All time low?

Well the Emma thing is getting to me, along with the being fat thing, the guy problem thing, the always making mistakes in my life thing, and every other thing that is going on :(

We were emailing last night (Emma and I) while she was staying over night at hospital - she was origionally planning to go into Hospital on Saturday (yesterday) for an operation, and I would've gone too. But instead, she was so ill, she stayed there Friday, but then returned in the morning - feeling equally as shit.

Seriously, that girl is so fucking strong. I actually think the only reason she came home was to do her art homework.

Who does that?? Lol.

Anyways, at midnight on Friday we were emailing, talking about everything, and we both made each other cry. After she went offline I was writing another email, and the thought that she could never be my maid of honour (if I got married), or a godmother to my kids (if I change my mind and want them), made me really cry.

About 2am I managed to go to sleep, after crying a fair bit :'(

These late nights, and insomnia are doing me no good; I look permanently tired, and exhausted. Team that with fasting, constant crying, and weightloss, and I look constantly ill.

My Dad told me I looked awful on Thursday xD

I went to town today - to get a present for my old neighbour (she is 14 now, I know - 3 years younger, but I knew her when I was 7, she was 5, and her sister, 6months, and back then the age difference never really mattered. It still doesn't - the only thing I can't talk to her about is sex, haha) ... anyway, when I was in town, I couldn't smile, at anything...I was just sad, and had watery eyes the whole time...I was listening to Te Amo, by Rihanna, and was in a generally sad mood. I got home, wrapped up the presents, wrote the card, and headed off - I walked to hers, which took 20mins, and ...still couldn't cheer up. She though something was wrong when I arrived at her party...

I cheered up eventually... but ended up bingeing. I was meant to be on a fast. Till Sunday, and I failed - stupid fucking BBQ.

I had; 2 spicy bean burgers (400), 2 meringues (40), 2 vegetable dunkers (120), 2 slices cake (180), some coconut thingy (160) a kitkat (107) and a chocolate bar (210)...

Binge total: 1217

Yes, could have been worse - but that was fucking bad enough :(

I'd already done badly enough having 2 small hot chocolates today. Fml.

Exercise I did?

2o mins walking there,

15mins running around playing games, minimum.

10mins walking back, 6minutes of running back home.

Walking to town and back - 2omins.

And I plan to exercise through the night...but its already almost 4am. So not much night left, and my brother and Dad are up at 5am to go fishing...that'll be funny. I'll be like 'morning!' haha.

I hate insomnia.

I should be doing art - perfect to catch up now, extra time. As i've loads to do - infact I will after this,

As I have spent the last, I don't know, 2 hours (?) designing a tattoo, which Emma and I are getting...it was my idea - so when she...goes...we have some connection, something both of us have on us, skin deep within us.

I told my parents, they didn't say yes...or no.

So I don't know,

My Grandad would despise it though. But the idea and concept means way to much to me then his opinion on the matter.

I want my ears pierced a second time, the tips of my hair dyed, some layers put int, my belly button done, and this tattoo... I really like the whole...scene thing? lol...the shape of this girls hair is what I want, I also want her legs!

That was todays thinspo for me :) too bad it didn't stop me bingeing. Fuck. Sake. I'm prob 104lbs now. EW.

I'm aiming for 6 stone now, that's 84lbs... 20 fucking lbs away. Urgh :'(

Anyway I took 4 paracetomol earlier, hoping the caffeine would I don't know...do something to help me digest this shit in me. And also I wanted to boost my insomnia, so I could do art xD

Omg, someone is awake going to the loo...

Must go! And do art...

Urgh.

Stay strong

...I'm starting a 25 day water fast today...

Wish me luck, and support me...pleaseeeeee!!!

xox