It's 2am xD

Well this is random, internet was meant to go off at 11:45pm, but mum fell asleep and never turned it on, not that i'm complaining!

I have mild insomnia,

Oh the joy,

Can't sleep, won't sleep...sometimes feel tired,

In fact, it's normally about now that I stop doing art, and sleep,

However I have done no art today, and have already slept, so i'm now wider awake then ever.

I got a drink about 30mins ago, the effort to get that re-awoke me even more,

My god, i'm a freak,

A lazy,

Fat.

Rather disgusting,

Freak.

But I can cope with that. At least I can change the fat part about me,

I love being a freak.

I put my Cranberry juice in the fridge earlier,

Mum will wonder where that came from,

Obviously i'll say it's a wierd craving i'm having - I bought it.

She won't care, she'll laugh, and not care.

Thank goodness my mum is used to my cravings and food phases.

Makes Ana easier sometimes.

So I was bored, and spoke to a [HOT] guy on facebook, for the first time since primary school,

He's rather nice,

Gorgeous too,

But i'm seeing someone, and shouldn't think things like that,

But, he is hot.

And friendly :)

We didn't have any awkward chat moments,

I was worried it would be a;

hey, you ok?

Not bad, you?

Yeah i'm great thanks, wubu2?

Not much you?

Same

[End of conversation]

Type of conversation.

But it wasn't :)

Actually, spoke about college, then flirted a tad when I said brb, and commented how I was more awake afterwards, and that I had honestly just gone to get a drink ;)

I'll speak to him again soon I think.

I shouldn't,

But curiosity is my middle name,

and will one day kill me,

Like it did that cat.

Curiosity killed the cat.

An odd phrase that,

Will get the better of me.

But i'm like that,

I fill my life with risks,

Sometimes subconsciously ruin it on a purpose,

A new kind of self harm,

With more serious consequences.

Random huh?

I guess my thoughts are more spread out at 2:15am

I'm going to do art now.

Till atleast 3am,

I have to be up at 8:30, maybe 9:00am.

If I get ready quick,

Got to wash my hair though,

So maybe alarm for 8:30am is a good idea,

I'll set it now.

*Alarm Set*

3am, till then, is 5 1/2 hours sleep,

That's plenty,

My normal is 6,

So really, not missing out on much.

Night again,

Stay strong

xox

Parents...

I can't believe my luck, like, really CAN'T believe it.

I got away without dinner AGAIN.

I decided to have a nap, which resulted in me sleeping until around 8:30pm, meaning I completely missed dinner time, I heard dad open and close my door, and tell my mum I was still asleep - that was when I woke up. And for hours after they didn't realise I was on the computer! Then at half ten I had to leave the room for a drink, dad came out the shower and said hi. And after hearing me, mum went on msn, and spoke to me!

Was normal conversation, she added I was asleep which is why she didn't bother me with dinner, said was I going to eat anything? I said 'nahh', her comment was that I would run out if energy, I used the excuse (which is obviously a lie) that I had dominoes last night. She said, you can't run off that forever, but I guess it's your decision (was not expecting that answer!), I said yeah i'm not hungry and it's too late now anyway.

And that was that.

I can't believe my luck!

So I thought I would blog this amazingness, before she turns the internet off in 5 mins, and I have to get on with my art work, which I have succeeded in doing none of this weekend. Woops, silly me :/, ah well, as my mum says, i'm a night owl, I always work at night, and besides, after my long nap, i'm far from tired!

Oh now I was thinking, some deep thoughts, about how Ana is an endless cycle. You see a million and one posts on PT about people pledging for binge free months, summers, winters, etc. and after a few weeks, there are multiple 'i'm so sorry I failed because (reason/excuse here), I will be back on track tomorrow I promise!' posts. But does anyone succeed the pledges, without a day of failure? It's hard to tell, as almost no one actually follows through to the end, and the less amount of people feeding back, the lower the enthusiasm, and the more slip-ups are made.

