Positivity and happiness fading rapidly...

I don't know why,
But tonight,
Is not my night.

Thinking of my ex,
Wanting to talk to him.
Won't reply on facebook.
Went offline after saying hi on msn.
Tried texting him last night.
He relpied.
In his second text said,
By the way,
Who is this?
Clearly he had deleted my number.

I think that truly means,
He wants me gone,
To him,
I'm nothing.
I'm out is life.

Forever.

And ever.

He is always in mine,
I almost cried,
Again,
At a photo of him.

I fucked up our relationship.
Drunk,
At his mums wedding,
Ruined.
Everything.
She doesn't mind,
She sent me home so I could sober up,
The adults understood.

He
Did
Not.

End of.
Over.
Bam.

Days later, wanted to talk (when he returned from holiday)
Wanted things to work.
Saw me,
Used me.

Since then,
Been used 2, 3 times?
Why do I go back?
I love him :(

I hate that I love him.

"But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do,
So that I can't stay mad at you,
For too long,
That's wrong.

...

And I hate how much I love you boy,
I can't stand how much I need you,
and I hate how much I love you boy,
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so..."

-Rihanna ft. Ne-yo

Fits perfectly...

I can't stand this :(
I want to cry.

Saw a card on the breakfast bar in the kitchen,
A new, unwritten card.
About sympathising over losing someone.

If it's for me.
About Emma.
I'm going to cry so fucking hard.

No one else is losing anyone.
So it must be for me.

I can't live without her,
Yesterday was a happy day,
I think we were both trying to put behind the realism of the situation,
And be positive,
Instead of mulling over what we knew.

It's...
So depressing.

I'm not sure how I feel about JB,
He didn't text all day.
I said 'sup'
(normally we add loveyou, but as a conversation starter, I couldn't be bothered)
Anyway, he said sup back,
I asked how he was +loveyouxxx
Didn't get that back, just 2 x's.
Thought, wtf?
Oh and he had 'a cheeky question'
'Oh yes?'
Could he buy my vodka off me.

HA.
Fuck off.
That's mine for tomorrow.
No love you?
No vodka.
He asked if i'd give it to him.
Free?
Nah-uh.
No way.

I said he seemed off,
He said how,
I said no love you?
So he put;
I'm sorrry I kept realising I wasn't putting it after sending the text, I lovvveeeeyoouuuuloooaddsssss ;)

He was making up for it apparently.

The 'I'
Scares the SHIT out of me.
Since my ex.
I can't take that crap.
Or trust anyone who says it.

My parents told my brother about Emma.
He was like,
I'm so sorry,
I love you,
I'm your big brother,
You can talk to me.
I was like ok.
Great.
Mum and Dad are telling the world now are they?
I knew mum had put him up to something,
When he said;
I know things are hard, but please...

Don't starve yourself.

Oh fuck off.
Just because I eat bare minimum and have control.

Today;
Yoghurt (120)
2 Egg whites (28)
Cinammoned Apple (100)
Mint (15)

Haven't eaten since the mint at 4ish.
Its 10:40pm.
Fuck Dinner. xD

So yeah,
Just because I have control.

He was like,
Atleast eat something so you live.

Wtf.
I AM eating something.

He has been at uni all week.
So he doesn't know what the hell happens around here.

Hence how I know mum put him up to something.

Note to self?
Trust no one.

Except Emma.
I can trust her.
She can't trust me,
Well, she shouldn't.
I don't think anyone should.

I'm mental.
Derranged.
Depressed.
Stupid.
Not trustworthy.
Well.
I like to think I can be trusted.
But not when like this.
I'm more likely to turn wack-o when i'm like this.

I should just,
Go curl up.
Go crazy.
Or go die?

But I can't die.
No, not while Emma is arround.

And besides.
I do have a future to look forward to.

Note to self;
I have a future to look forward to. Things will get better.

I have this image in my mind,
Of me walking about,
Feeling like i'm light and floating,
With colourful swirls around me,
Wooshing me around,
Spinning me on the spot,
Like my life,
Whirling around me,
In the hectic spiral it is creating,
The mess it is becoming.

Out of control.
Everything is out of control.

Except for my food control.
That,
I have got...
In control.

JB can't text now.
He is fun to text when drunk.
But has low battery.

Who doesn't charge their phone before heading out?

I feel so lonely.
Alone,
And lonely.

Goodnight,
Stay strong
xox