Peace and Quiet

I stayed home today, only had 2 lessons for college anyway, and well, i'm so unbelievably paranoid about peeing blood in college that i'm too scared to go.
Tomorrow is a full day of college though.
And it's important I go in,
Bleugh : (

Being home alone gave me a chance to work out some calories!
I went through all the breakfast cereal,
Seeing how much of each, was what,
Keeping the total (with milk) as near 100cals as possible (or under)
Unless of course, the amount of cereal was ludicriously small,
Then I went a little of 100cals.

I didn't eat any of this by the way,
At the start I had a craving for one of the cereals,
By the end I opted for something much yummier.
I'll tell you about that in a second ;)

100ml Uht Semi-skimmed milk = 49 calories

25g of Sainsburies Fruit Crunch = 50 calories (approx 1/2 handful) + milk = 99calories
1 Wheatabix = 83 calories + milk = 131calories
15g of Start Cereal = 56.6calories (approx. 1 handful) + milk = 105.6calories
12.5g Raisin Wheats (6 Raisin Wheats) = 40calories + milk = 89calories
10g Rice Krispies = 38.3calories (approx. 1 handful) + milk = 87.3calories

The Raisin Wheats are pointless, 6 of them for 40calories?? Who would even bother? One Wheatabix seems like a lot of calories - 83 - I would have estimated it lower, BUT it is very filling, The fruit crunch is a pathetic amount (1/2 handful) for 50calories. The Start cereal, was actually a decent amount, and only a little bit over 100calories (105.6). But the same size portion (1 handful) of Rice Krispies, was only 87.3calories, and also weighed less (thanks to their light fluffiness :P)
Overall, Rice Krispies or Start Cereal are the better option.

HOWEVER, after all this weighing out, and having the food there, I decided against it,
I knew it would be a binge trigger, and although I need some calcium (not had it in 8 days), the craving really just...
Evaporated.

So I remembered a comment on a post on PT.
About cinammon apple, and thought i'd try it out.
It.
Is.
Pure.
Heaven.
Like an apple pie, but better!

However, they used ground cinammon, which is simple;
Cut up one Apple,
Sprinkle on cinammon,
Zap it in the microwave for a minute and a half,
Hey presto, Cinammoned apple.

I had Cinammon sticks!
So, here's how I did it, for anyone else confused by the cinammon stick;
Chopped of 1cm of cinammon stick,
Crushed it into small pieces,
Got a shallow plate,
Put approx. 1cm of cold water on it, so it didn't overflow,
But just settled on the plate,
Sprinkled on the cinammon,
Cut one apple,
Into quarters, de-cored it,
And cut it again,
So I had 8 pieces.
(obviously you can cut the apple to your requirements lol)
Placed the pieces on their sides in the water,
(so apple touched the water, not just apple skin)
Placed in microwave,
Heated on full (900watts)
For 1 1/2 minutes,
It came out soft, with a hint of cinammon,
Like stewed apple,
Or apple pie.
But better,
Healthier,
Without the sugar.

And drank between each bite,
Again,
Half the apple was enough for me,
So this DELICIOUS treat.
Was 50 calories.
As nothing in water,
And nothing worth counting in the cinammon.

Seriously,
Someone,
TRY IT.

'Secret' Shared ;)

Stay strong

xox

Strawberries!

And a mug of cranberry juice,
Looks delicious I must say.
And tastes it :)

I believe; 1 Strawberry = 2cals

I have 6 = 12cals

Omnomnom :)

Hunger was hurting, so i'm calming it down :)

I'm back to my good ways,
The ways where weight loss was easy,
And my appetite was controlled.
I eat slow.
In small bites.
And only when,
Painfully hungry.
With a sip between each bite.
And no more then a fistful of food.
A little bit like the 5 bite diet,
As it's very portion size restricting,
Unlike just restricting cals,
Where you can eat ALOT
For minimal calories.
(salad etc.)

Anyways,
Weightloss should still continue,
I hope...
That 1/2 apple made me feel fat though.

On a plus side,
The guy i'm seeing returned from Germany today :)
When I see him, I wonder if he'll notice,
If he'll notice the weightloss?

In a good way,
I hope so.

Stay strong
xox

Araglarghh.

Mum said I don't look well,
I think my temp is slowly rising.

I feel faint/get a head rush everytime I stand.
(But i'm sure that is thanks to fasting)

And my lower back aches,
But maybe i'm sitting at an odd angle?

I don't know.
I don't want to get too paranoid.
Or it'll create the placebeau effect.
Where you believe something so much.
It happens.

Some people were given vitamin tablets,
And told they were tablets to increase pain threshold.
They could keep their hands in ice water for atleast 5 minutes longer,
Then when they had done it without the 'drug'.

Apparently works for weightloss too.
You believe you are losing,
And actually do.

The placebeau effect.
I'd rather not make myself iller then I am.

I have a slight headache
Maybe that's because i've been on the laptop too long?

I don't even know.

:(
I hate being ill.
Don't want to eat though,
Not hungry.
Not being forced because i'm ill.