So is it really worth making all this hollow promises? When we all seem to do so much better on our own? I joined a fruit and veg fast for this month, and i'm not going to lie, have been pretty awful with it, started with a fast, then clearly failed for a few days, thanks to bingeing, and now fasting again. After the fast I will almost be following those rules, but adding protein in three times a week, so technically, I will be 'failing' three times a week. But honestly, i'm going to be a hipocrit, and after having a go at those who simply stop posting, I shall be one of them, I haven't posted for a while now, and don't think I will, yes I feel bad about it, but in this world of my ED, I prefer to be a lone wolf, and do things my way. Looking only for motivation and support, not a competition or pledge, as when I fail, I fall harder, and fail longer, from the sheer guilt of letting others down. And besides, with others telling me 'it's ok, start again tomorrow', I see the binge or slip-up as acceptable, and binge the rest of the day, maybe even days after, before I finally kick myself and get back in gear. Whereas by myself, i'm letting me down, and I have no one telling me it's ok, and reasurring it. If I make an excuse, then I feel like i've let me and Ana down, and without 20 people saying 'it's ok' all I have is half my head saying it. While the other half, and Ana, tell me what a disgrace I am. So technically, when alone, it's two voices against one, and so much easier to not fail.

Not only that, but I know what works best for my body, and how I can lose weight the quickest. That's why I started this blog, I can post what I do, what my thoughts are, and keep on track of things, things I do by myself, and keep an eye on my own individual progress, while using PT to see how well others are doing.

That was a bit of rant right there, but I think it's important we start to think about if those competitions really are doing is any good.

Complete change of topic;

Emma is being really off with me today :/

And she doesn't like the guy i'm seeing, she never does. She hated my ex, who I was IN love with, and was happy when that ended, and now i'm seeing someone who I have known longer then her, have had a thing with before (just kissing/pulling, holding hands etc. lol coupley stuff, but no further then that) for a month or so, before he got serious and I was like 'woah, I don't want a relationship'... then ended up with my now ex, and broke all trust etc. with him, but we are now great, and as I said, seeing each other. He is truly lovely, not the most gorgous guy in the world, but he is tall, 6ft tall, with broad shoulders, and muscly arms (thank you golf!), with short blonde hair. He is comfy to cuddle, sit on and snuggle up with, smells really nice, and compliments me :)... he treats me well, although he was a bit twattish the other day (thank you jealousy :/) ... saying to Emma (while he was in Germany - back tomorrow) that I hadn't texted back, or answered his phonecalls (was busy with art work) and MUST be with another guy, and that he gives up on me. It's so hard for me to trust anyone after my ex, and those comments hurt so much, but we've talked things through and I stood my ground etc. and I may have explained all this before, but it's now his second chance, and he is taking me to the cinema and for a meal (oh dear god I hope they do salad, if not I'll try eat so he thinks i'm er, normal) as a sorry. He is wrong if he thinks he can buy my heart, or win it by surprising me and saying 'I love you', which scares me after my ex said it, and broke my heart. But I suppose I can't hold a grudge forever, he learnt his mistake and truly is sorry.

ANYWAY

Yeah I like him alot, but Emma really DOESN'T, no idea why, just isn't keen, and has got some bad image of him in her head, I don't know, she just doesn't want me getting hurt, and doesn't see why i'm attracted to him...well I can be attracted to who ever I want to be attracted too! Ok, he has a bit of pudge, but that makes me look and feel skinnier :D so it's ok! Obviously she doesn't know I think that xD ... anyway, I can't shelter myself from guys all my life, simply because my ex hurt me. If I did that, my fear of them, attachment, and commitment, would grow bigger, and I'd never be able to leave single life and have a good, decent, healthy relationship.

Although I'm scared about him finding out about my ED, when I see him tomorrow, I'll be several pounds lighter then when he last saw me, which he may notice...

I have an excuse though - i've been worrying about Emma so much, i've lost my appetite, but he may make me eat.

Anyway, while i've been waffling on about him, Emma has left MSN, was really blunt AGAIN. And well, I can't be fucked to text her, I topped her phone up on Saturday so she could text in hospital (how nice am I? - ha) and well, I don't know why I bothered to be honest. Waste if money, if she is going to go all funny on me again.

