I have no excuse...

No real, decent excuse for not posting.

No insanely outrageous story,

Nothing elaborate to tell you why I have been slacking.

Just a simple,

Well,

I just haven't been.

I've been sunbatheing.

Sunburning [ouchie]

Thinking [a lot of Shit]

Watching Youtube [Ana documentaries]

Fasting [awfully; Fucking.Hot.Chocolates]

And,

Not much else.

Keeping busy [house chores 'Woo!' *saracasm*]

Mum is teaching all this week, she sometimes has days off, or days where she is supply teacher, but not this week, they are pushing her this week.

I feel bad for her, she asked me to do a few chores, to help her out. So that's what i'm doing. I know I hate my parents sometimes. But, deep down, I do still love them.
Besides,
Chores burn calories and keep me busy away from food.

To be honest,

Perfectly honest,

That's my main reason for doing them,

Not to help.

But to burn calories.

How pathetic.

I hoovered too, not for long, it's so tediously boring.

But it was punishment, for coming home late on Sunday - returned home from a cruise with JB at 10:30pm, not 10:00pm. Wow. It's like I committed a crime, I think, I think I should be arrested, and put in prison for a couple of years, not just made to hoover. I mean, hoovering, that's not severe enough for what I did. I was a whole half hour late. That ladies and gentlemen, deserves a criminal record.

Yes.

I'm in a sarcastic mood tonight,

Oh goody.

I can't remember if I posted about Sunday.

Lame.

Have I really slacked that much with posting? Fuck.

Hm.

I'll just check.

Yes I posted Sunday.

No, I didn't post Monday, or Tuesday, or today till now.

Slacker.

Fat.

Arsed.

Slacker.

Urgh :(

Well Monday,

Breakfast;

1 Wheatabix + milk (131)

2 egg whites (28)

Lunch;

Salad (lettuce, tomato, cucumber) (30)

2 Quorn sausages (118)

Tai sweet chilli dip (15)

I did the washing up, and some hoovering (oh hell yeah) and then headed to town for 1:30pm. I met up with Emma :)

We went to Costa, to have a Frescato, they only had the indulgent options (caramel crunch, double chocolate and strawberry something-or-other [shortbread?]) ... erm. Maybe not.

Went to nero's.

Had mango and passionfruit 'iced drink'

They're shit. Just really cold juice, with ice. So watery. Like, more watery then juice. Wtf?

Emma insisted on paying as well, as I bought her Costa the other day, I feel bad. Like she wasted her money on what was frankly, a really shit beverage. Oh well.

We went to the park, and sat on a bench talking for agesssss.

I got sunburnt,

BAD.

It hurts so much. Just on shoulders and top of back. But real painful. I have to moisturize constantly. And I can tell you, it is NOT an easily reachable place!

Anyways, at 4pm we headed to Sainsbury's,

I had to buy J more birthday chocolate,

After eating the stuff I bought her on Saturday (fuck me and my stupid comfort eating binge)

She paid me £2.27 that night, to eat popcorn i'd spilt on the floor.

The chocolate cose me £2, in effect she paid for more chocolate. Ha.

Can't believe I ate that popcorn.

I = Fat Arse. Fatty fatty fat fat.

Anyway, we went to the bus shelter. And waited for Emma's bus. Arrived at 4:45pm instead of 4:30pm, oh well, I had bought Vogue with the Galaxy (milk+cookiecrumble), so we had that to read.

Then I headed of home,

Did nothing, sunbathed again, but covered up the burn.

Ate 9pm, gave in to hunger (I am always shit the day after bingeing - but atleast I didn't, well, binge)

Salad again (lettuce, tomato, cucumber) (30)

2 quorn sausages (118)

Tai sweet chilli dip (15)

I have just read back over my last post.

And;

I HAVE ALREADY WRITTEN ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

I'm SO STUPID.

SORRY.

But it will be a waste of my time if I delete it now.

I shall just move on to Tuesday,

Home alone, used the ab wheel thing again for 1/2 hour,

Didn't do much else,

Computer, Sunbathed, for an hour on my front, covering the sunburn. Burnt back of legs, went inside did a bit of art, sunbathed on my back, didn't burn. I used suncream - how clever of me. And I covered my face - this was actually clever, as it would normally burn so bad and I would be pink faced for days (BAD look)

At 4pm my Grandparents came over. They had locked themselves out of their house, which is well over an hour away. Gotten a bus somewhere else where a second car of theirs is stored. Then driven, another hour, to ours to pick up the spare key we have. Ha.

