Yesterday and Today ;)

Firstly, Beautiful Bloggers Award?

I...

Can't find a word to describe how happy that makes me :)

I know it's nothing much,

But to me, it means the world, it reminds me people do read my crap xD

And reassures me they enjoy doing so ;)

Therefore I would like to thank you;

RaiinbowAna,

For giving me that award :)

Yesterday:

Well, after my last post, where I had freaked from the meringue etc.

I had one of the most wierdest nights of my life.

I don't know what was wrong with me.

The sugar gave me a high -

After all, i'd lived off quorn and fruit/veg for days, and processed sugar went straight to my head,

And decided I didn't want to stop being so awake,

I took 4 paracetamol.

They have 65mg caffeine per one, I don't even know how much that is, probably nothing though. But still, the caffeine aided the sugar rush.

I was shaking.

Even when cold, or nervous, my hands are as steady as a rock.

Not that night, oh no...shake, shake, shake.

I could've shaken marracca's for a festival and never tired of it!

I mimed my favourite songs, while dancing as quietly as possible, and admiring my collarbones in the mirror,

I realised I was wasting time,

And did art work...

I got so many sketches done (will have to put some pictures up sometime)

All to do with love, and heartbreak (was for research for art)

And, considering the circumstances (late at night, shaking, on a wierd high) they came out pretty damn good...

My day had been wierd, after JB on Wednesday had reminded me of my ex; by smoking rollies.

And I hadn't texted him all day.

I just - couldn't?

I texted E.

Someone who went to my primary school and have only recently started talking to.

And it was wierd.

Things got rather, flirty.

Idk.

I wasn't sure it was right, I felt like I was cheating on JB, by flirting?

Normally i'll flirt anyway ;)

I'm awful like that... don't judge me, it's not anything obvious, or forward.

It's the cute looks with the eye, the body language, and talk etc. The normal stuff we girls do naturally...

He fell asleep though.

I didn't text for 20 mins. and he fell asleep.

Then I gave up on art, I was running out of things to do...

I listened to my ipod, watched a video to a song; MVP - Bounce, shake, move, stop! which I had put on it, but not yet seen. Was ok I guess.

I carried on listening to music. Got kinda bored really, lay down for a while, eyes wide open.

Was around 4am I started thinking more.

'Hate that I love you' came onto my ipod.

And well, along came the ex thoughts...

I can't take them sometimes.

And that night was one of those times,

I didn't think of anythin but him.

I cried,

So hard.

Silently in the dark.

Before, after months of not doing it,

I scratched

(my method of harming)

Like a chicken scratch, but 10x worse.

The scab is so ugly,

I couldn't stop,

It didn't hurt,

But felt good. Fucking. Good.

At the time.

After, I clicked, shouted at myself in my head, why the fuck had I done that?, I metaphorically gave myself a slap round the face, went downstairs (was 5am) washed it, put cream on it, and plastered it up.

I'm not proud of it.

Everyone knows where I do it, and it's obvious, (on the thumb join bit on the hand)

I've never bothered hiding it, and I don't mention it.

Except to people really close to me.

And I only mention it, to apologise for doing it.

I hate it.

I don't like that it is a release,

And I'm ashamed.

And I'm sorry.

After that, I read Vogue.

I love that magazine, I really do.

Then I did my make up, all pretty and wonderful.

Made me feel good.

Bloating had gone down from the meringue too.

7am, I closed my eyes and listened to my music. Was like a I had half drifted to sleep.

Alarm 8:00am,

Alarm 8:30am

Alarm 9:00am

ALLARMM OFF.

Got up, at 9am.

It was Friday, and I had not properly slept.

When downstairs,

Breakfast;

(RaiinbowAna you'll love this)

2 Quorn sausages ;)

And a cinnamoned apple,

Had a shower, walked to town, took at £100, walked home, gathered together £250, walked up the road to my mates, gave his Dad the money...

(in July i'm off to Florida with 5 mates, and one mates parents, his Dad is arranging it all, and that was the last of it paid off)...

Walked home, walked to the other end of town to the park, about 1.5mile walk (power walked),

Met up with mates there, and sat the whole time, knackered, tired, exhausted. Watching my kinda unattractive guy-friends play football. Would've been better if they were hot, much nicer to look at ;)

Walked a friend home for 4:30pm, walked to Boots to meet Emma, (1 mile), walked to costa (took two mins ha), had a lovely chat with Emma, then we walked to mine (20mins)...

I got changed, and we walked to my mates house (S, whose party was last week)...

Had planned a film evening, with us 3, J, O and C, the guys from the party last week who carried me to the car...

They turned up at S's drunk. Urgh.

S got out some vodka, peach snapps and orange juice.

I tried to drink it, and almost vomitted.

It's going to be a while until I can stomach alcohol again that's for sure.

Anyway, highlight of the evening? Wooden spoon fight, and walking home.

That evening was kinda crappy, not worth talking about, it annoys me how those 3 are unable to turn up to anything sober. Played truth or dare, dared O to peck S on the lips. He did. He was wierd drunk, angry and mad. Not caring at all, always swearing. Was really drunk, bad drunk. Upset S, she likes him alot, and he was all over Emma, which freaked her out, he tried to kiss her 3 times, looked like a goldfish with his mouth wide open, she screamed first time he tried. Ha.

But yeah, nothing else interesting. J walked me home, had a nice chat.

He is so skinny, barely eats; he 'eats to live, doesn't eat to live'

Like one of the people on Supersize Vs Superskinny, food just comes second to everything, but he doesn't actually have an eating disorder.

I'd love that. Skinny because you don't think about food.

Not stuggling to lose weight because I can't stop thinking about it.

Urgh.

Anyway.

Today:

Well. What can I say.

I love my Dad.

He spoke to me about Emma, he told me how he feels, and how he wants to do something for her.

How he's going to pay for Emma and I to go on holiday, anywhere.

I cried from happiness.

She came over at 5ish, till 11ish (taken home at midnight),

And I told her, after asking her holiday destinations (so she came up with them without thinking about money)

If it's all feesable, and insurance etc. is ok,

(and i've mentioned this all to Dad)

Then, next month,

We are going to Jamaica.

My head hasn't quite got around that fact yet.

But it's, well...

BLOODY AMAZING!

Is around, £1,200

For us both, not each.

I can't believe it.

My Dad, is truly, Amazing.

And I want to cry from thinking about it :')

I'm tired now, but quick food update;

Friday - 2 Quorn sausages, cinnamoned apple, then 2 more apples (one at S's - after avoiding chocolate and cake, also avoided crisps at the park)

Calories - (118+300=418)

Today - Apple, 2 quorn goujons, 2 quorn gilets, 2 more apples (300+114+94=508)

Really not doing bad, can't wait for next weeks plan though,

I feel hungry.

But i'm going to bed, its 1:30am.

Might text E.

I texted JB eventually on Friday, said Thursday had been wierd.

Idk.

JB is being short with me now. Texted him today, didn't last long.

He was out Friday night, and tonight/last night.

So he was busy getting fucked.

He's lovely, but if much more alcohol passes his lips, he is gonna get even bigger.

And fuck that.

I hate fat.

He is borderline acceptable, and I adore his personality most of the time.

And please don't take that the wrong way - I hate fat.

Not fat people.

They can be so lovely, and I admire their self confidence.

But I can't get..ya know, physical with someone too big, it grosses me out :/

....urgh, and E has a six pack.

Not helping.

Anyway, if you bothered to read this, and get this far, then thankyou,

And good night,

Stay strong

xox