Serious Catchup

I've done it again! Been crazy busy and not blogged!

Tuttuttut to me! And my last post was the day before starting a fast! Which I'm still on! And coping ok withh :)

Tuesday;

Well i'd been up most of the night doing art work, and was completely knackered by morning and in desperate need of CAFFEINE. Silly ol' me thought hey, paracetamol has caffeine in ;) ...

I took 4 paracetamol's, and drank 4 and a 1/2 diet drinks... Holy Moly.

Did I get energy?

No.

Wtf? Instead I felt SO ill, was dizzy, faint and couldn't concentrate, and was still insanely tired! I think there was 1 moment of about 30seconds of energy where I simply tapped my fingers a lot? Well, I am wierd... The day was ok at college, but my art teacher drove me mad, saying do this, do that, why aren't you getting on with work, find some energy and do something productive..etc. I swear on my life I could've hit that women. I prefer the male teacher who is also my tutor and actually understands the shit I go through, and accepts I have insomnia. Rather then her, who thinks I can muster up energy from NO where? Yeah so not gonna happen - she could see the energy drinks, so it was obvious I was trying, not my fault it didn't work! Emma hadn't slept either :/ and we were just dead to the world, the teacher asked us to come move tables to different classrooms, we went for a long walk, went to the toilet, then returned and moved one table - that's all we could manage xD. We went to a nearby town after college - were meant to look round some University thing at college (they'd all come and set up tables so we could get prospectus's etc.) but we couldn't be bothered, so Emma's mate Nat came and picked us up (she can drive) and we went off to a big shopping center in a town about 30mins away. Emma suggested I went home, but a fun evening out and plenty of walking ;) was what I needed. We spent atleast 3hours walking sollidly, did plenty of shopping - although I was only looking not buying (knowing that I'd take Mum there soon to buy stuff for Florida, I knew there was no point wasting my own money :P)... then went to the cinema. By which point they'd already made a stop at McDonalds and using the 'I feel ill from earlier still' excuse, I avoided all food, and had a diet coke. At the cinema, I continued with the excuse, along with 'I'm not hungry' (because I had perked up a little) to avoid popcorn, and again, have a diet coke. Thank goodness diet cokes exist :). The film was Street Dance 3D, if you have it at a cinema near you, WATCH IT. It's so awesome :))

When I got home - we left after the film at around 8ish, I had a desire to dance, dance, dance. Even though the weather was roasting still... the film had put me in that mood. So I danced in hotpants and a croptop, intensely for half an hour, before doing 300 situps. I was sweating like a pig xD and then had a lush, cold shower! Which was soooo good :))... that was it for the night really, and I was exhausted!!

Wednesday;

College again, but only from 10.25-12.25, which really isn't too bad :), I can't quite remember, but I have a feeling Emma and I had a Frescato before hand as well - would've been a Mango&Passionfruit one if we did...after discovering the calories in an indulgent one... I couldn't possibly have another. And OMG but they have changed their menu, the Frescato's come under the name of Fruit Cooler's now, and the summer berries is Red Berry, Mango&Passionfruit is thankfully the same, and there is now a Lemonade one (but I can't remember it's name lol)...the indulgent ones are called like, Iced Desserts or something, and there is no Caramel crunch, but a Vanilla ice drink or something is on another part of the menu that I think is it's replacement... only chocolate and strawberry ones still exist, I think. It's confusing, and the colourful menu doesn't match the deep red hue of the cafe, and the old ish atmosphere it projects. The colourfulness of the 'What do you feel like today' board thingy just does NOT match. It's not right, it's not...Costa! Gutted much :( haha. ANYWAY, college was average as usual, Emma had work at 1ish, we may have grabbed a Costa before that too - I can never remember, might have been then and not morning, or morning and no then? See this is why I should write on the day... Anyway, got home and Mum decided it was the only free day I would have to go Florida shopping, so went back to the shopping centre, bought some nice things - I got some lush boots for myself, peep toe, brown, high heeled, with a chain on, looked a little cowboyish as the tops were curved... Mum bought me some shorts I've wanted for AGES - Soulcal, blue and white horizontal stripes, very beachy, very lush - need to lose a bit first though, as very short, and skinnier legs look better in them! A slightly see through, very light, patterned top, that you can throw over a bikini, or wear on a hot day, some denim shorts (Primark) they say size 8, and are tight - i'm a six, so they must be a size between 4 and 6 (ha a size 5 then lol) so almost a size 0! And I can squeeze them on ;)...that's a point, need to try on the size 0 jeans again, see where I'm getting on that side of things... anyway, also got 3 pairs of dolly shoes, black pair, peach pair, and denim coloured pair :) all lush. A new big bag was bought as well, and I can't remember if we got anything else, haha. Oh, actually a ring, the says love on it, its gold, and the 'o' is a heart with little jewels in :) looks real sweet lol. After shopping I went to Emma's work and kept her company :), she finished at 9pm, I got there like 5ish, the drunk guys (she works at a pub) were funny, and her mate who likes me came to see us. Emma, me, him and his two friends, went to the park, then back to the pub/golfcourse to wait for my mum, was quite funny, we walked off and pretended to whisper about them, when instead we were listening to them - talking about us xD, lol... one said he'd give me a go ;) haha. God :/ I hate guys sometimes xD. Anyway Mum turned up at 10.30pm and I went home :)