She asked if I thought we'd been funny with each other, I said not really, not till now, and earlier when I left for a nap, and happened to (just a coincidence) leave when the guy i'm seeing came into the topic, she said, right ok, im off, bye, love you. And that was that, fantastic. Normally we take ages saying goodbye to each other, saying 'i love you' a million times over (we're pretty close haha) so that was a very blunt goodbye. Also earlier I was talking to her - she was going to the pub for a friends birthday and I said remember not to drink etc. as it wasn't against the rules the hospital gave her, and then she got all 'i've got to live my life' on me, and to be honest, I think she can cope 2 weeks without alcohol if it means she will save her life. So I went all funny because I started thinking about how she is just throwing her life away continuously and I don't want to lose her etc. and so she didn't drink, came home, and we had that awkward msn conversation.

I hate how this happens, we never used to argue or anything, and now something crops up atleast once a week.

But I won't let it stress me out, things will get sorted tomorrow, I can almost garantee it, that is the way things go with us two, we feel bad, and the next day sort things out again. It's hard though somtimes, and I don't need things like that on my mind! With depression always being just around the corner, i'm always on edge, always controlling which feelings I let take over, always trying to stop emotions, and always trying to make sure things like this, don't bother me. The more she adds to it, the harder it becomes.

However, venting in a blog, is proving useful, and I couldn't live without this now.

Anyway, I need to do some art as it's 00:10am, and I have done none all weekend, and have some good ideas in my mind that will look awesome in my sketchbook, so really want to get them on the page! Thank goodness I have art to take my mind off things :)

Nighty night,

Stay strong

xox

Inspiration

Inspiration to do things, comes in many forms.
I have found inspiration to finish my fast, however bored I may be with it. And to ensure, if i'm forced to eat soup, I DON'T let it get me down, and I CONTINUE to the end of my fast.

A fellow friend mentioned me on their blog, and it truly inspired me, so I quote from their blog (without revealing our names);

" And I won't weight myself tomorrow morning. I couldn't bear the high numbers. Reading how other girls have been fasting for 5 days now, (yeah ***** hun, i'm proud of you). "

Just knowing other people are reading my posts, and are actually PROUD of me, inspires me to continue!

As i'm in such a good mood, I wanted to post some pictures that made me smile;

























































































Quite a random selection, but nature makes me happy, I love lady gaga, and I had to get some fashion/thinspiration in there somewhere ;)

Enjoy
Take Care
Stay strong
xox

Posting because I feel like it :)

Well, I was going to have a nap, as you do, because i'm knackered from last night, and fasting EXHAUSTS me so bad. But my laptop ran out of charge, and the 2 seconds where I had to get up, and plug the charger in, and sit back down again, woke me up. So now i'm wide awake!
And thought i'd ramble for a bit, say that last night my Ana voice really found me, and after thinking about it, and getting over the initial scare, i'm glad I have her for real now, she helps me put down calories. Such as alcohol (like last night).
Another thought about last night, one of my friends there, used to be anorexic, she lost her periods etc. and is tiny, and recovering - she really wants boobs! lol, can't blame her, I don't actually want mine to go :/ ... She is so lovely - i'll call her Carol :) ... and well, I am so proud she wants to recover, I think Ana happened for her because her lifestyle just meant she didn't eat alot, and got into that habit, but I didn't know her well enough then, so I can't say for sure... Another one of my friends, who i'll call Charlie, is really tall, like 5ft10 or 5ft11! Model height (lucky bitch!) and is naturally skinny, with a thigh gap. And she eats LOADS. I'm so jealous :(...she was talking about how someone at college had gone up to her and said 'it's ok, I used to be anorexic once, you're beautiful, and it's ok to eat' ... Charlie said she was so annoying a friend of hers locked her in a cupboard xD
I was thinking about the comment though, how some people assume naturally skinny people are anorexics, and yet sometimes turn a blind eye to real Ana's, because they've no clue they even have the disease. I also thought it was disgusting that someone would bring that up - if Charlie had been anorexic, that would have been such a soft topic, especially as her whole class heard the comment. I found it a bit odd too, I feel I will never truly recover, as I don't want to, and I know that nothing could make me want to recover anyway, surely she would know that? Surely she'd know that a simple 'you are beautiful' wouldn't make an anorexic feel better, an 'it's ok to eat' won't actually make her eat... etc. seemed like a very stupid comment to me.