Bonus :)
Blog over ;)

Stay strong
xox

PT is down for 2 days :(

So this blog is all I have,

And i'm scared.
I pee'd blood again.
A girl in my class has the same symptoms,
And it's either kidney infection or kidney stones.
But i'm worrying about the STI possibility.
Mum doesn't know i've had sex.
I could never tell her!
I mean yeah i'm 17, it ain't such a bad thing.
But it's my mum.
I don't tell her those things!

Anyway, the girl in tutor,
She's very nice,
Said go to the doctors,
And was surprised it could be an STI,
And doubts that.
So I should go.
But no one is home.
I'm alone.
In a bit of pain,
Very faint.
And worried.
Last time she had it though.
She didn't realise what it was.
And it got quite bad...
She also lost a lot of weight because of it.
All i've done is fast.
Ha.
But what if I could lose more weight?
Not worth risking my kidneys over though.

Talk about fasting.
I made it 7 days.
If I fasted till Thursday.
Saturday would be a disaster.
I'd binge like crazy.
Or i'd put on loads of weight,
As my body would absorb...
EVERYTHING.
So i'm introducing food already.

Breakfast;
Half an Apple (50)

Yup, that's me introducing food.
Fuck it, I was full after just that.
Cut it in half,
Quarters,
De-cored it.
Cut it into...
Eighths.
Bit half of one,
Chomp, chomp.
Slurp of cranberry juice.
Next 16th.
Chomp chomp.
Slurp cranberry juice,
Stomach full after eating half.

Nice one :)

I'm not complaining.
The less I can manage,
The better.

Might eat something for dinner.
Might not.
Mum knows I don't feel well,
So won't force anything on me.

Which is good.

Blog over, for now.
Without PT,
I can imagine...
I will blog so much more,

Stay strong
xox

Just thinking

About my food plan, after my fast.

I'm a little worried i'll binge, I did after 7 days, and this will be 10...

The idea of another 3500+calorie binge scares me.

Especially as it happened last time because I went out on the saturday (fast finished on a Thursday) and was around restaurants and food etc.

I finish this fast Thursday, and am out again Saturday for a friend's birthday, we are out for a meal that evening, and drinking after.

I'm thinking salad, and hard liquor that won't take much to get me anywhere.

But i'll only have 1 day to actually adapt to eating, and control binge urges, which i'm worried isn't enough.

I'm debating making it a 7 day fast, and starting to eat again tomorrow. Only fruit, vegetables, salad and maybe protein (quorn or egg whites), and keeping low cal, maybe even just a bowl of soup, of a yoghurt. But something solid, to reintroduce food inside me, and prepare myself for the binge cravings.

Because I know they will happen.

I will eat.

My stomach will feel the satisfaction of food.

My body will cry for calcium (haven't had that in 7 days)

And chocolate etc. will be my craving.

After sweet things,

I always crave carbs.

So bring on the chips, crisps, bread etc.

Then to something cold,

Then something hot.

Something like cereal,

Then fruit,

Then back to sweet, cake...chocolate.

It's a never ending cycle, until bedtime.

I can't cope with that happening.

If I slowly introduce food tomorrow, maybe soup for the next 3 days of the fast? Broth, and normal, even cream soups...

Or eat half the meal my Mum cooks for me tomorrow,

Then have protein for breakfast, (2 egg whites - 28 cal)

Yoghurt for lunch (under100)

And again, half dinner.

Thursday, technically last day of fast,

Have fruit for breakfast, no lunch, and protein for dinner, with salad/veg.

Friday, stay low calorie,

I don't know, i'm just thinking maybe then I can control myself saturday easier.

God I just realised i'm such a moody cow when i'm fasting. I actually hate dealing with people when I'm like this xD

I thought up a weekly diet plan, tuesdays, thursdays and sundays are protein days, wednesdays and saturdays are calcium days, and carbs are allowed on sunday (family meal bound to contain them) the cals go; less then 200,300,400,300,200,300, and unknown on Sunday (fam.meal)

I also thought of these other ideas;

Eat only Breakfast

Eat only Dinner

5 Bite diet - 5 bites cereal breakfast, 5 bites mars bar lunch, 5 bites dinner

2 egg white breakfast and 1/2 dinner

Or simply, just whatever i'm forced to eat. I feed myself nothing, and when given food, I eat what I can.

I'm not sure at all how to go about this.

PT post is required I think xD

Stay strong

xox

Dinner in my room...

Mum brought dinner up to my room,

Makes me happy.

I can throw it without her knowing.

So now that's where it is - in my bin.

It smelt lush, I bet my bin loves it xD

Lettuce (10)

Cherry Tomatoes (20)

Quiche (120)

Coleslaw (50)

Potato salad (80)

Cucumber (5)

Raw Pepper (5)

3 half potatoes topped with cheese (200cals each - was more cheese then potato. was dripping in grease!)

Garlic dip thing (40)

These are my estimates, and are the cals I believe those foods would have been,

That dinner would have totalled (in my mind) 930 calories.

Now that is ridiculous.

I can make much better meals for under 150cals. Or even, under 100cals.