Thursday;

Our art teacher had told us about a New Designer exhibition in London, and gave us permission to miss college to go to it, and told us we could go anyday we wanted when it was on. Emma and I picked Thursday, when it was a full college day, it was amazing. Up early, she arrived at mine for 8am, dropped her stuff off - she was sleeping over that night and didn't want to carry things around - and went to Costa ;)... Mango&passionfruit :), got to train station for 9am, train at 9.15, then went to London :D ... found our way using the tube to get to Islington and explored the exhibition which was stuff from all different Uni's, they currently had a lot of fashion and textiles (illustration and graphics is this upcoming week), and each student put business cards by their work - they were so pretty, I loved looking at work, took notes, sneaked one picture in (photos were not allowed haha) and collected an entire handbag of business cards :P meaning i've now lots of pretty card to collage with whenever I want :D ... We spent atleast 3hours walking around that before heading off. We explored Islington, then went to Euston and explored there - we had a Costa ;)... 3rd one of the day as at Waterloo we had had a lemonade one :P... Anyway, we then went to Camden, looked around one of the smaller markets - couldn't find the main one, before heading for Waterloo, and then going to the Thames, walking up and down that. The mime artists there were hilarious :) and this guys made us friendship bracelets that matched, he said we were lovely and could pay however much we wanted - but after we'd already spent a fair bit, we had nothing! I had bought dungarees (short ones) at Camden, and was broke, and Emma only had a bit, so when normally he charges 7 or 8 quid per one (rip off! they are just thread...though vveryy pwwetttyy :P), we could only give £4 altogether :P hahaha. He was lovely though, then we headed back to the station, after managed to scrape together some money for plasters - stupid new shoes :( ... and went home :)... back to mine for 7ish, Mum had offered to give us a lift from the station, I said no :) was like 30min walk and I was taking advantage after already walking so much :D... mum and dad went to my parents evening and Emma and I just chilled :)...

We spent the whole night up, watched Confessions of a Shopaholic, New Moon (which i'd not seen before, and it is purely AMAZING) and The Proposal, which I love :)... around like, 5 or 6ish am, Emma was at her worst :/, chest pains and agony :(, we just hugged her throught the pain, it was horrible :(

Friday;

College...urgh. We had Costa beforehand, and walking there was fine, getting there and doing art - was not. I was at the computer literally falling asleep on the spot...and after an hour Emma said I should go home, I said ok as long as she did NOT walk me home - I didn't want her wasting her time and energy on that. So she said alright, I got home and slept from 11.30 till 2. Got up, and went to pick up my neighbour to babysit her 3 till whenever, turned out to be only 4.30, 5ish when her mum AND dad returned which was early and a bit odd lol. Anyway, I then went back home to pack, with the intentions of later leaving for a weekend away with Emma.

Her brother's car broke, and we couldn't leave that night.