Hahahah my friend was high on weed over the weekend xD - she wasn't with us, doesn't live in our area, she just told me over msn xD... the guy I like does it too haha xD, I am so curious to try it, but you get serious munchies, which i'm scared of. However, if I fought them off, I could lose some good weight :P ... haha just a random thought.

I've just been told I have a flat stomach. Haha. Very funny xD

My stomach growled infront of mum earlier >_<
So i'm sure i'll have to have that soup tonight (250)
Gr. I hate parents sometimes :(
BUT I made it an exception, and am making sure I DON'T feel guilty about it, obviously afterwards i'll feel like a fat cow. But for now, i'm trying to think positive.

I'm so paranoid about my teeth recently, wierd I know. But I get worried that from my awful eating habits, they will rot and drop out. The slightest pain, or bleeding gum (from over brushing) and i'm suddenly positive i'm going to need dentures by this time next week.
Such a horrible thought :(
I wonder if calcium supplements are a good idea?

Anyway, I best be off, i'm talking about allsorts of rubbish now, that I doubt anyone has any interest in... I have had an idea though, I will put all blogs into a Word Document, maybe one day in the future, if I ever recover, these blog entries might make a good book? Who knows xD

Stay strong <3
xox

It's a good day

Morning :)

Well...ok, afternoon, seeing as it's 12:28pm, but i've not been awake long, so it still feels appropriate to greet 'good morning' to anyone I see, (in my family, I don't greet random strangers...they freak me out).

Last night, I mentioned how I was resisting the urge to binge - urge = resisted :D. I am so happy about that! Didn't even wake up this morning thinking about food or anything (as sometimes those urges can last till morning >_<), and I was so happy :).

After Lola left, I had to put all the sleeping stuff (sleeping bags, duvet, pillows etc) away, and as we slept in the living room, that meant several trips up and down the stairs (yay extra exercise xD), but after the 2nd or 3rd trip, I was KNACKERED! Completely out of breathe...my brother turned round to me on the landing, and said...

Brother:'it's not surprising you're worn out really'

Me:'why?'

Brother:'Because you're not eating.'

Me:'Yes I am!!'

Brother:'ok, when was the last time you had a large meal?'

*I HATE spontaneous questions like these, but boy am I getting good at thinking on my feet now!*

Me:'last night, while out'

Brother:'what did you have?'

Me:'Pizza *grins wildly to emphasise some kind of excitement over food* ...Dominoes to be exact, thank you very much.'

Brother:'good, well...keep it up'

Me:'I will'

Hahahahaahahaha, GULLABLE family or what :D

As if i'd eat that... 400calories or more per slice... erm, no thanks. Not unless one slice was all I had for an entire day. And that's hardly worth it when you can eat a tonne of fruit, veg and salad for half the total of calories!

Emma is having her operation in two weeks, she changed her mind again. I'm quite glad actually, I have two more weeks to spend a TONNE of time with her, just in case the operation doesn't go to plan...BUT i'm not thinking that way. I'm staying positive, i'm staying strong. I have to do that everyday anyway, so I don't see how I can't be strong in other situations. Anyway, she isn't having it this morning - though i'll tell my parents that news later, as for now, I can use worrying about it as an excuse to miss breakfast and lunch, dinner could be an issue. But there is always the soup option which I can let myself have, after all if I make allowances for alcohol, i'm sure I can make an allowance for a bowl of soup which will stop my parents getting SERIOUSLY worried. Out of all the different soups in the cupboard, the most calories I would be forced to have, is 250. That is about 2 glasses of fruit juice, so I think i'll be ok. Metabolism boosted if anything. BUT that is only if worst comes to worst. They may not be so worried if they think I had Dominoes last night too. Tonight is a Sunday though - that's the real issue, my brother returns to Uni, so family meals are almost a must. But I can easily dodge it, or say i'm not hungry, or say I'll try some soup. I'll see how important the family meal is tonight, and see if I have to resort to that or not...

My new dress I mentioned yesterday, is quite nice! It has a zip down the front though, which whenever I have seen dresses like that i've always stated how it's a stupid idea, and anyone could obviously unzip it. But apart from that, it's a good looking dress, and I hate letting my mum down and being all, 'I don't really like it' because I do. I'm just consicious of the zip being undone - especially at a party when everyone is drunk xD hah. It is the sort of dress I could wear to college though.

