I'm SO HUGE.

I don't know if it was the hot chocolate yesterday,
Or the yoghurt for breakfast (120)
But I am DEFINATELY bloated today.
And I HATE IT.

Argh,
I feel SO HUGE.
I'm 105lbs OF PURE FAT.

I'm thinking of setting a new goal.
After 98lbs.

I MIGHT head for 90lbs.

That 8lbs just seems like extra weight I DON'T need.

I hate this,
Thinking the goal weight will be so much thinner,
Getting close to it,
And realising,
It probably won't be acceptable enough.

But I want to tone up more too...
And well...
Muscle weighs more then fat :(

So that's an on going issue/debate in my head.

ARGH.

Dammit :(

Oh well's,
The weather was lush today!
All sun,
No clouds,
Warm air,
No humidity,
No cold breeze.

PURE LUSH.


I braved shorts.
FELT HUGE
But I atleast I wasn't sweating like a pig.

Pah.

Stay strong
xox

Happy?? How??

I don't know!
But I am!
I'm thinking positive!
Yay!

I love Emma xD
In a friend way.
But still,
I loves her xD

Life IS great.
Truly is.

Even after the hot chocolate (well, half of)

I still feel,
GOOD.

Because i'm finally getting somewhere!

Fattest part of arms; 10 inches
GOAL; 8 inches

Fattest part of thighs; 19 3/4 inches
GOAL; 18inches

That's all I measured lol,
Random I know,
But a friend and I were comparing those two parts,
So thought i'd note down the sizes xD

Because?
I'm cool ;)

Hhehehe
I'm HYPER
And,
Well,
Crazy!

And you followers,
Have never experienced this in me xD
Especially not after what has been happening.
And my moody self.
Hahah xD
This makes a GREAT change.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat ;)
Like Frosty the Tiger!! Hahha xD

Anyways,
Before I scare you xD
I'll be off :P

Just want to say,
There is always a way out of depression.
Just look for it.
Tell yourself to stay positive.

Well, for now that has worked for me,
Till times get tough,
BE HAPPY :D

Stay strong !!
xox

Treat failure xD

Thought
"I know! I'll treat myself, i've been doing great after all. I need calcium, and that light whipped cream looks tasty...If I don't have anything to eat this evening, I can have the calorie allowance for a hot chocolate"

OK well I made it, and the calories would have equalled, 250. I estimate. The whipped cream was 24cals a serving and I swear I put like 3 servings on it.
What the fuck?
The milk + cocoa powder = 180cals? Actually. Milk 98cals. Cocoa powder about 70. So 168cals.
168 + 72 = 240calories.
Ok a 240calorie Hot chocolate.

I though,
I shall enjoy this.

Well, half way through,
I felt sick.
Thought,
"this isn't worth it"
And tipped it away.
I had half the cream, half the hot chocolate.

So 120calories.

Could have been worse.
Could have been all of it.
Thank you taste buds,
For FINALLY realising,
Hot chocolate isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It's wierd, when I was bingeing after the first fast, before the second...
I was OBSESSED with hot chocolate.
Hence banning it for the second fast.
Such a good idea.
I've weened myself off it.

And officially don't have a liking for it!
Yay me!
Cranberry juice is better!

Haha xD

I feel fat now.
Thank you half hot chocolate.

Todays calories?

Apple (100)
Half hot choc (140)

Total (240)

I don't normally count drinks.
But fuck it.
It's a fatty hot chocolate.

Of course i'm bloody well counting those calories!

Summer just is NOT hot chocolate time.
YAY :D

Peace out

Stay strong
xox

Where is this happiness coming from?

I truly feel,

Bizzarre.

If that's how you spell it,

I can never tell,

One 'r'? One 'z'?

One or two?

Or two of both?

One of one, two of the other?

Who knows...

Actually;

Who cares?

I'm in a good mood.

I'm thinking positive.

Thinking of now.

Living in the now.

I'm going to pray for Emma each night,

I'm not religious,

Have never prayed before...

Except on the odd occasion when I was younger,

And wished for stupid things;

Like a pony.

That miracle never happened though,

We're not rich enough.

Oh well,

I don't mind,

Money doesn't matter,

And can't buy happiness...

Though it sure does help...xD

ANYWAY

Miracles can happen,

The human brain and heart,

Are pieces of wonder.

True masterpieces.

Studies have shown that buy simply knowing somone is praying for you,

Thinking of you,

Wishing for you,

Etc.

People can pull through anything.

A woman in America survived something uncurable,

And she believes it's through the hope, and strength she got,

Through knowing someone she didn't know in Australia,

Was praying for her.

(the studies didn't introduce the people, but let them know it was happening)

Maybe it's the placebeau affect?

You think it is happening, and know it,

Therefore you Believe it,

And Feel it.

And Miracles happen.

I've told Emma i'm praying for her,

Told her to hope,

Believe,

Be strong,
And life life to the full,

Because that's what teenagers do best,

Not because there isn't much left.

I want to give her hope,

And create a miracle.

Unrealistic I know,

But it gives me peace of mind that i'm trying.