They then left, and I went to my room, onto my computer.

Well, by 9:30pm, I was in an awful state, and attempted to go to sleep.

Again, I had my ex on the brain. Well and truly. On.The.Brain.

Could not stop thinking of the memories,

The fact he had said he would take me Jet skiing in summer (and well, recently it would have been perfect weather for that)...

It was killing me, really was.

I even texted him; 'Are you free/able to text? X'

Unsurprisingly, he did not reply. But I was ready to say ;We need to talk.

And have that discussion we should have had months ago.

I need some answers,

Some conclusion,

Some input.

I need something,

And I need it now.

He is my drug, and I am having withdrawal symptoms, and I seriously want to relapse.

Love sucks without him.

I was drained last night.

My mood shrivelled.

JB could tell, and got worried, I said don't worry, he said 'but I do, it's hard not too :('

He's sweet.

But still.

I didn't fall asleep till 11:30pm. Damn early for me. But not good when I'd been trying to sleep for 2 hours.

Had some wierd dream of running round some large school, through classrooms, talking to school kids, getting lost...seeing a play and secretly running out because it was boring, etc. Was wierd, really wierd.

Don't know what it means.

Anyway,

Today.

Woke up quarter to eleven,

Watched tv. Had cranberry juice, went on computer.

Weather was shit.

And cold :(

I hate cold weather when fasting, i'm even colder.

Did 1/2 hour on ab wheel, plus 100 sit ups.

Gave in to hot chocolate, with whipped cream.

I tell myself, whipped cream, its light, 24cals a serving, and basically a whipped liquid. Not a solid.

Still. Fuck that, felt like I ate a solid.

And I felt FAT.

FAT.

And after the ab wheel,

SICK.

FAT AND SICK.

Ew.

I'm 106lbs.

There's a plus.

Hot chocolate has moved through system, I know that because hunger did hit me again eventually. And painfully. I was in the living room, parents had both eaten their dinners in front of me.

They didn't even question me not eating.

Wierd.

I think it's because they saw me eat Fuck loads sunday and monday.

Ew.

Anyway, I came upstairs with a soup broth at 8ish.

Then Half ten.

JB texted;

'Come outside for a hug and kiss'

Awwwwwwwwww, that made me smile :)

So I did, we sat in his car for 1/2 hour...

Just talked mainly :)

I did however, admit I had depression and he barely noticed.

Though, the conversation was literally him asking if I was better then yesterday, me saying yes, him saying good I don't like you being down, and me saying to be honest, I can't help it, I pretty much have depression. And well I think his mind was elsewhere.

Sometimes, men are so frustrating.

But whatever.

He'll either twig I said it.

Or i'll admit it to him again.

One day. He'll realise I have depression. That's the most serious thing i'll tell him about me. (hahaha, the Ed always remains a secret!)

As it will help him understand my mood swings.

Anywhoo.

Was real sweet seeing him, then I came back inside, on the computer.

Did I mention how Emma got worse after drinking alcohol, and those months to live, are now a simple 'it could happen whenever'.

Hm.

Must live every moment to it's fullest.

Also,

J said 'You ate all my chocolate, you Fat Pig :'('

Emma said 'Don't comfort eat you'll get fat[ter]'

And my dad said (when I was in a bikini at 105lbs) 'she's alright Mum, [why do dads always call mums, mum. and vice versa?] you can't see her ribs.'

SO in conclusion, i'm fat. And getting no where fast enough.

If he saw me stretch, and saw the amount of ribs you can actually see.

He'd flip.

Urgh.

Well whatever, they're the best motivation i've had for days.

A mate of mine i've known for years, said I was looking skinny in photos.
Yet more motivation.

Thank you people.

Anyways, i'm off to sleep, my neck is in pain from the angle i'm sitting at :(

Night all,

Stay strong

xox

BTW.

I plan to lose a stone in the next 3 weeks.

Wish me luck,

I've made a plan,

I'll tell ya'll tomorrow - gives me reason to MAKE SURE I POST.