It's a size 10. I'm pretty sure i'm a definate size 8 now, I mean, i've fitted into size 6 before. So it may be a bit baggy, but mum said the lady at the shop was talking about how the dresses are smaller then the the usual sizes which are labelled the same (for example their size 10 could be a normal size 8)... and mum said, 'we looked at a size 12, but it seemed a little big, and there was no size 8' ...

I was so shocked. They actually contemplated a size 12. A SIZE 12! What. The. Fuck. I must be such a whale in that case. There mum is, worrying about me not eating, and 'wasting away', and she is rude enough to looke at a fucking size 12. I'm sorry but that is offensive. Even with the sizes be slightly odd. I'm never a size 12, never have been, never EVER will be. Even if the sizes were crazy and a size 12 fitted perfectly, I wouldn't wear it. Who could walk around knowing they were in a size 12. I know I couldn't :( and no offense to anyone who does >_<. I've just realised how horrible i'm sounding, and I don't mean to offend anyone at all. It's just that for me, i've never liked the idea of more then a size 10, and i've never let myself get bigger (thank you Ana!).... and well, just got a bit touchy with that subject... sorry, there are beautiful size 12, and even bigger sized women out there, I just wouldn't be one of them!

Which means i'm determined to lose more, and fit into a size 8 of 'NEW Fashion' 's clothing! And i bloody well hope that size 10 is too big. Or atleast not crazily fitting, so I can turn round and say 'I can't believe you thought of a size 12, when this size is so big.'

I'll show her.

Well rant over for now...

It's day 6 of fast, and I know the next few days are going to be the toughest - not hunger wise, as I hardly get hunger pains, my stomach adjusted to not eating during the 7 day fast, and although near the end of that, it was painful to move etc. I'm actually fine at the moment! And if i hadn't restarted the fast because i'd had hot chocolate, i'd be on day 7! It's great, though I do feel a little ill, and light headed every time I get up, I worry I will faint as well, but I haven't as of yet...maybe I will by day 10, but I will try not to, I've never fainted before, and I don't want to do it during a fast - my parents are suspicious enough, add fainting into the equation and i'll be carted off to the doctors....

I will stay strong! Although, i'm getting bored of the whole fasting thing, drinking the same old liquids etc. I actually want to eat - kick start my metabolism, and have somethine decent in my mouth to chew, that isn't gum.

But i'm sticking to it. If anything, i'll finish on day 7. But I would like to complete 10days, however those extra 3 days were punishment for bingeing - it was originally going to be 7 days anyway.

Need some feedback, might post on PT asking as well, just to see who thinks it's a good/bad idea to end the fast on 7 days, after all, it will prevent my parents getting more suspicious.

OR another idea, start introducing soup for the next five days. So 5 days fast, 5 days liquid fast including soups... that would be a good idea, and keep the parents off me... ALTHOUGH I have done a soup fast before, and my god they noticed! They did not like that I wasn't having solids...but it's better then nothing right?

I'll think about it, and get back to you on my decision, feels like i'm wimping out though, so i'll probably carry on, i'm on day 6, so not long to go anyway. It's just to my parents, it will of seemed like two weeks, as it is during the week it happens, so they will get worried and think, OMG she hasn't eaten for TWO WEEKS! When it's actually 4 days short of two weeks lol.

I hate how caring parents are.

On a higher note, last night at around 12.45am, I weighed in at 7st8lbs. On the old style scales (not digital) wearing a thin jumper and t shirt, and pajama bottoms, thats atleast a 1lb of clothing right? Which means 7st7lbs, which is 105lbs :O. That's like, my lowest weight! Or maybe even, lower then my lowest weight!

YES :D !!!

I'm so proud, I will weigh again tomorrow morning, and get a good, proper weigh in on the digital, and old scales, then I will tell you my weight for sure :) as I could have been dreaming, or it could have been loss of water weight thanks to alcohol dehydrating me...

Ha that alcohol can't have been good for the UTI.

Bleugh. I've drank a lot of cranberry juice already xD

I really hope it works!!

Anyway this was supposed to be a quick post...I failed at that xD, always do, I write too much!

Stay strong!

xox

I'm so tired...

