to Co-op so Emma could buy us some alcohol - mainly for me, as she can't drink... then drove off and headed for the river spot, which is where we decided to camp and have a BBQ.

Li and left behind part of his tent. So for well over an hour, they were gone, Emma and I, were with A, otherE and another mate we didn't know - D. We were sat a little bit away from them, with vodka and DIET coke (yayy) ... and were having a burping contest - we were with guys after all, not like they would care :)

By the time E and Li arrived back, I was already tipsy. I don't remember much of that night.

I know that I argued with Emma. And remember shouting at her etc.

I remember that E joked saying I should eat meat. And being the stupid fool I am when I like a guy, I did what he said.

I'm vegetarian. And I ate steak and a sausage.

Needless to say I felt rather ill the day after...

Anyway drunk mistake - i'm still veggie.

I got told that I would also make drinks for him if he wanted it, and just do anything for him etc. I woke up in his tent. But Emma said I hadn't done anything with him, thank fuck. I don't want to ruin things even more.

I felt so rough on Thursday, we all got up and left pretty quickly, couldn't be arsed to hang around, and the army were nearby practicing shooting which sketched us out xD

Arrived back at E's, all the lads had bacon sandwiches. So...fucking..tempting.

But yeah, I still felt the vodka. Which was ew.

I had a binge day : (

While at E's I had 4 mini Mr.Kipling Lemon slices - 111calories each!

But that was nothing. Eventually at 2pm Emma and I got Li to drop us off home - after we'd been sat in the kitchen watching the lads in the garden, chilling, listening to music, free running, doing flips over tables etc. Wanting Li to take his top off so Emma could see his six pack i witnessed when at the river... lol. Then when they came inside E's mate who lives with him; otherA, came downstairs (he is gorgeous) so we ended up looking at him alot...and laughing all girly like xD lol...

Anyway, got home, had a shower, which was pathetically warm, but much needed! I hated feeling the vodka however, and had a toasted quorn sausage sandwich... butter on the toast, and ketchup. It was lush. But urgh. I made it to soak up the alcohol, and I triggered a binge.

Went to town, met up with Emma, went to college to print art work off. We found a good mate of ours - who i'll call Elle, there, she had been kicked out her house and explained to us how she hadn't eaten in 2 days (she normally eats fuck loads, and of course, isn't like me, so it was a big deal to her), and was just about to use up her last lot of baccy. She was broke too, and pay day is ages away for her.

Emma went and bought her more tobacco, and I ordered her a large dominoes, Vegetarian supreme pizza - she isn't veggie, but she loves that one. And ended up having three slices with the garlic and herb sauce myself. But resisted the last slice, so she could save it for later.

After that, Emma and I couldn't afford costa as planned lol, we walked to her bus stop, and a few mins before it turned up, my mate walked by, and as she lives up the road from me, we walked back together :)

I spent Thursday night at home, night time was a nightmare, I cried over Emma, I sent E and email of apology as I feared he would hate me, and I miss JB :(

I fell asleep, absolutely shattered by 1am, which is early for me. But I guess, sometimes, a whole week of being out constantly and barely sleeping, can even combat insomnia.

I slept in this morning...missed college :/

Did some art, met Emma for costa - had a summer berries one, they were out of Mango and Passionfruit :O... then went to pick up my neighbour, babysat her, did more art, and then been on computer ever since. I plan to get some sleep tonight, so I can do art tomorrow, and have energy to exercise.

I am also now on a liquid fast, till I reach 90lbs, or 84lbs (6stone) ... I just cba with this fat nonsense anymore.

Yesterdays binge included, meringue, biscuits, sweets, buttered toast with vegetable raveoli and cheese, and a cheese quorn escalope (that itself is around 300cals), ice cream a kitkat and fruit&nut chocolate bar...

Today, I had fruit juice, a frescato (juice whizzed with ice), a soup broth, and, because I went straight from a binge to fasting, and that's not easy, I allowed myself soup (250), tomato and red pepper, it's smooth, so no chunks, and counts as liquid.

Apparently on liquid fast yoghurt is allowed too, and sometimes people allow whipped cream and ice cream?

Seems wierd to me to allow those. Though Ice cream van ice cream...is bloody tempting.

I thought, how about I eat nothing. Like, just juice, soup broth and water. And the only food I can consume, is ice cream van ice cream. As they only come down our road once a week if you're lucky. Therefore I'd be like, food free :D but would have one exciting pick me up like once a week :)

But I don't think I could do that. A binge would be so likely to follow. Either that or just sheer guilt. The 5 bite diet - 2 chocolate bars a day, is also tempting.

Damn my sweet tooth. Haha.

Anyways, i'm knackered, and it's taken me several hours to catch up on everything.

Congratulations if you read all of this, you are one hell of a trooper. I only wrote so much so I would feel better, and updated. I doubt anyone will actually make the effort to read it all...

So please comment if you do...would be much appreciated... especially if you have any views on anything, it's been a hectic week, but don't judge me on my actions - I have told E that I want to be friends etc. but want him happy and I know he'll be happy with his ex, so in that sense i'm backing off etc and he forgave me :)

But anyway, fast fast fast :)

(Fast starting weight - 104lbs after binge of actual fat weight, I took of the food weight...I was 102lbs before!)

Stay strong

xox