Urhghnndnaoiiuuuhghgh bloated :(

Been an alright week, except for failing at blogging. AGAIN.

Life is so hectic :(

Monday;

College! Woopwoop.

Yeah. Because that's a whole load of fun isn't it? Really?

I mean the only bonus of college is it's distracting, and food can be avoided, easily. I actually did ok Monday, it was good.

Tuesday;

Well, I went to college, arrived late at beginning of break time, stayed outside, decided sunbathing with Emma would be fun, and stayed sunbathing until lunch time - missing both lessons, was damn good chatting to her :)

Emma was then leaving to go to work - missing the last lesson, so I left too, with my Mum actually - she gave me a lift, I'd been faint on my feet, and walking home seemed like an impossible task - moment one of many weak moments to come.

Arrived home, and didn't really do anything constructive for a few hours... was really rather lazy, waiting for my mum.

Wolfing down soup. And ice cream...soup&icecream...Soup. AND. Ice Cream. WTF?

Wierdest mixture ever...DON'T DO IT.

For two reasons; 1. Calories, fat, fat, fat. 2. Makes you feel ill the next day :(

Mum arrived home, and took me to Emma's work, where I stayed from 5ish, to 9pm. It wasn't that busy, only some old men came in to the pub, most interesting person was (we shall call him) Franky, and he seems lovely. Not the most attractive guy, but really not bad at all :)

He is definately interested in Emma though!

It's depressing though...not as though she'll ever have another serious relationship...:'(

She's going to miss out on so much :(

After work, we went to the park and chatted,

She told me about the Will she had written, how much she has given me, and her generosity is outstanding, I wanted to cry, and just couldn'.

I can't infront of her because I can't show weakness...I just can't. She needs my strength.

I cried once though,

She has asked me to do a reading at her funeral :'(

I said yes, no idea what I shall say, but I will pour out my heart and soul because I love her so much.

We talked about so much, and hugged a lot. It was so emotional, I just wanted to cry at the beautifulness that is the way in which we are able to speak so freely about the situation.

Sound stupid? Well it's not, if we couldn't speak to each other about this, we'd be in more pieces then we are at the moment. It means we don't feel alone :)

I was out till 10.30pm before mum came to pick me up, came home and did nothing lol...

Wednesday;

Best day of the week, well and truly.

Photoshoot day in London

At 8am Emma arrived at my house, with flowers for my mum (how cute!),

We caught a train around 9, on the journey I gave Emma a little chinese looking purse from my Dad (I had one too and had resisted opening it since he gave it to me at midnight the day before), we opened them and found necklaces with dog tags on (well they're that shape anyway) a silver chain, with our initials on... we almost cried, especially when later, we found out my Dad had spent a week making them himself... (he really amazes me sometimes!) .... eventually we arrived in Waterloo over an hour later ... we then took the tube to Oxford Circus. My Mum on the underground is annoyingly hilarious, it's funny how much she panics, and bloody annoying that she has to check every little thing, while I knew exactly where to go.

Things started when we arrived, we were sat down, and our hairstylists came over and gave us a talk about how we wanted it done. I thought layers would be nice, but as my hair is SO long, it's also quite fair/fine...so apparently layers wouldn't work. Bleugh.

Anyway, I got a massaging chair, which was so wierd! Like it moved up and down your back...was so relaxing though, and when applying conditioner, the hair stylist massaged our heads...which felt SO good.

I then had literally not even an inch cut off the tips, and the fringe, because I trust no one with my hair, and wanted it still uber long :D... it was then curled, the fringe was a bit odd, but I didn't mind in the end lol, it's only the way she dried it - normally it would be ok, and it is ok actually (i'm typing this, the day after, and it's been washed since, and fringe looks good again)... I freaked in my head though... my hair on my head looked really sparse in places :/...and like...I was worried as haird dressers can tell ANYTHING to do with diet, smoking, drug habits etc. from your hair :/... (was worried she could tell my eating habits weren't good) ... and like, even though I curl my hair with straighters for parties, I just panicked that she would over heat my hair and it would fall out....:/ meh.

Emma just had her hair shaped and straightened, as it is full of volume, and therefore if it were to have curls would look like a serious afro haha (it's naturally curly so would end up HUGE lol)... it looked really really nice once all done :)

We then went down stairs, filled in a sbeet so that they had an idea what style we were going for - make up wise (we had not worn make up there, so were desperate to get some on xD) ... I had brown smokey eyes, with eyeline on the top, and bottom, and black falsh lashes... she also filled in my eyebrows a little bit, added bronzer on my cheeks, used foundationa and lipgloss.

Emma had mascara, foundation, bronzer and purple smokey eyes,

We both looked quite lush :) and I actually liked myself for a day, especially after all the fasting :P

Thennnnn photo time!

Our photographer was awesome haha. Really funny and comfortable to be around. We had different backgrounds - stairs, some big circle cut out a of wall, that you can sit in, a fancy bit with wallpaper and a sofa, and random boards with fabric, wood (wood patterned fabric) etc. on the walls so you can stand in front of them.