I mean, ok I may have overestimated the potato things, but I prefer to over estimate, instead of under estimate. Then I know i'm on the safe side of things...

If i'd been made to eat that downstairs, infront of them, I would have had a panic attack, that grease would have entered my arteries and clogged my heart immediately. Just smelling it made me feel fatter...it smelt so lushious, so delicious, so tempting. But my sense of smell is heightened when fasting, so I knew it was a lie. And besides, if it tastes good, it's trying to kill you.

My parents have never realised the possibility of me throwing my food away, and think I have eaten my meal when they see the clean plate being brought downstairs. They're so gullable, and I'm glad, makes them less suspicious, and makes fasting a hell of a lot easier.

I'm contemplating making this a 7 day fast, today being the last day.

BUT only if things get tougher to hide.

After having dinner brought up to me, seems like things may be getting easier.

So 10 days should still be possible.

YAY

Stay strong

xox

Happy Happy Happy!

7stone 7lbs = 105lbs.

I'm.

105.

lbs.

Fuck. YES!

I can't believe it,

My BMI is 18.6

104lbs, will take my BMI to 18.42

ONE MORE POUND

AND MY BMI IS UNDERWEIGHT!

My goal weight, 98lbs, takes my BMI to 17.36

A BMI of 18.5 and under, is underweight,

A BMI of 17.5 and under, is Anorexic.

I'm 7lbs away from a doctor diagnosing me as anorexic.

Not EDNOS.

I hate that EDNOS label.

Just because I have periods, and am not techinically low enough in weight,

I can't possibly be Anorexic.

Not that i've been diagnosed.

I did that myself,

Like most others on PT, we refuse to go near the doctors,

And instead realise our symptoms through research,

And hearing what other people have to say,

And have slowly come to the realisation,

We are no different,

Our once happy lives, of simple dieting,

Has spiralled out of control,

Yet we are happy,

As long as the scales say less each day.

I'm lighter then the recovered Anorexic, who normally averages 110lbs,

The other day she said she was 8stone - 112lbs

And today, she said she felt fat, because she'd put on another lb - 113lbs.

It's funny how I remember these things xD

I feel great being under her weight, and i'm happy she has recovered.

A boy in our class, has the fastest metabolism ever known to man, I swear.

He eats whole packets of biscuits, cheese and ham sandwiches wtih extra thick white bread, 4 or 5 chocolate bars, crisps, and whatever else is in his lunchbox. JUST FOR LUNCH.

He is taller then me by a little bit - i'd say, 5ft6? And weighs 7 stone4lbs.

HE WEIGHS 102lbs!

He is skinnier then me :(

I want his metabolism,

So I could eat all day, leave Ana behind, and be naturally ultra skinny.

That would be heaven.

But one day, his metabolism will slow down, and then he'll get bigger...

I'd want his CURRENT metabolism FOR LIFE!

But i'm not like that, I have a shit metabolism, which is only good enough to keep me at a 'healthy/normal/average' [FAT] weight, of 112-119lbs. Sometimes 126lbs in winter. Seriously, I do NOT want to have fluctuating weight between 112 and 126lbs. That's a whole fucking stone of weight.

I hated that person. And now, i'm 7lbs under that.

And I will ALWAYS be under that from NOW on.

There is NO going back.

Many of us end up stuck in binge cycles,

I refuse to be one of them.

The effort and risks i've taken to get this far, would be pointless, and I don't want all this progress to go flying out the window because I can't keep my hand of a chocolate bar.

Anyway to make this post interesting, I thought I would use my webcam to photograph some of my things in my thinspo book,

They're a bit rubbish, but I like them :)

I drew the first one on the way to Spain the other month, my mind was thinking about whether I wanted to look cute, adorable and fragile, or if I wanted to be some cute chubby kid, I'm not sure why I drew babies to represent that... But one is eating sweets, hotcross buns, pringles etc. And the other is eating and apple and banana, and the little one looks cuter. Proving the point skinny is better. This drawing isn't great, to all of 10minutes lol. I do have better art work xD my thinspo book just doesn't contain them xD

One day i'll post some really good art that i've actually put effort into drawing :P

The second is just a random phrase I came up with, and I really like the meaning of it :)

The third one; on the left is a small out line of someone vanishing into thin air *poof*, this image I drew because I felt like disappearing, but as the Answer says, there is no such thing as magic. My solution was to Fade away instead. I can never be invisible, but I can be small enough to feel it. I drew this when thinking of ways to just evaporate after my ex left me. He ignored me and I felt like he had discarded me - and wanted me out of his life, wanted me to fade - so I decided I would. I had been on the ABC diet while with him, and he'd noticed me getting thinner, I also started to feel more comfortable, and (theres a post about this on PT) love makes you fat. I started to eat more, to please him so he wasn't worrying, and because he said he prefered girls who weren't stupidly thin (although is exex is insanely skinny - lucky Bitch) so I felt better...ate a bit more, ended up bingeing, then on a binge/restrict cycle. And now I almost slipped into a binge/fast cycle, except this time round, no bingeing.

Anyway, I shall stop writing for now,

Stay strong

xox