-----

Breakfast - Cinammoned Apple - all of it (100)

Had nothing since (that was at 9am, it's now 6:47pm)

Felt faint all day,

But I don't mind,

I like the euphoria I get from it,

And head rushes are fun xD

Went to Costa with Emma,

Had a mango&passionfruit Frescato,

No idea on the calories,

But i'm not fussed,

It's only juice whizzed with ice.

So nothing more then a drink,

And I don't care for those calories.

At the moment...

Was great fun,

We chatted about crazy things,

Had a laugh.

Took our mind off things.

I loved it,

I then took the long route home,

Which I powerwalked to music,

The weather is lovely,

For England,

Hot,

Sunny,

Blue skies.

I loved walking,

Feeling the warm breeze <>

I can sense summer is going to be amazing,

And I can't wait,

I'm so happy,

It's unreal.

Stay strong

xox

Strength is an impossibility (almost)

With everything,
But food,
And the desire to be thin,
Thinner,
The thinnest.
My strength is slowly,
Evaporating.

I can't cope with this.
I can't.
I can't.
Fuck it.
I can't.

:'(

Hence the short posts,
Shorter,
And shorter.
Well, ok,
They look long.
But do they take long to read?
No.
They are short.
Short posts.

I am thinking in short sentences,
Feeling emotions in short bursts.

Emma is dying,
Emma hates JB,
He's done nothing wrong.
I'm confused.
I text differently when with him,
Apparently.
She gives me grief,
And she knows it.
She hates it.
I hate it.

Really hate it.

My ex.
I still love.
So bad.
And now i'm trying to move on.
She is stopping me,
I'm stuck,
Don't know what to do.

I saw a picture,
Of my ex,
A few minutes ago.
Brought tears to my eyes.
I thought of him,
When with JB.

It seems,
When shit happens.
And it does,
I think of the worst times,
In my life.
My ex,
Becoming an ex.
Was one of those times.

I can't stop,
Can't stop thinking,
Of those memories.

I want out.
Really,
Want out.
But I can't.
I couldn't.
Couldn't do that to Emma.

Or anyone.

Must remember,
Things are worth fighting for.

Thin.
Is.
Worth.
Fighting.
For.

I will get thinner.

JB didn't notice.
At all.
Several lbs down.
And no comment.

What a dumb ass.
No.
Wrong.

I just haven't lost enough.
Well.
Fuck him then.

I'm going to lose more anyway.
Even if it pushes him away.
Or anyone away.
Fuck it.
I don't care.

7lbs from my goal.
I'm not stopping now.

I'm so numb,
Yet.
Exploding with emotion.

I hate this.

Stay strong
xox

Well...

Blurted out to mum about Emma,

So she knows,

She told dad,

He knows too.

They tried to talk to me,

I'd only known about it myself,

For a few hours.

And they were already trying to get me to scrape together an idea of how I was feeling, what was going to happen, what I would do.

Etc.

As if I know.

I'm numb.

I can't tell a thing.

Texted JB in desperation.

I want out of the house.

Please.

He came and picked me up in his car,

Was fairly quiet for the first,

I don't know.

45 minutes?

I was thinking, couldn't stop thinking.

And there wasn't much to say.

Well there was.

Just couldn't start a good conversation.

Eventually,

I brightened up,

Took a while though.

Ended up having a laugh,

Etc...*smooch-smooch*

Took my mind of things,

Hardy-ha.

Had half a boiled sweet;

He insisted.

Pineapple flavour (15)

Home now.

Thinking again.

Having some strawberries (20)

While I think.

Todays total,

Now theres something to do.

Um.

50 + 118 = 168

168 +(15+20) = 203

203 calories.

Sounds a bit,

High.

Higher then yesterday.

Which was what?

62calories?

Metabolism booster,

That's what today is.

Lower again tomorrow?

Yes please.

Hospital tomorrow night.

With Emma.

I'm so numb.

So numb.

Numb.

...

Stay strong

xox

Numb.

Had lunch - ish.
Was 2pm,
Count as lunch?
I don't know.
Was really hungry.
I don't eat lunch normally.

Had,
2 Quorn sausages (118)

That's it,
Finally, Protein in my body.
Yay.


So,
Emma came over.
Wanted a hug,
And a chat.

Found out,
Alot.

She won't have surgery,
The results are temporary.
Not sure if she'll take the medicine.
She forgets.
And feels worse after.
She's got,
What...
I don't know,
A few months?

To live.

Then,
Well,
I don't want to think about it.
Really don't.

We're living in the now.

But I feel,
Numb.

And I want,
The guy,
Who I'm going to call JB,
Because i'm fed up,
Fed up of calling him,
That guy i'm seeing.

I want a hug,
From JB.
That won't ever end.
In a few months,
If a few months is really all she has.
I'm going to need his hug,
More then ever.

I've no more to say.
I'm Numb.
No appetite.
Yay.
Can't even be happy about that.

Any chance of me truly sorting out life,
And leaving depression behind,
Will be out the window,
In...
A few months time.

So I shall relish,
Relish in my happiness.
And weightloss.
Those lbs going down.
They make me happy.
Emma,
She makes me smile.
JB,
He makes me feel safe.

I'm surrounded by the best.

I shall not cry.
That's weakness.
Emma needs strength.
I'm numb.
But shall be happy.

Stay strong
xox