We had photos done individually and together, and had such a laugh :)

Catching one bit on camera of Emma being photographed :))

So I can watch it lol, random but it was so nice having footage of her smiling :)

In fact, that day was the most i've seen her smile in a long time, and I know it was because of the fact photos were being taken, but still...smiling makes you happy :)

Woah i'm getting tired...just mistook a guitar case for a person, and i'm making so many typos - just changing them and making them right... though here is me not altering the typos;

I actually am unebelieveavle tired, it's so stupied :( urgh seei nt that sentence, and this one, ive already made loads of istakes! Urh thats so annoyin g, my fingers just feel unnattached fro my hands, its horriblne! My eyes are droping...but ive more to wrie....must go on! And sort out all y typos as i go!

It's only 2am. lol. though i only had 2 hours sleep last night :/

ANYWAY. Photos were AWESOME. I actually felt, and sorta looked...skinny. I mean, not skinny enough, but still...to other people looking, who have a different view... I was skinny ;) haha.

The photographer is setting up his own studio, and has asked me back for test shots! I will do them free, but hopefully it will be the start of a modelling career?

I don't know...would be awesome though! Just height lets me down a tad (5ft3) but that just tules out catwalk, which I'm cool with not doing lol - after all I am going to be a fashion designer, I won't need to model catwalk, when I can design catwalk ;) and walk up/down the catwalk at the end like all designers do :P

But yeah, photographer said I was comfortable behind the camera (surprisingly was, and really enjoyed being center of attention ha...), anyway he said I have potential, so who knows eh :P

After that we chose photos - all on disc (costs a bomb, cheaper to get disk with us owning the copyright and being able to have all the copies in the world made that we want, then it was to get them as prints, where we Don't have copyrihgt...and they are 5 by 8 inches...which isnt that big :/

We got two of both of us, six of Emma, and six of myself :)

We walked around oxford a bit, and headed home after mum had a baguette, and we had iced smoothies (me - mango, Emma - strawberry and banana)

And after we went into body shop with little free pots saying we could have that much (the pot size) of a sample of any product lol Body Shop body butters are LUSH. The like, orange or mango one is nice, and the grapfruit and passionfruit (I think) one is gorgeous! lol

Once we arrived home, we went in the living room, watched films, looked at the pictures etc. were going to go out with the lads, but that didn't happen in the end. In fact, E and his mate T turned up (after and hour and half of me saying no we couldn't come out) at like half 11, so I invited them into the living room, making them leave at 12, after noticing how much pain Emma was in (only obvious when you know the signs)...

She was in agony, had been digging her nails into her arms and everything :( so I made her hold my hand and squeeze, which she hated, so I'd hug her etc. eventually sat with her arms round me so she couldn't reach her arms to dig nails in, and at 6am we fell asleep lying with arms round each other.... for two hours, till 8am. Which is the most sleep Emma has had in a week at least.

And the day before Mum made up some fruit for us. Emma kept down.. 1 strawberry. I ate the rest of the fruit, plus extra mango and cherries later (craving :/) to keep mum happy, and said Emma dn I split the food half and half...because she didn't want to let my mum down, so I ate them as though she had ...it was only fruit.... until I craved chocolate and ate boxed chocolates, kitkats and smarties :(... ew. Fatfatfat.

Thursday;

College lessons cancelled exept 2-3pm lesson which only 4 people went to - not including me and Emma haha. We stayed home, watched films (Fame - the new one, which isn't bad lol, I'd say 3 stars...) then she said she wanted to try food. Everything was her choice; pringles, pot noodle and ben&jerrys.

Calories and fatfatfat.

But sorry to say, a dying best mate come first.

However, led to a day long binge. After Emma went home at 4ish feeling ill, I had falafels with sauce, and pizza toasttt.... ewness.

I tried purging after... got up some saliva with food in. That's it... I did 300 situps/crunches then gave up. Washed my hair and went on computer.

I'm going to do 2 days fasting, on third day have salad&quorn. Two day fast, salad&quorn, etc. i've got 9 days till my holiday. I MUST look GOOD. and skinny. Because right now i'm fucking HUGE. And feel disgusting :(....

Emma threw up the food we ate once she got home, and brought up blood too.

She'd been losing a lot of blood tonight, and it's my fault for trying to get her to eat...

She thinks she won't make that night. How can I sleep now?

She isn't texting back.

Is this it?

:'(

I can't even type more then that.

Thing is I don't want to sleep.

(and not just because i've soooooo much art to do...)

But because I want to wait for a text.

Yet.

I'm so fucking tired. I might just sleep.

Say I forgot my art.

or something...

I don't know

Can't think now actually.

Or type tbh.

Night night

I dunno if I've missed out anything.

Cba with calorie counting, today was way to appaulling.

But i'm gonna change now.

Like I said earlier.

Not changing tomorrow, changing NOW

Stay strong

xox