And yes, I went a bit crazy. EVERYTHING got to me, my brother was suggesting driving us, my Mum didn't realise I was in the other room (although she was talking so loudly I could have heard anywhere in the house) and said where we were meant to be going - near Torquay - and started talking about me when I was RIGHT THERE. Only with my brother pointing out my existence did she shut up. She was saying it's too late to go now blahblah, and well I went mad, had a go because all mum could think about was time. TIME, TIME, TIME. And well. Emma doesn't HAVE any fucking time. I cried, so much. Ran upstairs, and cried some more. Screaming infact, hitting the wall, hitting my head on the door, shouting about how she shouldn't die etc. It was a real release, scary ...but a release. I eventually calmed down and was about to curl up and sleep, but Emma texted, Her E and Li were coming to get me so we could go out. I was glad, I did NOT want to be at home... I perked up after a while, although was origionally clear i'd been crying, and Li wanted to know what was up. He and E then got burger and chips, which I resisted, before going for a drive. E moved his chair back so I couldn't move and fell asleep - he'd been drunk on vodka and the tiredness stage had hit him haha. Emma got worse, and didn't talk, she showed me a text saying why - she needed to cough up blood. So I asked Li if we could go home (saying it was to do with curfew) and I got back midnight, as E woke up haha. Anyway, I fell asleep and slept till 10ish on Saturday.

Saturday;

Plans originally had been to go up to Torquay at 9am, as the car had been fixed (though if it hadn't, mum would've taken us) ... but mum and I got a text explaining Emma had been up all night being sick and coughing up blood, she wasn't up for going, and as her parents were away at a wedding, she was staying at her aunts somewhere. So I went back to sleep... Then spent the day doing art.

She thought she was a disappoinment and it took so long to persuade her she wasn't - I care more for her health then a holiday, and atleast her she is near people who can help, rather then just me, 3 hours away from any family, who panicks at the slightest thing. She got worse though...

Sunday (today);

Emma explained she woke up in hospital this morning. She'd passed out from lack of blood :( and I'm spending the day in bed because I can't be bothered to move. I spent last night doing art till 3am. I have spent the last 2 days guzzling down hot chocolate because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and in this state I needed it. Last night I ate too much whipped cream, felt ill, and decided that is it, no more.

And today I have only had cranberry juice.

Ok sorry I had to add that in, as most of you read this for ED things too.

My fast is going strong, I suppose whipped cream shouldn't count, but it is just, whipped liquid, so for my sanity, I count it. I'm on day 6 and I don't want to stop ever, tbh. Times are tough and i've not even thought about food. I keep busy and it doesn't cross my mind at all. I exercise as much as possible - do 100crunches everynow and then, and can feel the strain, meaning muscle should build soon, I would like to be real skinny, with a cute little 4pack, or 6pack. Not some manly hench looking thing, but something cute and like, impressive. My thigh gap is permanent, small, but permanent, and my once tight size 8 skinnies are too big for me. Thinning wise, life is good, i'm in control, and just, ignore food. Mum put two pieces of garlic bread next to me yesterday. Which I left. Dad came home and started wolfing some down, no one else wanted more, I then said he could have mine, but he didn't eat it all. Later on mum was sat there, with garlic bread next to her, and was slowly making her way through them - I don't think she finished the lot, but atleast mine was gotten rid of :)

Becomes so easy now, she mentions food etc. says 'have you eaten?' 'should I cook for you?' - response being that i'll sort myself out lol. Even Emma had said to my Mum that we ate lunch in London...I think it was because she herself didn't want my Mum getting suspicious or having a go at either of us, as she would then have known we'd not eaten in over a day (was Friday morning she asked) ... I actually was glad for a split second that she too wasn't eating much. Then though, no it's not good, she needs energy. She tries to eat though - she did Friday before going out, and tried a sandwich and soup saturday...but it all comes back up :(

I don't know if I can cope. I'll see it all first hand in Spain, and really, won't sleep. I've offered her to stay at mine until Thursday (thus meaning even less sleep for me) ... because I don't like her being away from me, suffering alone. And I also couldn't give a shit about sleep at this time...

But she prob isn't up for it. idk. Would be nice though. I'd make my room like a camp :P and then like... we'd film things so i've memories, and we'd make smoothies like we'd planned for this weekend.. In an ideal world anyway.

Mum just came in, I have to eat tonight, she said she'd worked out i'd not eaten in 4 days as far as she could tell, and what would I eat.

I said soup.

That is all.

And she accepted that.

It's always my back up food on a fast :P

Anyway people keep entering my room, and they can see the screen - also I have said enough for you to be entertained for a wee while, so I'll shut up.

Stay strong, and be happy

Mucho Love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx