All or nothing?

Why is it all or nothing?

I either post continuously. Or not at all for days.

I mean, it's been 5 long days since I last posted. And now you are going to have to slave your way through a really, really long post. So I will attempt to keep it short.

Attempt meaning fail. And you will have an epic amount to read, because if you know me by now, I don't do these things half heartedly xD

Righttt, I guess I should start with Sundayyyy;

Day 1 of Liquid Fast;

13 calories; 2x5calDietEnergyDrinks, and 3cals of Squash+Water

I spent the entire day, from 11am to Monday morning 4am doing artwork. Solidly, with no stop, and Saturday night, I had also done artwork until 6am, falling asleep at 7am.

I asked my Mum to buy me the energy drinks simply because I would have been unable to of stayed fully concentrated while only on that meesly 5hours of sleep, which took insomnia pills for me to actually end up sleeping.

My insomnia is getting so bad nowadays :(

But I must admit, I got an impressive amount of artwork done! And was really proud of myself :)

Monday;

Ok I decided to switch to a liquid fast, doing only water, and things in water, was not going to happen, I was so exhausted and needed a pick me up - and I'm surprisingly determined to not get addicted to energy drinks, therefore hot chocolates ore officially allowed :)

495calories worth of hot chocolates only consumed today.

And no, i'm not beating myself up over the fact it's the dreaded hot chocolate. When you are as tired as I am, you really...really don't care. It's liquid, so that is all that matters :)

Anyways, not even that gave me energy, at college I was feeling faint, having constant headrushes and could not concentrate on anything at all :/...I looked drunk while I was walking! It was ridiculous...so at lunch time, after the critical assessment (involves us showing our work to the class etc), I went home - Mum picked me up around 1ish, I was not in a fit state to walk home :/

Took some pills when I got home, and slept till I think, around 6 or 7ish. I couldn't sleep without the pills though :/

Anyway in the evening went out for a drive with Emma, Li and E, because even though I was faint, I really couldn't be bothered to stay home to be honest, and besides, twas just sitting in a car :)

And I have to make the most of things...

Emma has 3 weeks :'(

....but I don't want to talk about that right now (although knowing me i'll refer back to it later in the post...)

Tuesday;

443 calories of hot chocolate with milk, water, and this fruit slurp thing (no that wasn't with hot chocolate lol)

Missed college completely as I was way, way too tired, and couldn't possibly get up, I had spent the entire night simply tossing and turning, really uncomfortable, and just...not slept. So I said fuck it, and stayed home. Took some pills again :/ and slept 9 till 12ish, I think, maybe 11...I can't really remember, my mind is pretty fucked at the moment....urgh :(

Anyway, then I did some art, before heading out for a cruise again laterr. We went to E's sat there for a while, and got really rather bored >_<. Eventually, E, Li, Emma, E's younger brother and I went to some park, we left the guys to go off and, ahem, smoke some weed, while we stayed in the car, with the keys ;)

Emma showed me how to drive :D, I mean, I can't do gear sticks...but hey, I can use the break, clutch and accelerator, and steer pretty well, she said she would easily trust me in a car :D...and when the guys came back, I breaked perfectly infront of them :), E was like 'no wayssss' xD haha.

We eventually dropped Emma off, then E's brother, then Li and E took me to Lily's house :) for 11.30pm,

M was there too, now what is my nickname for M? Ohh, yuss, MJ haha. Simple as that xD, anyways, MJ was there too, I told them about Emma's situation, and they were all hugs and sympathetic etc. which was sweet.

By 1am MJ was asleep (lucky biatch has conquered her insomnia), and Lily and I talked till 2am, when she then drifted off. I read a magazine till 3am, then tossed and turned in bed till 5am. Before, deciding that waiting till 8am for the alarm to wake the others up would drive me insane, and that walking 2 mins home, taking pills and sleeping there, was a much better idea. So I left a note, and went home, for about 5.20am. Asleep for 7am, awake at 12. 4hours sleep? Pathetic :(

Did artwork all day, as day off college, and then out in the evening.

This is wednesday by this point, and I went over board with calories; 858 of hot chocolate to be exact xD...

Anyways, still not beating myself up over it. Li and E picked me up, and we went to Emma's work (small pub with golf course lol), and kept her company, the drunkards were quite funny, but also creepy, asking about porn, and saying Emma and I were really flirty and attractive, she knows them all well though so was ok, but still - uncomfortable! Her manager was like, I can tell you are going to be beautiful and sophisticated when you are older because you have a nice facial bone structure (haha yusssssss my cheekbones are becoming more prominent xD woopwoop :D)....and I was like, haha thanks? E was all, when you're older? So you'll be the lushest 80 year old going ;) niceee :P haha.

The manager was all, you got a boyfriend? 'no' ... that's surprising! Haha, he asked if either E or Li was with me, I was like no... (E perhaps? - oh I wish haha)

Anyways, after that went home for just gone midnight - the guys went to the kebab house so Li could get chips first, and Emma walked 2mins home lol. Li knew I hadn't eaten in a few days and tried shoving the chips at me, I was like, er no ways xD. And avoided them, yay :D, also bumped into a mate of mine, and saw some funny drunk blonde, like 'ever got drunk and regretted everything you did that night? Yeah, for me tonight is one of those nights' hahah xD

Got home, went on laptop, battery died, took sleeping aid herbal thingys (not insomnia pills) and some honey in water (a remedy a mate suggested) and actually fell asleep by 2.30am. Now that was a nice achievement :)

Thursday;

Up at 7am. Promptly, was wide awake, like I'd not slept, but felt nicely refreshed :)

I've had 1000calories so far, urgh.

