Parents...

I can't believe my luck, like, really CAN'T believe it.

I got away without dinner AGAIN.

I decided to have a nap, which resulted in me sleeping until around 8:30pm, meaning I completely missed dinner time, I heard dad open and close my door, and tell my mum I was still asleep - that was when I woke up. And for hours after they didn't realise I was on the computer! Then at half ten I had to leave the room for a drink, dad came out the shower and said hi. And after hearing me, mum went on msn, and spoke to me!

Was normal conversation, she added I was asleep which is why she didn't bother me with dinner, said was I going to eat anything? I said 'nahh', her comment was that I would run out if energy, I used the excuse (which is obviously a lie) that I had dominoes last night. She said, you can't run off that forever, but I guess it's your decision (was not expecting that answer!), I said yeah i'm not hungry and it's too late now anyway.

And that was that.

I can't believe my luck!

So I thought I would blog this amazingness, before she turns the internet off in 5 mins, and I have to get on with my art work, which I have succeeded in doing none of this weekend. Woops, silly me :/, ah well, as my mum says, i'm a night owl, I always work at night, and besides, after my long nap, i'm far from tired!

Oh now I was thinking, some deep thoughts, about how Ana is an endless cycle. You see a million and one posts on PT about people pledging for binge free months, summers, winters, etc. and after a few weeks, there are multiple 'i'm so sorry I failed because (reason/excuse here), I will be back on track tomorrow I promise!' posts. But does anyone succeed the pledges, without a day of failure? It's hard to tell, as almost no one actually follows through to the end, and the less amount of people feeding back, the lower the enthusiasm, and the more slip-ups are made.

So is it really worth making all this hollow promises? When we all seem to do so much better on our own? I joined a fruit and veg fast for this month, and i'm not going to lie, have been pretty awful with it, started with a fast, then clearly failed for a few days, thanks to bingeing, and now fasting again. After the fast I will almost be following those rules, but adding protein in three times a week, so technically, I will be 'failing' three times a week. But honestly, i'm going to be a hipocrit, and after having a go at those who simply stop posting, I shall be one of them, I haven't posted for a while now, and don't think I will, yes I feel bad about it, but in this world of my ED, I prefer to be a lone wolf, and do things my way. Looking only for motivation and support, not a competition or pledge, as when I fail, I fall harder, and fail longer, from the sheer guilt of letting others down. And besides, with others telling me 'it's ok, start again tomorrow', I see the binge or slip-up as acceptable, and binge the rest of the day, maybe even days after, before I finally kick myself and get back in gear. Whereas by myself, i'm letting me down, and I have no one telling me it's ok, and reasurring it. If I make an excuse, then I feel like i've let me and Ana down, and without 20 people saying 'it's ok' all I have is half my head saying it. While the other half, and Ana, tell me what a disgrace I am. So technically, when alone, it's two voices against one, and so much easier to not fail.

Not only that, but I know what works best for my body, and how I can lose weight the quickest. That's why I started this blog, I can post what I do, what my thoughts are, and keep on track of things, things I do by myself, and keep an eye on my own individual progress, while using PT to see how well others are doing.

That was a bit of rant right there, but I think it's important we start to think about if those competitions really are doing is any good.

Complete change of topic;

Emma is being really off with me today :/

And she doesn't like the guy i'm seeing, she never does. She hated my ex, who I was IN love with, and was happy when that ended, and now i'm seeing someone who I have known longer then her, have had a thing with before (just kissing/pulling, holding hands etc. lol coupley stuff, but no further then that) for a month or so, before he got serious and I was like 'woah, I don't want a relationship'... then ended up with my now ex, and broke all trust etc. with him, but we are now great, and as I said, seeing each other. He is truly lovely, not the most gorgous guy in the world, but he is tall, 6ft tall, with broad shoulders, and muscly arms (thank you golf!), with short blonde hair. He is comfy to cuddle, sit on and snuggle up with, smells really nice, and compliments me :)... he treats me well, although he was a bit twattish the other day (thank you jealousy :/) ... saying to Emma (while he was in Germany - back tomorrow) that I hadn't texted back, or answered his phonecalls (was busy with art work) and MUST be with another guy, and that he gives up on me. It's so hard for me to trust anyone after my ex, and those comments hurt so much, but we've talked things through and I stood my ground etc. and I may have explained all this before, but it's now his second chance, and he is taking me to the cinema and for a meal (oh dear god I hope they do salad, if not I'll try eat so he thinks i'm er, normal) as a sorry. He is wrong if he thinks he can buy my heart, or win it by surprising me and saying 'I love you', which scares me after my ex said it, and broke my heart. But I suppose I can't hold a grudge forever, he learnt his mistake and truly is sorry.

ANYWAY

Yeah I like him alot, but Emma really DOESN'T, no idea why, just isn't keen, and has got some bad image of him in her head, I don't know, she just doesn't want me getting hurt, and doesn't see why i'm attracted to him...well I can be attracted to who ever I want to be attracted too! Ok, he has a bit of pudge, but that makes me look and feel skinnier :D so it's ok! Obviously she doesn't know I think that xD ... anyway, I can't shelter myself from guys all my life, simply because my ex hurt me. If I did that, my fear of them, attachment, and commitment, would grow bigger, and I'd never be able to leave single life and have a good, decent, healthy relationship.

Although I'm scared about him finding out about my ED, when I see him tomorrow, I'll be several pounds lighter then when he last saw me, which he may notice...

I have an excuse though - i've been worrying about Emma so much, i've lost my appetite, but he may make me eat.

Anyway, while i've been waffling on about him, Emma has left MSN, was really blunt AGAIN. And well, I can't be fucked to text her, I topped her phone up on Saturday so she could text in hospital (how nice am I? - ha) and well, I don't know why I bothered to be honest. Waste if money, if she is going to go all funny on me again.

She asked if I thought we'd been funny with each other, I said not really, not till now, and earlier when I left for a nap, and happened to (just a coincidence) leave when the guy i'm seeing came into the topic, she said, right ok, im off, bye, love you. And that was that, fantastic. Normally we take ages saying goodbye to each other, saying 'i love you' a million times over (we're pretty close haha) so that was a very blunt goodbye. Also earlier I was talking to her - she was going to the pub for a friends birthday and I said remember not to drink etc. as it wasn't against the rules the hospital gave her, and then she got all 'i've got to live my life' on me, and to be honest, I think she can cope 2 weeks without alcohol if it means she will save her life. So I went all funny because I started thinking about how she is just throwing her life away continuously and I don't want to lose her etc. and so she didn't drink, came home, and we had that awkward msn conversation.

I hate how this happens, we never used to argue or anything, and now something crops up atleast once a week.

But I won't let it stress me out, things will get sorted tomorrow, I can almost garantee it, that is the way things go with us two, we feel bad, and the next day sort things out again. It's hard though somtimes, and I don't need things like that on my mind! With depression always being just around the corner, i'm always on edge, always controlling which feelings I let take over, always trying to stop emotions, and always trying to make sure things like this, don't bother me. The more she adds to it, the harder it becomes.

However, venting in a blog, is proving useful, and I couldn't live without this now.

Anyway, I need to do some art as it's 00:10am, and I have done none all weekend, and have some good ideas in my mind that will look awesome in my sketchbook, so really want to get them on the page! Thank goodness I have art to take my mind off things :)

Nighty night,

Stay strong

xox