Yet I can't sleep,
Tonight was good, met at the field, drank some drink, then got chilly and went back to a friends house (her family was all out) and we stayed there till 11ish. We simply chilled, talked and had a good time.
But it was wierd, I was a bit tipsy - the alcohol didn't take long to hit my system after 5 days of fasting, but I stopped,
I didn't want to get drunk, why? Because Ana screamed:CALORIES, THINK OF THE FUCKING CALORIES!!! at me.
It was crazy, she has never well and truly shown herself till tonight.
Now i'm home, alcohol worn off, my friend Lola is asleep next to me, and I need to clean my teeth in a minute. I am also fighting off urges to scoff my face - I have to be careful not to binge after having alcohol :/ but I will be ok, and am doing great :)

I texted a guy i'm seeing, while I was tipsy, I miss him...Emma doesn't approve of him though, yet she barely knows him...he was a bit out of order the other day, being jealous and overprotective, but i'm giving him a second chance, i'm sure he has learnt his mistake... but Emma is a bit controlling, and protective herself, and really, really disapproves of him now :/...but I like him, and she said she would support me whatever...

She is having her operation in the morning, she couldn't wait two weeks, the pain was too much. I'm probably as scared as she is, she might not survive.
But I can't think about that, as I may cry...
Infact i'm crazy tired, and emotional, so I'm going to go...will post tomorrow,
Stay strong
xox

Dad's a moody old arse.

Hahahah, so I thought i'd start with that...My window is open, he is in the garden and shouted... Dad:'can you come and do me a favour?'

Me:'what??'

Dad:'can you come and wipe this car grease off my face? I can't see where it is'

Me:'Why can't you come inside and look in a mirror?'

Dad:'Because i'm waiting for a phonecall from your mother'

Me:'Why do you need to be outside for that?'

Dad:'Oh forget it. Not like I ever do anything for you...'

I didn't answer, just wrote a blog instead on the moody old arse that he is xD.

*long pause as I have to go downstairs anyway to talk to mum on the phone*

She's bought me a new dress! Apparently gran and her thought it would look gorgeous on me, and they HAD to buy it. Well i'm not complaining, except that i'm fasting and it may be too big xD hahahaha. It's a surprise, she won't tell me what it looks like though, so i'll update that tomorrow when she gets back (she is staying at my grandparents - who are her parents - for the night)... Gawd, I had to wipe that stupid grease off his face seeing as I was downstairs anyway. Lazy fat arse.

Anyway, today was great; went into town, saw Emma. Went to Costas, and we had mango&passionfruit frescato's (?). I allow these on fasts as they are basically fruit juice whizzed with ice, so nothing too bad. Besides, having something infront of Emma makes her feel better about me, even though it's not food... It was my choice to go to Costa, as we always used to, and hadn't been in a while, and with everything going on, some normality was needed.

We chatted and had a laugh, and few sad moments, but all in all a very good time. After a few hours, she popped to Iceland and bought some alcohol, while I went to Sainsbury's for that oh-so important Cranberry juice! Hopefully it will work and I can say Aufwiedersehen to the UTI!

Anyways, i'm home now, and have guzzled a fair bit of it... lol (approx. 200)...although i'm not fussed on the calories in liquids, and especially not something that could clear an infection!

If the UTI is what I have...

In 25mins, another friend, who we shall call Lola, is coming over - she is another one of my best, best, best friends :). And we are together walking to another friends house, and us three are walking to a meeting place, meeting with 4 or 5 others, maybe more if they bring people, and having a good ol' catch up/drinking session :P

Which I am looking forward to...except for the calorie intake...but normally when drinking I wake up lighter, most likely from all the running/dancing I do when drunk, as it basically burns off everything I consume :) hahha. Then will be home for 11:30pm. Must act SOBER when I get back, so parents don't know (they think Lola and I are going to the other friends house for a girly catch up there - with lots of food involved...), as they don't like me drinking much (although they are slowly getting used to it as they become more aware of how often I actually drink, and how I really don't care what they think)...

Anyways, I must be off, need to try and look decent for tonight, but must wrap up warm, I get cold in breezes, so a night in a field will have me chilled to the bone if i'm not careful!

One more thing though, my favourite thinspiration, I don't know who this girl is, but I wish I was her, she is SO skinny, and gorgeous! What do you think?

Stay strong :)

xox