470 worth of energy drinks :/, the rest hot chocolate and half of this awful frescato at Costa...

Went to college today, wasn't too bad, but really boring, and had like a million people comment on my skinniness. Which is good but bad. Good because it means I am getting there, bad because it means they are noticing and worrying a bit :/ and will likely stuff me with food, or atleast try to :/

I went to the doctors...hoping they would give me some pills so I could sleep. Oh, no.

I went in there, with Mum (huge mistake) and she started asking questions;

Whats up?

I cant sleep,

Ok tell me when you do sleep,

6am, for a couple hours.

Whats life like?

Hectic,

Ok, how is your eating?

MUM - she rarely eats

ME - excuse me, I do eat, only this week have I been poor at it because I don't really eat when tired (had to repeat this statement several times)

Doctor to Mum - do you think she has lost weight?

Mum - Yes, a lot.

Me - It's only this week, I'm not normally this bad

Mum - you've never had normal eating habits. It's either ALL OR NOTHING.

I wanted to bitch slap my mother.

Doctor - doesn't sound like your eating habits are good, that won't help for starters.

Is college ok?

Yeah I have a lot of work, I do that when bored at night, or go on the laptop

Are you up to date?

Even after all that working, no not quite.

Ok, and parties, how often are they?

Every other weekend maybe?

Do you drink?

Yes.

How much?

At parties, minimum 1 bottle of vodka pretty much.

Wow, that's not good on an empty stomach.

*since when did I say my stomach was empty? Do not assume things, biatch*

I don't drink on an empty stomach. I said it's only this week i've been so bad because I don't eat when tired.

Ok, do you drink during the week?

No. i'm not a fucking alcoholic.

Smoke?

No. do I smell like smoke to you?
*doctors are so offensive*

Periods ok?

Yeah they're regular,

Once a month?

Yeah, that is what regular means, is it not?

How long for?

4-5 days.

Haha. As if i'm going to tell you that this months period was non-existent.

OK anything else bothering you?

Mum - you should tell her about Emma

Me - yeah my best mate is dying in 3 weeks I think subconsiciously that may have some part in this.

Doctor - wow, well, the life you have described is very chaotic.

No shit sherlock. That's why i'm like this.

Doctor - do you really think the work you get done for art that late at night is decent?

Yes, thank you. I can get a lot done. Are you doubting my artistic abilities?

Hm, i'm not too sure. Can you step on the scales please?

Mum - with boots off?

Doctor - No don't worry about those.

Thank fuck.

49kg.

The last time we weighed you was 3 years ago, I was 14. And 53kg. So you weigh less then you did when you were growing. Hahaha growing? Woman I'm a midget and stopped growing at like, 13.

*honestly, how reliable is it to compare weight now, to when I was a chubby 14 year old. Everyone is chubby when growing up. Big deal, I lost my puppy fat. Woop-de-doo (hehe)*

So you have lost a fair bit *in three years. THREE YEARS.

I think we need to check you for anemia.

I'm fine I take iron tablets.

And for thyroid. Yours is obvious *asks me to swallow to prove to Mum and student doctor in the room*, though it may be because you are skinny.

Anyway, you need a blood test.

No fucking way.

I'm not having any needles in me.

It's for your benefit.

No.

You are 17, you were brave enough to come here and talk about it, now make the grown up decision and go for the test.

Fuck off, Mum forced me here bitch.

I can't.

*shales head*

Long Pause.

You can have a cream to put on it, which in an hour will numb your arm and you won't feel a thing.

Do you not understand phobias, doctor? It's not the pain. It's the thought. Now keep your fucking needles to your fucking self.

You can go back to college, and come for an appointment later.

I left the room, Mum had a quick word (I hate that. What the fuck did she say to the doctor? I was too busy CRYING to listen in. Fucksake)

Went back to college, drew things to do with insomnia and eating disorders, bleugh, moaned about the doctors. Had 4 energy drinks,

Then after college went to Costa with Emma,

Missed my blood test at 3.30pm,

Mum phoned around 5pm via Emma as my phone was at home, and I said I had not gone, and explained the phobia, she said 'ok I suppose there isn't much I can do, it's your choice' which is good, I am fasting and they would notice a low oxygen level if they took a sample...

Anyway, I came home for 6ish, walked long way home uphill, and then been on computer since.

Woohoo. Got out of blood test :D

Though I fucking hated that doctors appointment and am not going back there again. She would probably keep an eye on my weight, be even more patronising and force a bloodtest to happen. I cannot deal with that right now.

Urgh. She was also stupid enough to be like, a routine is the solution. Start now.

Dinner at 6, shower at 7, art done by 10 (I cannot get all my art done by 10, how quick do you think I work, and how little do you think I have to do, when I am up till 6am and still NOT up to date? How fucking stupid are you?) ... bed for 11pm.

She is so stupid. That would do NOTHING. I would sit. For hours, bored out my brain, when I could be doing art or something. What a twat. Changing everything THAT drastically will NOT help.

BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED!!

Anyway, frustrating fucking day.

Hated it.

Bleugh, sorry, told you post would be long.

I'm also away this weekend with Emma, we are getting matching tattoo's that we both have designed, so that we have a connection when she is...gone.

I love her so much :'( ...

Stay strong,

Think strong,

Live, and Die Strong.

xox